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“That night. With that girl, when we visitedLagoon.”
Nathan blinked his eyes open. He could feel Simon’svoice on his skin like a ghost passing through him.
“I just. I wanted you…all the time. Icouldn’t stop thinking about it. And worrying about what wouldhappen when we got to college. How you wouldn’t bemineanymore and I would think, ‘What the fuck is wrong withme?’”
Nathan made a protesting sound in the back of histhroat, tightening his arms around Simon.
“I thought if you knew, nothing would be the same—inthe worst way possible. You’d be disgusted and pull away slowlyuntil we were just strangers as adults, and I couldn’t—” Simonswallowed audibly. “I couldn’t let you know. But I couldn’t stopfeeling that way, either.”
Nathan kissed the top of Simon’s head, knowingexactly what he meant—after all, Nathan had carried the twin ofthat same sentiment inside him for years.
“I just wanted to cross a line. Wanted to touch you,but couldn’t, so I did the next best thing, or what seemed…Itouched that girl thinking of you. And looking at you. And hearingyou breathe and just knowing you werepart of it. I wasn’ttouching you, but at least you werethere.”
Nathan took a deep breath. “That’s…”
“It’s fucked up. I know—for you, and for thatgirl—”
“For you, too. I…” Nathan laughed humorlessly. “Ikind of assumed the opposite of what you meant. As in, I thoughtthat I was such a, like, non-sexual being that having sex in frontof me didn’t even phase you. That you trusted me so much, you wouldassume I wouldn’t…”
Simon lifted his head, looking at Nathan withburning eyes before pressing their foreheads together. “I’msorry.”
“Yeah,” Nathan breathed. “Me too. But. Fuck, we madeit, right? We, we—”
“Yeah,” Simon echoed. “We made it.”
CHAPTERFOUR
Nobody blinked an eyeat Simon and Nathan sleeping in the same bed. Their mom just smiledat Nathan as he came downstairs with a bleary-eyed Simon drapedover him.
“Oh, thank God,”Kate exclaimed dramatically from the table, mouth half full ofcereal. “They’ve made up. I literally can’t take another day ofSimon moping.”
“I don’t mope,”Simon grumbled, leaning over and dipping the tips of his fingersinto Kate’s Froot-Loopy milk.
Kate smacked hishand away.“Ew, youfreak! Mom!”
“Simon,” theirmom said warningly.
“Sorry,Mom.”
Kategasped.“Sorry,Mom?Mom?Sorry,me.”
“Sorry, me.”Simon giggled, hiding behind Nathan as Kate made a swipe for him.“Aah! Nate, protect me.”
Nathan lethimself be jostled around.“Really?”
Theysettleddown eventually,sitting at the table to eat a normal breakfast as if it were anormal day. Then again, what had Nathan expected? For his mom tolook at them and justknow?
He watched Simonquietly. They had to be careful. Nothing was more important thannot getting caught,but…Simon wanted this too.
Maybe Nathan couldallow himself to have this.
**********
Nathanhadn’t realised howheavy the burden he’d been carrying for so long had gotten. Everyday, it seemed, a new thought got added to it—a new smear of dirtthat layered until he couldn’t see anything pastit.
He’d felt soguilty for so long. Sowrong.
But now. Now hegot to look at hisbrother the same way he’d done as a kid—with anuncomplicated kind of love that shone through him.
