Page 86 of Sacrifice
“You ended up with him anyway, so in a sense, it wouldn’t make any damn difference.” He smiles softly. “But those years we spent together, Jules, they’re the only good part of my entire fucking life.”
The honesty in his face, the way he looks at me, leaves me breathless. All the sides I’ve seen of him over my life, this is not one I’ve seen often. Maybe ever, really.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything.” He fumbles with the drawstring to his pants, winding it around his finger. “There are days lately that I wake up and can’t believe I’m in this position. My whole life seems like it’s been flipped around so many times, given to me on a platter, or ripped out from under me. It’s like I just go through my life and wait for the next fight.”
His eyes are the bluest I’ve ever seen, crystal clear. “It’s taken Ever to get sick for me to realize the truth behind what my ma said to me. I’ve fought for so much dumb shit, Jules. But I’ve never fought for anything that I’ve really wanted. My priorities have been all over the fucking place, but never where they should’ve been.”
“Look at what you’re doing for us now. Nowyou’reselling yourself short.”
“Nah, I’m just being honest.” He laughs.
“Do you remember the letter I told you about? That I found from Gage?”
He nods slowly.
“In that letter, he told me that if there was one person in the world that could help me, thatwouldhelp me, if anything happened to him . . . it wasyou.He told me to trustyou,Crew. That you never failed him when he needed you and that you wouldn’t fail me either.”
“Is that why you’re letting me help you now? Because Gage said it was okay?”
“What do you mean?”
“I know things between us are complicated as fuck. I get that. But I need to know something, Jules.” He twists around, facing me. His features are blank, braced, and I’m terrified for what he’s about to say. “What am I to you?”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“You know what I mean. Am I the brother of your husband, the guy he told you to let take care of you? Or am I something else to you, too?”
“Crew . . .”
“It won’t change anything,” he says assuredly. “Because the way I feel won’t change. The way I felt hasneverchanged. But I gotta know. I gotta know, Jules.”
I look to the floor, my hands shaking on my lap.
“I’m just going to lay this out there,” he says, his voice rough. “You’re a hell of a lot more to me than my brother’s wife. When I look at you, I have to fight the way I’ve always felt about you. I have to remind myself that we aren’t kids and you aren’t mine.That I let you go.”
“What I’m doing now for you,” he continues, his voice strained, “is because we’re family. But it’s also becauseI love you.And Everleigh. And I wouldn’t be having this conversation with you if Gage was here because you were his and I...well, don’t feel right even saying this now. But shit’s about to get fucking real with what I’ve got going on. I need to focus to make it happen and maybe a little reassurance. I don’t know, that things . . .”
He jumps to his feet and starts to head to the front door.
“Crew!” I call out, my voice trembling. He stops mid-step and turns to look at me. “I don’t know how we gothere.The past few years are so convoluted,” I say, trying to find the right words but knowing I’ll come up short. “I’ve pushed you away. I’ve downright been awful to you. Things between us have changed so many times and here we are . . .”
He faces me, his eyes pleading with me to continue.
“I keep thinking, ‘What if,’ but it doesn’t matter. What I’ve learned over the past few years is that today is all you have. And that’s been reinforced these past few weeks. This moment is all that’s promised to any of us and you can’t live in the past . . .”
He takes the distance between us in a couple of steps. He kneels in front of me so we’re face-to-face. “What am I to you?” he asks again, his voice soft.
“You . . .”
“What am I to you?”
“You’re the first boy I ever loved,” I whisper, a nervous laugh in my voice.
“What about now?”
I know what he is to me. I’ve buried it, ignored it, fought it, and pretended it didn’t exist. Maybe it didn’t for a time in my life, but that was then.
