Page 46 of Broken Ice
Beau had felt so gutted, so unattractive and unloved, that when the urge came, he got himself off with toys.
Alex had wandered in a while later and smelt it on him.
Saying the Alpha got angry was an understatement.
Beau liked to believe that, in normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have taken it. But in the middle of heat, already feeling rejected and small, Alex’s screams had done him in. Had made him shake uncontrollably until Alex had stormed out of the apartment and left him there to ride the rest of his heat out.
The thing that Beau hated the most about that memory was that he hadn’t even broken it off with Alex afterwards. Beau had fuckingapologisedto that asshole. He’d been twenty and inexperienced, and he’d been so fucking naïve to it all.
The thing that finally killed the relationship was the day he realised he was lying to his siblings about Alex. Cleo had asked how it was going with Alex, and he’d caught himself sayingthings were great even though they’d had a fight the previous night.
It was as if he were suddenly kicked out of his body, watching the events unfold before his eyes—how many fights he and Alex had been embroiled in lately. How Beau had felt exhausted at thethoughtof having to deal with his boyfriend.
Cleo was too young, in his mind, for him to lay it all on her, but he’d cut himself off and said, “You know what? Not that great,” and it had felt so fucking good to say it out loud that he’d known what he had to do.
Breaking up with Alex had been a complete shit show—Alex, unsurprisingly, had not taken it well—but Beau had felt unchained by the end of it.
Like he could finallybreatheagain.
Beau wasn’tchangedby the experience. Sure, he hadn’t had a boyfriend since Alex. And, okay, maybe when Johnson had told him to go on suppressants, part of him had thought it was a good thing—that it would stop him from caving in and finding some other Alpha.
Maybe it was also why this thing with Emilio was fucking him up so much. Emilio was…perfect. And Beau knew that was stupid—nobody wasperfect—but Emilio made him feel desired in a way he’d never experienced. He had a loving family, he was close to his siblings, his teammates—but the way Emilio took care of him…it soothed a part of Beau he hadn’t even noticed was aching.
He couldn’t evenimagineEmilio calling him ‘needy.’ Beau was safe with him. He kept thinking about how Emilio had cut up that fruit meticulously every single day. How he had fed it, piece by piece, to Beau.
How cared for Beau had felt.
It stung that Beau wasn’t worthy of keeping an Alpha that great. And he chided himself for the thought—Beau was fucking amazing and deserved the best Alpha in the world.
Heknewthat. He knew that he deserved better.
It just…didn’tfeellike it sometimes.
Especially when he was falling so hard for Emilio, and Emilio was so obviouslynot.
But Beau was keeping it together. He forged on, even with the memories of his last heat crowding his head, making his body flush at the most inappropriate of times.
Having said Alpha peer at Beau and question him about Alex was not a position he wanted to be in.
And he thought he’d escaped, too. Pavel, always one to keep the peace, changed the subject loudly, Beau shooting him a grateful smile. It was only after the guys had scattered—the old and married going home, the younglings at the bar trying to score—that Emilio found him again. They sat at the end of the long table, the rest occupied by strangers.
Beau was regaling Emilio with a story about the time Noah had accidentally ripped one of his toenails off, but apparently the Alpha wasn’t entertained.
“Can I ask you a question?” Emilio asked.
Beau blinked. “Uh, sure?”
“You said your last boyfriend was kind of an asshole.” Emilio looked so fucking serious, gaze steady and piercing.
Beau tensed, shoulders hunching. “It’s not a big deal or anything.”
“Okay. I just want to make sure I’m not…did you ever spend a heat with him?”
Beau huffed. “Personal, much?”
“I mean, I’m just—”
“Yeah, one. Let me tell you, it wasnotlike the ones with you,” Beau joked, or tried to joke—his voice might have come out a little strangled.
