Page 3 of Brother
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Even thenight-silence of the house was familiar as Nathan lay inbed.The sounds of thepipes, of the dog three houses down barking every now and again,were different than the constant music and chatter of the dorms.They soothed the part of him that had been aching for so manymonths, he’d stopped noticing it at all.
He was baskingin the familiar almost-darknessso profoundly that he immediately noticed when his bedroomdoor opened, a shuffling sound following as it shutagain.
Hedidn’t have to open hiseyes to know who it was. He’d always known when Simon was near, andthe numbed sense was prickling to life now, buzzing with pins andneedles from being unused for so long.
Nathandidn’t say anything asthe bed dipped, the covers shifting as Simon slipped underneaththem, pressing in so close he was warmth more than anything else.Arms wrapped around Nathan like a vise, covetous in theirpossession. The embrace was a breath at the nape of his neck, aweight against his back.
The silence thatfell washeavier, morefilling than the previous one. It pressed down on Nathan until allother senses blinked out too and he was suspended, alone in thedark with his brother—and therefore not alone at all.
The only feelingthat cut through theblack was Simon’s lips behind his ear. “Was it worth it, then?Going so far away?” The words were bitter, shot through with thatsame anger that had bubbled underneath the surface the last fewmonths before college. Before separating.
Nathanswallowed. There wasnothing to say. The truth was too painful to admit.
Ididn’t knowwhat loneliness was until I left you, Nathan wanted to say—but stopping himself fromblurting out weird shit like that was the point of all this. SoNathan said nothing and sank into sleep like a stone dropped into astill and lifeless ocean.
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The year leadingup to college was the first time Nathan kept a secret from Simon.It took him a long time to tell his brother that they weren’t goingto the same university. He had nightmares about Simon’s reaction,about the betrayal and the hurt, and would wake up both rattled bythe images and disappointed that the inevitable was yet tocome.
Itgot so bad that they ended uptaking a road trip to one of the colleges Simon thought they wereboth applying to, just the two of them and the shitty car they’dsaved up for years to buy.
Nathan couldtell Simon thought this college wasthe one. Simon had signed them up for a tour of the campus, hadeven DM’d a couple of girls that were studying there—some friendsof a friend of a friend that only Simon was wily enough to convinceto hang out with high-schoolers.
“And you can situnder those trees and study or whatever the fuck,” Simon said, armslung over Nathan’s shoulder after the tour.
“Oh, yeah? I’mthe only one studying in this scenario?”
“You got thebrains, I got the looks, baby brother.”
Nathan rolledhis eyes. He wasn’tstarting that argument again. “Youarepretty fucking dumb.”
Simon laughed,squeezing Nathan’s neckinto a headlock as Nathan immediately started punching hisstomach.
They were bothfamiliar with theposition.
“We’re gonnahave so much fun,” Simon declared once Nathan had wiggled his wayout of the hold. “Gonnarip it up.”
Nathan saidnothing,feeling all thejoy he’d been fooling himself with curling up into a sick littleball inside his gut.
“You’ve gottapromise me that when you make all your brainy friends, you’re notgonna leave me behind, though,” Simon said.
Nathan looked athim, surprisedat thestrange, serious expression on his face a moment before it crackedinto a grin. Nathan rolled his eyes at what clearly had to be ajoke. “Nah, I’ll boast about my jock brother. He’s dumb, but what alooker!”
Simon cackled, pullinghim close again.
The day wouldhave been great if it wasn’t all a lie.
By thetimethey had to meetthe girls, Nathan was physically and emotionally exhausted frombeing pulled into Simon’s contagious happiness only to be remindedthat none of it would happen. That he’d have to tell his brothersooner rather than later what he’d unilaterally decided.
It wasdarkas Simon startedsteering them towards the meeting point, the campus alive with thethrill of the weekend. Music spilt from windows, lighting up theair. Simon was talking and talking and talking, setting up theirfuture in gold.You and me against the world.
Nathan stoppedso abruptlythey bothstumbled forwards another step as Simon was yanked into a halt, armstill around Nathan’s shoulders.
“The fuck?”Simon complained, detaching himself and rubbing at hisshoulder.
“Sorry. I’mgoing to head back,” Nathan blurted. There was no way he could keepdoing this. He was going to fucking explode with everything he waskeeping down—not only that he was lying to Simon’s face about thiscampus and all the plans Simon had for them, but about theinsidious urges Nathan couldn’tfuckingseem to get rid of. No matter how desperately hetried.
