Page 82 of Fruit
That’s how badly he wants to end things, and I’d had no clue anything was wrong in the first place?
There’s a row of question marks in my head, but I don’t have the voice to answer any of them.
A sudden fear strikes me. “Can I—the youth club. Can I still—”
“Yes. Iva, yes, of course. I’m not—I’m just talking about…I just think we should slow down. Take a step back.”
I sit there for a moment, still reeling. It’s like I can’t catch the breath of my thoughts. This doesn’t make any sense.
“Okay,” I say, because there is not much else I can do. If he wants this to be over, then it’s over.
I get up, feeling numb. Part of me wants to force him to explain what’s happening. To give me a list of coherent reasons. To draw me a timeline of all the things I must have missed leading to this moment.
I put my coat on as Sebastián cajoles Nina into her carrier. He strokes her gently before shutting the wire door. I grab her stuff, packed neatly into bags, before accepting the carrier from him.
“I’ll bring her to the youth centre. If you want. So you can see her,” I offer hollowly.
“Okay,” he says, and looks a little relieved, the first expression I’ve seen on his face since I arrived.
I nod and head out of the apartment. The door clicks behind me.
I get to the ground floor and start crying. It just comes over me, a sudden disoriented panic making me feel pathetic. I have to take a few long moments to force myself to stop.
I’ll think about this later. I’ll cry about it later. Now, I need to get my shit together and walk.
I get home in a daze. I set Nina’s stuff down and open the carrier door. She races out. It’s just another normal Saturday to her. She doesn’t know she’ll never go back to Sebastián’s again.
“Stop crying,” I tell myself furiously as tears well up in my eyes again.
There’s this stupid anger at myself for crying over a boy. For being such a fucking idiot for not having seen this coming. My mind weeds through our past interactions, trying to find any clues, but the tight, sharp coil in my chest is too distracting.
I sit heavily on the couch, burying my face in Nina as she jumps into my lap.
“How could I have been so fucking stupid?” I ask her. I can’t get enough air in my chest, sobs and thoughts clogging me up.
I’d been imagining a future together with Sebastián. Picturing what our apartment would look like, what our routine would be, how I’d be able to help the youth centre once I became an art therapist. I’d imagined…
It doesn’t matter now. He’ll find someone who’s all put together and who doesn’t tease him incessantly and who’s better in bed—
I slap myself on the forehead. “Stop,” I tell myself. I’m not fucking doing this over a guy. Even Sebastián.
“Whatever he saw in me that made him think it wasn’t working, I’m gonna fucking prove him wrong,” I say to Nina. She meows her agreement.
I’m going to live my life, even if it’s without him.
For now, though, I curl up on the couch and let myself feel the end of something that hadn’t really started.
