Page 74 of Rat Park
“Another day,” he promised, zipping up his coat.
“I’ll hold you to that,” Cat said, giving him a hug.
The night was quiet and cold as he walked back to his car, which was parked a few blocks away. Everybody was home with their own families, the glow of them shining through the windows of the apartments that lined the streets. The solitude and darkness around Dominic seemed to have its own weight, coalescing in his stomach and making his muscles ache.
Dominic dug his hands into his pockets. He had shorn his hair short recently, and the air brushed against the prickle of his scalp.
“Dominic,” a voice said behind him just as he was reaching his car. Dominic turned around, although he didn’t have to do so to recognise who it was.
“Flor. Hey.”
Flor approached him slowly, his breath leaving footprints in the air. He stopped in front of Dominic, a foot away and still too close. For once, Flor didn’t seem to have anything to say, and Dominic cleared his throat awkwardly.
“How are you?” Dominic asked, keenly aware that they hadn’t spoken since the end of summer.
“Good. You?”
“Good.”
Silence descended again. Dominic wondered about how strange it was that there were times in his life when he felt so close to Flor that it was as if he could melt right into his skin, and others in which Flor felt so far away that Dominic didn’t know how’d they’d ever be able to breach the gap.
But maybe Flor knew, because in the next moment he had taken that one step closer and had his lips pressed against Dominic’s.
Dominic’s stomach lurched, his eyes closing of their own volition, mouth parting to allow Flor’s tongue inside. The kiss lasted for only a few excruciating seconds before Flor was yanking himself away, almost pushing back.
Flor wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand as if Dominic’s taste had been nothing more than a mistake.
“Why—are you addicted to me? Is that what this is?” Flor demanded.
Dominic opened his mouth, stunned. A moment later Flor’s face crumpled, looking contrite.
“I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean it like that.”
Dominic said nothing, looking down at the dirty patch of sidewalk between them. Flor a made small, cracked noise.
“I just. I don’t understand why you’re letting me kiss you if you don’t want me,” Flor said quietly, even though his voice pierced the air around Dominic.
“I want you,” Dominic said because Flor’s kiss had been a poison that allowed nothing but the truth.
“No. You want to have sex with me. You don’t wantme.”
Dominic closed his eyes, shaking his head at how utterly ridiculous that statement was. “I wantyou, Flor.”
“Then why? Why…why not, if this isn’t just sex, why won’t you let us have more?” Flor implored. Dominic took a deep breath.
“Just because I want you doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to have you. You deserve better.”
There was a moment of silence. When Flor finally spoke, his voice was hard—a stony kind of anger. “Do you realise how incredibly condescending that is?”
Dominic shrugged slightly because even though Flor might find the idea condescending, it didn’t make it untrue.
“Why? Explain it to me, then. Why is it such a terrible idea to have me? Why aren’t you something I deserve?”
“Because I’m a junkie. Once a junkie, always a junkie. That’s never going away,” Dominic said, his voice flat.
“So? So? What—and, by the way, I hate when you use the word junkie like that—does no addict deserve to have a relationship? You should all just be alone forever?”
“Yes,” Dominic said, even though the word didn’t feel like the complete truth. In this context, however, it rang true.
