Page 125 of Fluke
“Good boy,” Mom says.
“Later,” I say.
“See ya.”
The door shuts—quieter this time.
The house is still for once, an unusual occurrence for this place. Someone is always coming and going. It’s my normal. I grew up with this. I’m used to it. But now I wonder … will it be too much for Pippa?
Mom sits down beside me. “How’s Pippa? Did you check on her?”
“Pippa was fine,” I say. “I think she’s just a little overwhelmed.”
“I probably had a hand in that. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”
I grin at her. “You’re fine. She’s not used to …” I search for the right word, but only one comes up. “She’s not used to a family, I guess.”
Mom sits back and looks at me curiously.
“She feels like no one has ever loved her before,” I say.
“I hate to hear that she feels that way. That must be awful.”
“I know. I want to find her parents and rip them a new asshole every time I think about it.”
“How can we make this transition easier for her? What can I do to help?”
“We’re probably going to have to ask her that. I just try to make sure she knows I’m always thinking about her. She’s felt very … invisible, I think? Maybe inconsequential? I don’t know the right word. She agreed to move in with me this weekend, but I see her hesitations. I get it. But I want her to know that … this is it. I think of her more than I think of myself. Maybe if she realizes that, she’ll relax a little.”
Mom nods. “She needs reminded she’s loved.”
I nod too. Clasping my hands together on the table, I take a deep breath. “Just for the record, she doesn’t want to have kids.”
Her brows shoot to the ceiling, and she visibly processes my statement.
“There are a lot of reasons,” I say. “I think the biggest one is that she doesn’t understand that love is infinite. Do you know what I mean? She thinks I could not love her one day, or that her kids may not love her. She’s never seen how it works.”
“Do you think she’ll change her mind?”
I shrug.
“Are you okay if she doesn’t?” Mom shifts in her seat. “If Pippa never wants kids, can you imagine yourself at my age without them? It’s a real question, Jess.”
I’ve thought about it a lot. I’ve played it out repeatedly in my head.
I wouldn’t want to have kids with anyone but Pippa. But if she doesn’t want them … I don’t want to be with anyone else either.
“Mom, it comes down to this. I love Pippa Plum because of who she is as a person. And this decision is a part of her. Would I like kids? Yeah. Is it themake it or break itquestion for me? No. Do I feel sad when I think about being your age without kids? A little bit. But when I think about standing in my kitchen and not having her walk in the door—I can’t live with that.”
I nod, my view getting hazy.
Mom stands and comes around the table, pulling me into a hug. “I love you, Jess. You are a good man.”
“Thanks.”
She lets me go. “I’m here for the both of you. You know that.”
“I know.”
