Page 25 of Paint Eater
Jay looked up, stilling his hands, and thought carefully about the question. He doubted Logan was talking about snakes and spiders. “Yeah.”
“Of what?”
Jay shrugged. “Of, like. I don’t know. Less now, I guess, but sometimes I have this thought, or like thisfeeling, that I’m going to be alone all my life, and it’s so big and scary that I…it’s like being dropped in the middle of a dark ocean, you know? And I know I’m going to drown there, and there’s nothing I can do.”
Logan stared at him, obviously surprised by Jay’s candour even though he should be more than used to it by now. “But what about your mom?”
Jay tilted his head, not quite understanding for a moment until it dawned on him. “I mean, I love her, for sure. But. It’s not the same. She loves me because I’m her son. I want someone to love…or just like me because ofme, you know.”
“Well,Ifucking like you for you,” Logan said.
Jay laughed, trying not to choke on the sound, on how Logan’s words had hurt and healed and hurt again. “I mean,nowyou do, but not in high school.” It just tumbled out of him, and he went on quickly, trying to undo the damage. “I mean, it doesn’t matter or anything. It’s totally cool, I get it. But. You know.” Jay winced. The silence that followed was damning, but, to his surprise, Logan twisted their hands until he was gripping Jay’s wrist.
“Ididwant to be your friend.”
Jay shook his head. “You don’t gotta lie, it’s—”
“I’m not.” Logan made a frustrated noise. “I’m—Jay, I suck at wanting things. It’s…that’s whatI’mscared of. My mom, she wants so many things for me that I don’t know how to…fuck.” Logan ran his hand across his face before covering his eyes.
Jay could feel his heart beating in his chest. He was so used to saying practically everything that ran through his mind, and he was so used to Logan keeping everything burrowed deep, that it was taking him a moment to adjust to the sudden privilege of Logan actually opening up.
A memory sprang up in Jay’s mind. Logan’s face in the shadow of his car, the way he’d quickly turned defensive when Jay had asked, ‘Relationships aren’t life?’
“Is that what you meant when you said that stuff about relationships being a distraction? You meant…yourmomthinks that relationships are a distraction.”
Logan looked away. Jay could see how coiled-up he was, as if a moment away from jumping off the bed. “Yeah.”
“Okay.” Jay didn’t want to press further—Logan’s mom was obviously a sore subject, but something settled inside him. Maybe Jay wasn’t enough to make Logan challenge his mom on the whole ‘relationships are distractions’ thing, but Jay was pretty sure Logan was saying that hedidwant Jay.
And that should have been obvious, in retrospect, what with the time they were starting to spend together, but sometimes Jay needed to hear something to believe it.
“I want you too,” Jay said, smiling.
Logan looked at him, startled and soft, and Jay had to hug him, pushing playfully until they were sprawled on the bed. Logan went with it, laughing slightly, hiding his face in Jay’s neck but whispering, “Yeah.”
They lay there for a long time, hands wandering lightly, heating so slowly that when Jay finally felt the urge to kiss Logan, it was like a punch to the chest.
Logan must have felt the same, or maybe Jay made a noise, because he was tipping his head up almost as soon as Jay realised how much he wanted Logan closer.
Logan made a small sound as their lips touched. Jay felt it flare through him, and he had to move, shifting so he was between Logan’s parted thighs—not too close, not yet. He made sure to keep it slow, almost chaste. Just lips, the hint of wetness, breath warming the space between them.
Jay broke the kiss for a moment, and, fuck, Logan looked good on Jay’s unmade bed, the ripple and foam of the sheets around him, a spill of dark across the white comforter.
“Fuck, you look good,” Jay couldn’t help but say.
Logan frowned, pulling Jay down, probably to shut him up. Jay crawled closer between Logan’s parted legs—and wasn’tthatits own benediction—and did as prompted.
Jay ate everything up. The sounds that Logan made, quiet like a damning fact he was trying to hide. The way he squirmed, all stiff poise leaving him, turning his muscles wild, twitching towards Jay as if not under his own control. The way he arched his spine, his socked feet sliding on the comforter, trying to get closer. The way his usually stern expression peeled away petal by petal to reveal a soft, wanting thing that Jay couldn’t hope to resist.
Jay wasn’t sure how long they made out. Time had turned syrupy, dripping all over them, solidifying into amber and trapping them within.
By the time they parted with slow, languid kisses, Jay was hard but not aching. Content. Warm. Safe.
He wrapped his arms around Logan and closed his eyes.
**********
“Shit.”
