Page 25 of Rat Park
“Does there have to be a point? Who says there’s something you’resupposedto do?”
“If there’s no point and there’s nothing I’m supposed to do, then why not just get high and die? Twenty-seven is a couple of years away—that’s the magic number to die from an overdose, isn’t it?”
“Whynotget high?”
“That’s what I’m askingyou.”
“And I’m asking you back.”
“You’re driving me fucking insane,” Dominic growled, but snorted slightly as Ian smiled. “Because…because it ruins my life.”
“In what way does getting high ruin your life?”
“Uh, I don’t know, fucking going to prison for one? Not having any money, any fucking education, being so fuckingalone—” Dominic stopped himself from going further, his throat burning.
“Okay. Good. Well, there we have it. Not four things you’resupposedto do, but four things you want in your life. One, to not go to prison again. Two and three, an education and job that sustains you financially. And, four, bonds.”
“Fucking great. Let me go out and get all those things.”
“Great. Do you want some help with that?” Ian asked sincerely.
Dominic let out a choked laugh, running his hands over his face. “Fucking hell.”
“That’s what this is about, Dominic. Therapy. Life. I get that it’s difficult because there’s no handbook. There are lots of things people tell you you’re supposed or not supposed to do, but those are all bullshit as well. It’s about finding the things which enrichyourlife, as long as they don’t cause significant harm to others…and pursuing them. Sometimes fear will tell us exactly what the things worth fighting for are because they are the things we’re most afraid of.”
“Easy-peasy,” Dominic said sarcastically.
“You’re right. It’s not easy. But it sure as hell is worth it. So, Dominic. Do you want any help getting those things in your life?”
“What if I don’t deserve them?” Dominic said, the words out of his mouth before he could think about them.
“Everybody deserves those things.”
“Not everybody. Hitler doesn’t—”
“If you have to compare yourself to Hitler,” Ian huffed.
“I’m not—I’m just proving a point. Noteverybodydeserves those things.”
“Okay, then. When you’ve committed intentionally malicious acts against other people instead of the behaviours of someone desperate to escape the unfairness of a loveless cage, we can talk about whether you deserve fundamental human rights or not. Until then, I think it’s safe to assume that, yes, Dominic, you deserve to be loved.”
Those last words were like a punch to Dominic’s chest.
“So. Do you want any help getting those things?”
Dominic closed his eyes. He let the silence settle around him before pushing past it.
“Yeah. I do.”
CHAPTER NINE
Despite Ian’s help, Dominic turned most of Cat’s subsequent dinner invitations down, but she was nothing if not persistent. She began with explicit invitations and then started talking to him every Thursday during volunteering as if she assumed he’d be at her house the following Monday. Eventually, she figured out exactly where to hit.
“I’ll be busy with a late shift, so Esteban needs your help preparing the salad. You don’t mind, do you?” Cat said one night as they pulled up to his apartment. Dominic looked at her suspiciously.
“He needs my help? Isn’t Flor around?”
“Flor’s got homework. I mean, I can tell Esteban that you don’t want to help—”
