Page 6 of Brother
“Dude,sobad. Everything wasalways…congealed.”
“Ew. That word is disgusting.”
“Bro, Iknow. Fucking gross. Your foodbetter?”
“Yeah, I mean, it wasn’t Dad’s lasagna or anything,but it wasn’t bad. I ate a lot at Toby’s, though, I don’t know ifyou remember—”
“Yeah, your crush,” Simon cut in, placing a can ofbeans inside the cart carefully.
Nathan scoffed. “What? Hell, no.”
Simon looked at him, a weird, fake smile on hisface. “Don’t lie, bro. Every time we talked, you’d go on abouthim.”
“Yeah, ’cause he was the first friend I made, and hereally helped me out. I…” Nathan bit his lip, thinking about whathis mom had said. About how maybe Simon’s experience hadn’t been asgood as he pretended. “I kind of had a rough time in the beginning.I was. You know. Homesick and stuff. And Toby has a boyfriend backhome and they’ve, like, figured out how to handle the distance. Idon’t know. He just made me feel better.”
They’d stopped in the middle of the aisle, Simon’sface losing the forced smile. “I didn’t know you had a hard time,”he said quietly.
This was not the place to have this conversation,under the fluorescent lights with ABBA singing from the supermarketspeakers, but when else was he going to admit how fucking miserablehe’d been those first few months?
“Yeah. I mean…I didn’t want to worry you. And youseemed so…happy, I didn’t—”
“Fuck, Nate, come on,” Simon growled, bitter,expression pained. “You can’t seriously think I washappy.”
Nathan stared at him, a tangle of guilt and fear andshame forming in his throat. He hadn’t knownwhatto think.They’d been so close all their life, it didn’t make sense thatSimon would be so happy without him—but that intrusive, dark voicethat told him Simon was better off without him had grown louderthis past year. Sometimes, the sound of it drowned everything elseout.
“You didn’t tell me that either,” Nathanmurmured.
“You didn’t want to hear it, Nate. You didn’t wantto know. You wanted to live your own life, remember? I didn’twanna…” he shrugged. “I wanted to respect that.”
Nathan gripped Simon’s arm tightly. “That’s not—no.Just because I don’t think we should have the exact same lifedoesn’t mean I don’t want you in it, Simon,” he said harshly.
Simon looked unmoved. For once, Nathan didn’t knowhow to reassure him—not without admitting the truth.
The rest of the shopping trip was much more subdued,but even when they arrived home, Simon didn’t unglue himself fromNathan. They chilled out in the inflatable pool, burning theirshoulders in the sun, long legs tangled together until everythinggot hazy with the heat. Simon let Nathan talk about bird cognitionand exploding beetles and shrimp, all of which Nathan was currentlyobsessed with, until the sun started to go down.
“Let’s go help Dad with dinner,” Simon prompted,shoving Nathan out of the makeshift pool.
“Dick!” Nathan cursed, chasing Simon around theyard, getting grass up to his knobby knees as they pushed eachother around.
Coming out of the shower after all that feltglorious—skin raw and pink from scrubbing, from the long day andthe sun.
“Here,” Simon said, walking in on Nathan pulling hisshorts up, waving a bottle of something in front of Nathan’sface.
“Yo, stop. What is that?”
“Aloe, duh. Turn around.”
Nathan wasmovingbeforequestioning what was going on. By the time he realised, Simon wasalready squirting the cream onto his hand, throwing the bottle ontothe bed and smoothing gentle hands over Nathan’s soreshoulders.
He’d alwaysliked putting aloe on a mild burn—the strange, enticing mixture ofsoothing and pain. The way you had to be soft, slow, just likeSimon was being, careful not to press into the hurt.
“Good?” Simonasked quietly.
Nathan closedhis eyes.“Yeah.” Itfelt like a very long time since he’d let his brother just takecare of him. Just touch him in the simple ways they’d alwaystouched—with propriety and affection.
There wasnothing dark about the wanting this type of caress inspired.This type of love was as easyas Simon’s face, as his hands.
“Thanks,” Nathanmurmured softly when Simon finished with a final, gentle touch. Heturned around, giving his brother a smile. “You need sometoo?”
