Page 50 of Sacrifice
Hanging my head, I try to not let myself gothere,to the place of what might have been. Back to the time when I got calls from scouts and agents, all wanting a piece of the soon-to-be-famous Crew Gentry.
I thought I’d finally made peace with the way things had turned out for me. I’ve tried to look at it like fate. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be in the NAFL, and wasn’t meant to have a huge contract. Normally I can go on about my day and not think about it, but with all the shit happening right now with Davidson and that fucking bar fight, it’s been harder not to. Just thinking back to when those things were discussed, when they seemed like such a reality, makes me so damn bitter I can barely function.
And I don’t have time for that now.
I know it’s gonna be hard to ignore for the next few months with Hunter’s next fight in Boston. Shit like our ties, the location, and the history makes people want to speculate. I’m not sure what guys like this fucking reporter want me to say.
“Yeah, assholes, I know what happened. I know who he is now and I’m keenly fucking aware of what I could’ve been, too. Yup, still workin’ the dock. Fighting in bars. Go fuck yourself.”
My gaze lands on a box with Ever’s monkey on it. Will’s right. My OCD would normally be going ballistic about the messy state of my house. But for some reason, it isn’t. Actually,I kind of like it.And that has me worried more than anything. I noticed it last night after they went to bed. Something about seeing their things laying around made me feel calm, even though I knew they were there because of something tragic. I couldn’t shake it. I went to bed with a gnawing sensation in my gut.
I growl under my breath as I turn around.
Will is watching me, arms crossed in front of him. “Sometimes I don’t even know if I know you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I was kidding. What’s going on with you, man?”
I look at him blankly. I don’t know where he’s going with this, but he better get there fast. I walk over to the couch and sit down.
“This,” he says, motioning to the room, “none of this bothers you?” He smirks and walks across the room. He steps exaggeratedly over two boxes and plops in his chair.
“Not really.”
“Huh. That’s strange. The Crew I know got pissed at me one time for leaving a fucking shoe in the middle of the room.”
I close my eyes for a minute and consider my next words. Maybe I shouldn’t project them into the room, and maybe I should never say them out loud. But I do.
“I kind of like it, actually.” I open my eyes and look at him. Guilt overcomes me and I know I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
Fucker smirks harder.
“I shouldn’t for so many motherfucking reasons. I know that and I know I’m going to hell.”
“Man, you were going to hell way before you just said that.”
I shake my head, knowing he’s right. But still . . .
“You’re doing the right thing. You don’t think if Gage was here, he’dmakeyou do this?”
“If Gage was fucking here, I wouldn’thaveto do this.”
“Not the fucking point,” he says, leaning towards me. “You don’thaveto do this now.”
I glare at him, but it only encourages him for some reason.
“Gage would expect you to take care of them. Hell, I’m kinda thinking if I didn’t support this decision, your brother might throw a lightning bolt at me. That’s how sure of this I am.”
“Not the fucking point,” I say, giving his words back to him. “I shouldn’tlikethis. They aren’tmyfamily. She’s notmywife. Ever’s notmykid. They’re mybrother’s family.” I put my head in my hands. “Julia was right. This was a bad idea. There’s just too much history between us. All of this makes my brain start thinking about things that could’ve . . . I just . . . damn it!”
Silence surrounds us. The more I talk, the guiltier I feel. Yet, having it off my chest and into the universe seems to lessen the burden in some strange way. But it’s still wrong. Even Will in all his douchebag glory probably sees how wrong this is.
“Gage loved them,” he says, slicing through the silence. “They were the world to him.”
I look up and open my mouth, but he cuts me off.
“Let’s say you have a puppy,” Will starts, the trademark smirk on his face. “And you love this puppy more than anything. It’s the best puppy in the world. It’s been your puppy from the time you were a little boy.”
