Page 100 of Flame
“Jess.”
“Well, that was your first mistake.”
He laughs again. “Why is that?”
I look over my shoulder at Foxx. His white T-shirt sticks to his body, thanks to my handiwork with a water bottle. His legs are long and lean in a pair of green board shorts. I wish his sunglasses were off, though. I’d love to see those blue eyes.
“Jess’s chicken ruined our wedding cake,” I remind him. “Yet you trusted him to pick our honeymoon adventure?”
“Look around. This is pretty fucking cool.”
“Yeah, well, it would’ve beenprettyandcoolto be fucking you right now instead of worrying that the only thing that’s going to eat me today is an alligator.”
I roll my eyes at his amusement and shove my paddle into the water.
Despite my objections, this is pretty fucking cool.
The crystal clear water is the prettiest shade of turquoise. It reminds me of my favorite beach in Belize. Trees loom large overhead, blocking out the hot Florida sun. Spanish moss drips from the branches and even dangles in the water at some points. It really feels like you’re in a whole new world, cocooned away from reality.
Being away from reality with Foxx is my new favorite place to be.
We drift along with the current, listening to the trickling water and occasional animal sounds. I close my eyes and breathe in the fresh outdoor air. The parking lot was virtually empty. Apparently, the park gets slow during the week. We’re the only kayakers in sight.
“So what do you think?” Foxx asks, sliding his paddle into the water. “Be honest.”
“I’m always honest.”
Grasses sway lazily below us, bending gracefully to the water’s will.
“As long as I forget about modern-day dinosaurs lurking in the bushes …” I look at him over my shoulder again. “I actually really like this.” I face forward again. “I never imagined myself in a kayak floating down a river. It’s kind of funny, really.”
“Why is it funny?”
I laugh. “I don’t know. Last week, I was in a designer suit and heels, threatening to lodge them up someone’s ass if a deal didn’t come through on time. Today, I’m married, in a bikini, acting like the queen of the jungle.”
“Which do you like better?”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Do you miss the designer suits and boardrooms?”
My paddle trails in the water, creating a rippling effect on the surface.
I haven’t thought about my job in two days. And as the interim president of Brewer Group, that’s not a good thing. It’s disappointing and irresponsible. This is not who I’m supposed to be, and I’m sure when my brothers told me to stay put for a while and that Gannon would take over until I returned, they didn’t expect me not to check in.
But I haven’t.
And I don’t care.
“Foxx, I think I’m a fraud.”
My words hang between us, refusing to dissipate in the thick, humid air. The feeling of them in the world, free from the cage of my mind and available for judgment, is terrifying. But also, it’s a relief.
I don’t know what I’ll say if Foxx agrees. I’m also unsure how I’ll respond if he thinks I’m being overly dramatic or blows me off. Because I’m not being dramatic. I’m serious. And the fear of being blown off and not taken seriously has stopped me from admitting this truth to myself—or anyone.
“Why do you feel that way?” he asks, bringing his paddle out of the water.
“I …” I’m unsure how to put it into words. “I haven’t felt like someone I know for a long time. I’ve made peace with it, telling myself that it’s a consequence of being a working woman. That something must give to be the person I want to be.” I take a deep breath. “But what if I don’t want to be her anymore?”
