Page 5 of I've Walked Where You've Been
Having Ethan as a bondmate didn’t stop him from living. He had friends and, now that he was doing his homework consistently, wasn’t doing too badly at school, although he still hid his grades from Ethan.
Just before turning fifteen, he even got a girlfriend. Her name was Barb, and she was cute and sweet and completely badass. She wasn’t really a soccer fan—barely anybody in his school was, really, but she was an awesome goalie when they played together and could kick Matty’s ass at Super Smash Brothers.
This, Matty thought when he was with her,is what being with your bondmate should be like.
Matty felt he’d accepted having someone in his head reasonably well. Sure, everybody knew it was going to happen someday—that a person was going to come along and suddenly your emotions would be theirs, and theirs yours. But it actually happening had been weird as fuck. He’d be doing something innocuous like walking down the street or talking to his mom or sitting on the toilet, and the bond would flood with an emotion—happiness, sadness, excitement, dread. There was a buzz in his head all the time now, and it’d become white noise.
Even the fact thatMatty’semotions were no longer private had been accepted—that it was hard lying to Ethan, that Matty was vulnerable to the last person on earth he wanted to open himself up to, knowing there would only be ridicule in return. He’d taken it and dealt with the reality—there was no way to escape Ethan, not his body or his soul.
But Barb—he refused to share her with Ethan. Not completely.
He read up on it, knowing there had to be a way to lock Ethan out. Severing the bond wasn’t a possibility, but he’d settle for quieting it, for keeping some secrets to himself.
In the end, it wasn’t that hard to do. Maybe it was because the bond was so neglected anyway, but shutting the flow between him and Ethan only took him about a day of practice. He just had to close his eyes and imagine squeezing down on that open fissure that let Ethan in. Imagine it getting smaller and smaller until it was just a smooth wall between him and his bondmate.
Admittedly, he couldn’t do it for very long—a couple of hours a day, tops, and even that was stretching it. The first hour was okay, but by the end of the second, it became excruciating, a sense of wrongness filling him up, clogging his lungs, making it hard to breathe.
But it was enough. He could close himself up and lean towards Barb and kiss her soft lips, let his hand stroke through her hair, let her sit in his lap and wiggle around until he was flushed with embarrassment and want.
He kept all these jewels to himself, clutching them close to his heart—proof that Matty could live a life that was his, even if part of him would always be tied to Ethan.
Ethan asked about it only once, a couple of months after he first started doing it.
Matty looked at him, wondering if he was as relieved as Matty to have that space to himself for a little while. They were both fifteen now—it wasn’t the same, sharing everything with each other anymore. He could feel when Ethan jerked off, the surge of want and pleasure, and knew it was the same for Ethan. Matty, at least, had become good at just ignoring it. Blocking the bond altogether was even better.
“Uh, yeah,” Matty said. “I have a girlfriend, so. You know. Bit of privacy.”
A flow of discomfort filled the bond before it was shut off. Ethan didn’t say anything for a moment, looking at Matty as if searching for words. When he finally spoke, it was just a simple, “Okay.”
When Matty left Ethan’s house that night, it was the first time he felt like he’d left something unfinished, a pull to go back and make something right. The bond was quiet and muffled with sadness, filled with wet cotton balls, weighing it down.
Matty almost reached out to soothe it—but whatever Ethan was sad about, it was none of his business.
Matty got in the car, his dad waiting at the wheel. “You okay?” his dad asked, frowning at him in concern.
“Yeah.” He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the window, shutting the conversation down.
He blanked his mind and ignored the urge to go somewhere unfamiliar—back to Ethan, where he wouldn’t be wanted anyway.
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CHAPTER TWO
“No.”
“Matty. Honey—” His mom held her hands up, taking a step closer to him.
Matty couldn’t bear the thought of being touched right now. “Don’t.”
“Honey. Just listen.”
“No. This is bull…this, this isn’t fair!”
“Honey—”
“No, don’t even—all my friends are here. What the hell am I supposed to do in some boarding school withhim?”
“I know this is a big change, but honey, this is one of the most prestigious schools…this is something we could never give you. I know, okay—do you think I want you to leave for months at a time without seeing you? But this is an opportunity that might change your life.”
