Page 10 of I've Walked Where You've Been
Okay, so maybe Matty wasn’t that subtle.
Ethan turned around, glaring at him. “Why are you following me? What do you want?”
For a moment, Matty almost reacted to the shitty tone in his own shitty way, but he managed to curb it in the nick of time.
There was no point in any of this if they both kept doing the same things over and over again.
Matty shrugged. “I just, you know. Wanted to make sure you were all right.”
Ethan seemed surprised by the response for a second before his expression turned suspicious. “Right. Sure. ’Cause that’s a concern of yours. Make sure that I’m okay while actively hating me and making my life miserable. Sounds legit.”
Matty clenched his fists. “I don’t hate you,” he said quietly, trying to keep that old anger at bay, but at Ethan’s scoff, the dam broke. “Don’t fucking—it’s not likeyou’renice tome. Don’t fucking stand there and pretend you haven’t tried to make me feel like shit. That you haven’t always tried to make me feel inferior.”
“When the hell have I done that?”
“Are you kidding? Laughing at my grades? Saying all that shit about…you’ve always tried to make me feel stupid.”
Ethan went bright red. “That…laughing at your grades was a long time ago.”
“So? Are you serious? What, you think having my bondmate think I’m stupid just didn’t fucking affect me? Or being dragged along to this school I’m too dumb for? You think I don’t know that everybody thinks that I don’t deserve to be here? Thatyouthink I don’t deserve to be here?”
“I don’t…that’s not true.”
“Don’t lie! It’s going to be like this all our lives. I’ll always get in on bondmate provision. I’ll go to the universityyouchoose, and when you get a job, I’ll have to follow you to wherever that is, and if you choose to move, I’ll have to move again, and youloveit. You love that you’re in control. You don’t give a shit.”
Matty was panting by the time he finished, face flushed and clammy. This had been a long time coming, all the fears and all the anger he’d buried deep inside.
Ethan stared at him for a moment, the silence stretching until he broke it. “The same way you’ve always made sure that I felt like a loser? From the very first day of the bond, I could feel your disdain. Every interest I tried to show you, you wouldn’t even listen. Would call me boring, would scoff when I said I spent time in the library instead of with friends. You’ve always thrown it in my face that I can’t make friends like you can, that I’m not likable. I’d…I’d rather feel stupid than this alone.”
The last few words were uttered quietly, a rasping noise, but they pierced through Matty as if they’d been shouted.
They stared at each other, the distance between them a chasm they’d never tried to breach. It felt exhilarating, and terrifying, and awful, and relieving, to finally let out all those things they’d both kept inside since they were nine years old.
The reality of the situation was, they’dneverspoken to each other truthfully. They’d never attempted to listen to each other. Matty wasn’t sure they could even blame themselves for it. They’d beennineand left to their own devices. Everybody had assumed that it’d all work out, what with them being bondmates. But it hadn’t.
For the first time, Matty realised that he and Ethan would have to be the ones to put in the work. That Matty maybewantedto put in the work.
“Look,” Matty started. “I don’t know why we’re bondmates when we drive each other so crazy.” At Ethan’s muffled wince, Matty went on quickly. “I don’t mean it like…I meant that there has to be a reason the universe put us together, right? And maybe we don’t know why, but it did, and even if it’s too late for us to be best friends or whatever, we can at least stop being shitty to each other.”
Ethan looked away, shrugging.
Matty took a deep breath, trying to find some patience. “And I don’t think you’re a loser. Like, fuck, I don’t want you to feel…alone. That’s fucked up. You’re. You’re not alone, okay? You’re not alone.”
Ethan looked at him quietly for a long, long moment. “Yeah. Okay,” he said finally, his voice a little more than a whisper.
“Okay.”
Matty didn’t know what Ethan had been doing out here in the first place and didn’t ask. They walked back together, not saying anything more.
Despite everything Matty had said, the silence didn’t feel hopeful.
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CHAPTER THREE
Things between Matty and Ethan might not have suddenly turned to rainbows and flowers like their parents wanted, but the truce seemed to have the desired effect. They weren’t friends, or evenfriendly, exactly, but they were cordial. As weird as the stiffness was, it was nice to room with someone Matty wasn’t dreading to spend time around. Matty started paying attention to all the little things that seemed to bother Ethan—like leaving the main light on late at night, or opening the window closest to Ethan’s bed, and started trying to be a little more considerate. It made him realise how much he’d justignoredEthan, to an almost pathological level.
He started being a little nicer, too. Bringing him a cup of coffee when Matty grabbed some tea or grabbing him a pastry when Matty passed through the cafeteria and he knew Ethan would be studying in their room.
