Page 97 of Rat Park
“It’s nothing.”
“It obviouslyisn’tnothing, so spit it out!”
Dominic remained quiet, frowning at the floor.
“Here we go. This is what you always do. You don’t say anything, you just cross your arms and make me out to be the bad guy and nothing gets solved!”
Suddenly, Dominic couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take Flor’s loud voice or his words, his exhaustion piling up with a feeling of worthlessness that was always there, just waiting to bite.
“Where are you going?” Flor demanded.
“I need some air,” Dominic said, pulling his coat on and grabbing his keys. He didn’t wait to hear what Flor had to say about that. He needed to get out.
The night was cold but dry, the air serving to calm Dominic down. He walked until he reached a small, nearby park, sitting on a bench as he tried to still his shaking hands.
He was making Flor unhappy. He knew he was. Flor was right. Dominic struggled to open up, even about small things, no matter how hard he tried. And that was the thing—hewastrying. If there was one person Dominic felt he could really open up to, it was Flor. He tried to use his words, like Flor had said. Tried to ask for things he wanted, had told Flor things about his past, about his fears about the future.
It obviously wasn’t enough. His best just wasn’t enough.
Dominic didn’t know how long he had been sitting there when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out with numb hands, unsurprised when the text was from Flor.
Flor
where are you?
Dominic
The park
There was a slight pause until the next text came through.
Flor
please come home
Dominic felt a lurch in his gut. He knew what was coming.
He got up and walked home.
The apartment was quiet, not even the TV on, when Dominic stepped through the door. He hung up his coat and took off his shoes before approaching the couch Flor was sitting on, looking at Dominic over its back.
Dominic sat down quietly, trying to find words. As always, however, Flor got there first.
“I’m sorry,” Flor said softly.
Dominic looked up at Flor in surprise. Flor’s face was contrite, and Dominic wondered if he was about to get dumped, but Flor went on.
“I didn’t mean that, what I said before. Youdoshare things with me. I know that. I know it’s harder for you to put things into words than it is for me and I know…I know I can be annoying and that I don’t have a right to every single part of you just because I’m your boyfriend. I get that.”
Dominic frowned in confusion. Didn’t Flor have that right? “You do deserve…something. More. I know I don’t give you enough—”
“You do, though. Dominic.” Flor shifted a little closer on the couch. “You do where it counts. You’ve shared…a lot, with me. We just…I know I’m a talker, okay? Maybe too much. Maybe I depend on it too much, I don’t know. Like, I know exactly why you were angry today, I don’t know why I needed you to say it out loud. Sometimes I just think it’d be better if we just fight about things instead of keeping them inside. I just…I get scared when you don’t talk, because I don’t know what you’re thinking, and it makes me spaz out. I don’t know if you suddenly don’t want this anymore, or—”
“Flor, that’s crazy,” Dominic cut in. The very thought that Flor forgetting a few ingredients for dinner would cause Dominic to want to end their relationship was the last thing Flor should have been afraid of.
“I mean, I get that. Logically. But, you know. I get scared.”
It floored Dominic for a few seconds, his admission. That Flor was scared of the same things Dominic was. Dominic wondered if that was normal or if they were a little fucked up, or if it mattered at all.
