Page 73 of Rat Park
“We said, in the beginning, that we were doing this for the summer, right? You’d just broken up with your boyfriend—”
“Mark? What the hell doeshehave to do with this?” Flor said, dropping his hands to stare incredulously at Dominic.
“Nothing. But, you know. You were on the rebound—”
“Rebound!” Flor almost shouted. “Rebound? Are you serious right now? You thinkyou’remy rebound?”
“I mean…” Dominic didn’t know what to say.
“Oh my God,” Flor groaned, dropping his head against the back of the couch and covering his face with his hands again. “You’re such an idiot. You’re such an…idiot.”
Dominic didn’t defend himself. He obviouslywasan idiot, because he had no idea what was going on.
Flor’s hands lowered, leaving him staring sightlessly ahead for a few moments. When he lifted his head and looked at Dominic, his expression was flat and closed-off. It made Dominic’s stomach clench sickeningly.
“I guess this is it, then. Summer’s over, so.” Flor made a wide gesture as if to say,and so is everything else.
Dominic opened his mouth, but he had nothing to say. He didn’t understand how Flor had been on his lap a few moments before, kissing him, and was now sitting next to him on the couch, miles away.
“I should go,” Flor said quietly, getting up. Panic speared through Dominic. He’d done something wrong, and if he could only figure out what it was, then maybe he could fix it.
“Wait, please. Just wait a second,” Dominic pleaded, but Flor took another step away, shaking his head.
“I want to go.”
Dominic closed his mouth. He looked at Flor, his body turned away from Dominic, head bowed and fists clenched. If Flor wanted to leave, Dominic would gladly suffer seeing him find someone better.
So Dominic said nothing and Flor left.
**********
Flor left without saying goodbye to Dominic, which hurt even as it didn’t surprise him. The wound of Flor’s absence was deepened by the amount of time they had spent together during the summer, as well as the unfulfilled promise they had made not to let the sexual part of their relationship affect the rest of it.
Flor had left traces of himself everywhere. He was the ringing of a bell after it tolls, reverberating around Dominic’s head. His hands twitched to text Flor accounts of his day, to ask to hear his voice, to feel the warmth of his presence. Flor’s phantom was in the nook of his kitchen and the dip of his couch. He came out late at night to haunt Dominic in his bed, the bed Dominic imagined still smelled of Flor.
Dominic lay in the darkness and imagined Flor. Not just his heated touch, but other types of intimacy. He missed those small moments he had barely slowed down to appreciate, like the way Flor had taken to laying his hand absently on Dominic’s thigh when he drove, or the way he put his head on Dominic’s shoulder when they watched a movie so that Dominic got to wrap his arm around him and pull him closer, got to feel how warm and soft he was, how everything quieted down for a moment inside his head.
Dominic didn’t think Flor had told his parents about what happened over the summer, but the moment Flor left, Cat was on Dominic like never before. It was almost overbearing at times, her watchful eyes, but Dominic couldn’t find it in him to resent it.
“Cat, I don’t know what this is about but, I’m good. I need a night to myself,” Dominic found the courage to say eventually after five straight evenings at the Romeros’. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy their company, but he was exhausted after work and needed some time to decompress in his own solitude.
“Okay. But if you need anything. Anything,” Cat said.
“I know.”
This time, even as he felt himself slipping, he only sunk so far. It didn’t hurt any less. The itch wasn’t gone. But somehow the world pulled him forward until he could stumble onto his feet.
**********
Dominic had managed not to crash the Romeros’ Christmas celebrations by volunteering at the soup kitchen closest to his apartment. That year, his plans were half-thwarted when Cat declared they would be joining him. Dominic could hardly protest. The kitchen needed all the hands it could take, and it wasn’t like he was in charge of deciding what the Romeros did for Christmas.
Still, part of him had hoped Flor would have other plans with friends, an idea that dissolved the moment Cat and Esteban arrived with their son in tow. Flor was wearing an oversized, ridiculously coloured Christmas sweater, looking beautiful under the fluorescent lights.
Dominic greeted them and tried not to act strangely around Flor. Luckily, there was enough work to do that Dominic quickly became distracted, keeping his head down as he dished out one of the courses. From the corner of his eye, however, he could see Flor handing out dessert, chatting happily with the queue of people moving down the line. He seemed completely unaware of Dominic’s presence.
Dominic told himself that was good.
By the end of the night, Dominic was oddly exhausted and was relieved when everything had been cleaned up and the volunteers could leave. He must have looked as tired as he felt because Cat and Esteban didn’t make much of a fuss when Dominic turned down their invitation to go back to their place to wrap up the night.
