Page 4 of I've Walked Where You've Been
But he did as he was asked and watched the months pass with his bondmate, whom he could barely stand, and just dealt with it. They would squabble every time they saw each other, Matty convinced that Ethan was a nerd that refused to open his mind to anything that wasn’t academic, Ethan resistant to being forced into anything physical and openly resentful about the fact that Matty tried to make him.
Despite all this, despite how Matty had to waste time travelling to and from Ethan’s house, despite the fact that he always had to be at Ethan’s place, do what Ethan wanted because it was too exasperating to play with someone who didn’t want to play, the worst thing about being Ethan’s bondmate was how obvious it became that Matty was stupid.
Not stupid like an insult stupid, but stupid likeactuallystupid. Ethan was studious, and could sit still, and concentrate, and would get perfect report cards every semester. The longer Matty knew him—one year, and then two, and then three—the more obvious it became.
Throughout it all, Matty held out some hope. Some little fragment of belief that, eventually, somehow, he and Ethan would become friends and everything would be okay.
He hadn’t even realised he’d held that hope until it was extinguished one evening as he sat, eating with Ethan and his family around the dinner table. It was the end of the school year, and Matty was buzzing happily with the prospect of months without school. He didn’t even feel too awkward when Ethan’s mom asked him about his grades.
“Not bad. Like, C’s mostly.”
Ethan’s mom had nodded and smiled, but Ethan had snorted. Matty had looked at him, but it was unnecessary. He couldfeelEthan’s contempt.
It was at that moment Matty knew for certain that there was no chance in heaven or hell that Ethan was ever going to be a friend, let alone his soulmate.
Something had gone wrong with their bond, because this simply could not be the person he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with.
**********
“Matthew, go downstairs and get into the car right this minute.”
Matty lay on the bed, arms crossed, staring at the ceiling as his mom loomed over him. “No.”
“If you don’t go, I will drag you there. Don’t think I won’t.”
“Do it, then,” he dared. He was twelve, too lanky to drag anywhere, now, and he’d had enough. Enough of Ethan, and his judgment, and his presence in his head, and his presenceoutsidehis head. He wasn’t going to see him, and that was final.
His mom stood over him for a few seconds. Matty knew she wouldn’t get physical—she never had before. After a moment of burning silence, she sighed explosively and left the room.
Matty lay there until he heard his mom talking on the phone, sneaking out to hear that she was cancelling the stupid playdate with Ethan, but that Ethan would come over the next day when someone could drive him.
By the time Ethan arrived the next afternoon, Matty was locked in the bathroom and his mom was shouting at him through the door.
The next time they tried getting them together, Matty stayed out till dark, and got screamed at by both his parents and grounded for the next millennia.
Matty didn’t care. He was going to sever this stupid bond himself.
It took exactly two weeks for him to realise exactly how awful bond-sickness was.
Later, he would barely be able to explain how it felt. It was something in hissoul—some rotting thing, some toxic spill that was seeping through the thin membranes of his body. The effects were physical—exhaustion, nausea, muscle pain—but the worst of it was something else. Something deeper.
He was begging to be taken to Ethan, in the end. Felt a sickness that was all guilt when he saw that Ethan was in the same state, even paler than usual, limp on the bed as Matty was placed beside him, and then clinging desperately, gulping in air like he had been without it for days.
Matty closed his eyes and clung back, feeling something dark and painful being swept away, flowers blooming in their place.
“I’m sorry,” he choked out.
Ethan didn’t say anything. They just lay there for a long time in silence.
**********
Matty’s guilt took a long time to lessen after that, and he never complained about going over to Ethan’s again. He apologised to Ethan, and his parents, and Matty’s parents, and they all seemed to forgive him, but Matty couldn’t quite let it go.
There had been something deeply, viscerally wrong with seeing Ethan there, hurt because of him. Matty didn’t want to do that to anybody, especially not his bondmate, even if that person was Ethan.
In the end, he just had to accept that this was his life. That, whether Matty liked it or not, Ethan was his bondmate, and it just wasn’t going to change.
So he adjusted. Two evenings a week with Ethan when Matty would just do his homework and then play games on his phone or text his friends. He and Ethan would barely talk, but at least they wouldn’t argue. The bond between them became thin and unobtrusive with neglect. Every once in a while, he’d feel a spike of anger, or sadness, or happiness, or want, but they were all muffled and distant. Even their parents gave up on trying to push them together. Matty knew it saddened his mom, but there was nothing he could do about it.
