Page 37 of Rat Park
“They shouldn’t be in my life in the first place. That’s the point. Theyshouldknow—I’m not this. I’m not…when I relapse…they shouldn’t be around me.”
“Well. That would be quite convenient for you,” Ian said. Dominic stared at him. Ian just raised his eyebrows slightly.
Dominic had thought that therapy would mostly involve hearing ‘Uh-huh’ and ‘And how does that make you feel?’. There was some of that, sure, but there was also a fair share of Ian challenging Dominic with a casual sentence and a look.
Dominic didn’t know which version he liked least.
“What does that mean?” Dominic asked.
“Well, if I may make an observation?”
Dominic rolled his eyes and nodded.
“Most of the time we talk about the future, about how to move on, about putting plans in place, the conversation quickly turns towards all the things you have done in the past that you deem terrible, and how this means that you don’t deserve the good things that those plans would bring anyway, so what’s the point in trying? Have you noticed this pattern?” Ian asked. His voice was completely devoid of condescension, truly asking if this was something Dominic had seen, but it still made his teeth clench.
“Aren’t we supposed to talk about the past in therapy?”
“If it’s useful, yes. But it also depends onhowwe are talking about the past, how we are letting that inform our decisionsnow. You say that because of what you have done in the past and how you think this predicts the future, it means that the best part of your life—correct me if I’m wrong—should be taken away. Is this a useful way to look at the past?”
“What, so I’m just not responsible for anything I do? Anybody can do anything and then be all, ‘Sorry, that’s in the past, I can have good things now’? Someone can go on a murder spree and then brush it off? No action should have any consequence or punishment?”
“I would agree with you that as a general statement, no, that isn’t a valid statement to make. However, general statements are not often useful when we are talking about an individual. This is not about a rule-of-thumb law that can be applied to the general population. General statements can guide us to navigate the world, but it is important to develop a more nuanced moral understanding about specific events and individuals. We are not talking aboutpeople, and we are certainly not talking about a murderer. We are talking about you, the individual.”
“Well, me, the individual, did those things. I saw kids in houses with two drugged up parents and said nothing. I, I, I stole and I…fuck I, what, I can just, just because I’m a junkie I can excuse that?”
“Why is that the focus? Excusing you or not excusing you? Punishing you or not punishing you? Why is that so important?”
“Because! We can’t just go around letting people—”
“I’m sorry, I’m going to interrupt you there. Again, we are not talking aboutpeople, general. We are talking aboutyou, individual. Yes, as a general statement, there is order in there being a negative consequence to harmful behaviour. However, even putting aside the lessons you were taught as a young child which lead you to that behaviour, even putting aside what you yourself were suffering at the time, even putting aside the prices you have already paid and the punishment that has already been dealt, if we acknowledge you believe that you deserve more punishment, what would giving you that punishment serve? What good would it do?”
“I deserve it.”
“Okay, you think you deserve it. But that is not the question. What good would the punishment do? Would it teach you something you don’t already know, seeing as you are already suffering from guilt? Would you treat people more kindly as a consequence? Would it change your life for the better? Would it improve your job, your education, your opportunities, the people in your life? Would it do any good to the people who you think you have wronged? Would it helpthemin any way? What is the purpose, what is the goal, what is the desired result from this punishment you so steadfastly think you deserve?”
Dominic stared at Ian.Desired result?In his world, punishment didn’t have a desired result. It was dished out in the name of justice. The consequences were inconsequential. What it did to the people it crushed, if it managed to protect or reform, was an afterthought to the collective pleasure at seeing someone who had done wrong brought to their knees.
“I understand this must be a strange question, Dominic. I understand the impulse to see a wrong done and want to immediately react with, ‘That should be punished’. But I want you to step back for a moment and think about if that punishment isuseful. Let’s answer some questions with ‘yes’ or ‘no’.”
“I hate it when we do this.”
“It makes you uncomfortable because we are challenging a pattern of thought and behaviour you are comfortable with, yes?”
Dominic sighed. “Fine.”
“Okay. Do you deem you have done harm in the past?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think you need to be punished for this?”
“Yes.”
“Would cutting the Romeros out of your life be a punishment for this?”
A slight pause, not out of doubt but out of vulnerability. “Yes.”
“Would cutting the Romeros out of your life help you stay sober?”
