Page 39 of Rat Park
“Okay. Then acceptance. Acceptance that it is done. And the ability to respect the autonomy of others to forgive you, if they choose to.”
Dominic thought about Flor’s gentle hold, his fingers brushing the sensitive skin at the back of his neck, the way he hadn’t pulled away until Dominic had.
He nodded slightly. Not trying would mean pushing away that hold, and he wasn’t sure he’d be capable of doing that even if he wanted to.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Flor and Dominic didn’t speak about the incident at the park, even though he could tell Flor wanted to. The next time they baked together, alone in the warm kitchen, Flor threw him looks he would avoid. Flor didn’t bring the subject up, however, and Dominic had breathed deeply with relief as the opportunity to do so slipped away.
Summer approached fast, and with it, Flor became distracted in the entanglement of his end-of-year exams. Despite Flor’s bravado, Dominic could tell during Monday dinners that Flor would become a mess after each test. Dominic took to picking him up after them with his recently purchased, used car that bore the marks of another family. Dominic would take him for a drive, or stop at a diner to get a milkshake, and let him let out all the pent-up energy with his gesturing hands as he talked.
Dominic was invited to his graduation, Flor’s eyes fierce and challenging, making him realise Flor was expecting a rejection.
“I’d love to go,” Dominic said quietly and watched the fight seep out of Flor suddenly, a vulnerable confusion taking over before he leapt towards Dominic for a hug. Dominic held him back.
The ceremony was slow and hot and would have been tedious if Dominic hadn’t been so nervous, as if just being there was a presumption on his part that would tip fate away from his favour. Seeing Flor in his cap and gown, however, walking the line to receive his diploma, had filled him with a rushing pride he’d never felt before, as if the person walking the stage was his, somehow. It was obviously untrue, but it did nothing to dampen the feeling.
When Flor called him one day deep into the summer and shrieked down the phone that he had gotten into pre-med in his first-choice college, Dominic had grinned and replied, “Of course,” because,of course. It was exactly what Flor deserved.
Dominic even allowed himself to attend Flor’s goodbye party, a get-together with family and family friends. He arrived early to help with the preparations, Flor barrelling down the stairs to meet him and then following him into the kitchen to make a nuisance of himself.
Dominic kept to the outskirts of the party despite Cat and Esteban’s insistence on introducing him to everybody and Flor’s habit of sticking close by. He’d watch Flor from across the room when Dominic managed to escape and think,You’re leaving, but it didn’t feel real. Flor, he had to admit, was the best friend he had, perhaps the strongest bond he had ever experienced, or at least the happiest one. That was then, however. The future held far more uncertain things.
Dominic took a moment to himself between the side of the house and the fence that corralled the back-garden in. He gave in to the urge of lighting up a cigarette, knowing that any unspoken rules he may be breaking were worth the calming of his nerves. As if he had been sniffed out, however, Flor appeared almost as soon as the tip of the cigarette flared red.
“There you are,” he said, approaching him. Dominic let a smoky breath out slowly, leaving his back against the house as he turned his head to look at him.
“I’ve only been here for a minute,” Dominic said with a verbal roll of his eyes.
Flor stopped in front of him, almost too close, looking at him with shadowed eyes before suddenly taking the cigarette from Dominic’s fingers nimbly and raising it to his own lips and wrapping them around the end. Dominic snatched it back before he could take a drag.
“The hell are you doing? You don’t smoke.”
“I smoke sometimes,” Flor said petulantly.
“Don’t be dumb, kid.”
“I’m not a kid. I’m eighteen!”
Dominic snorted, shaking his head.
“What? What’s that noise for? What’s so funny?”
“The fact that you think being a kid disappears the moment you hit eighteen,” Dominic said. As if to prove him right, Flor just stuck his tongue out at him, making him laugh.
Flor didn’t move from in front of him, and Dominic put the cigarette out, not wanting to blow smoke into his face. Flor looked at him with one of those serious, cryptic expressions he got sometimes. Dominic couldn’t ask, ‘What?’, too scared of the answer, but Flor told him anyway.
“I’m going to miss you,” he said quietly, so softly it was delivered like a secret, like something meant just for them.
“No, you aren’t,” Dominic couldn’t help but reply because it was true. Flor thought he would miss his current life now, but he’d go to college and between his classes and his new friends and everything else, he would forget about Dominic except once in a while when he saw someone smoke at a party and had a passing thought.
Flor closed his eyes and shook his head because he didn’t know the future like Dominic did. He hadn’t been forgotten by people and forgotten them in turn, and so didn’t know to recognise the aching, tender moment before it happened.
So Flor sighed and stood a little closer, so that Dominic could feel his warmth and smell him, could see his long eyelashes individually, and the freckles beneath the shadow they cast. Could feel his breath, almost, and the beating pulse of his own heart. Dominic looked at his eyes and was afraid for a moment, but then Flor hugged him instead of what Dominic had thought was going to happen.
He felt no disappointment. That aching, rushing feeling was just relief.
Dominic leaned away from the house and into Flor’s arms, holding him back.
