Page 25 of All That Has Flown Beyond
“Is that feeling, of not feeling useless and alone, worth working towards?”
“Towards what? I was kicked out! It’s not my choice to feel…to be like this.”
“Is that the only pack, the only land, the only people you can connect to? Is that the only way to have that feeling again?”
“Yes.”
“That’s quite unusual. Everybody I’ve ever met has had the capacity to form relationships with different people, to live in different places. What makes you different?”
“Because I don’twantto belong anywhere else.”
“Ah, so it’s a choice, not an inability. That’s good to know, right? It tells us—you’re in control, even if it certainly doesn’t feel that way. You can choose whether to stay where you are and not feel that connection again, or you can do something and work through what’s stopping you from attempting another connection.”
Kaiyo blinked at the floor.
Choice?Choice?
“This isn’t a choice. You think I would choose this? To feel like this?”
“No. And this certainly isn’t about blame or even responsibility. The things that have led you to this moment might not have been conscious choices, but the pure truth of the matter is that only you can choose to change it. And it is a choice. A difficult choice that doesn’t feel like a choice at all, but a choice nonetheless. The choice isn’t, ‘Should I feel this?’. It’s, ‘What can I do in this moment to prevent the escalation of this emotion?’. It’s a series of choices that ultimately lead to change.”
Kaiyo had never heard anything more exhausting. “I can’t.”
“Why?” Claudia asked, her voice soft and nonconfrontational
“I…I’m broken, okay? Useless.”
“In what way?”
“In every fucking way! I…I should be a shaman. I should have helped my pack. I should have been good enough to, to…” His mouth was pasty with tears. “To have them want me. I should have…” Kaiyo closed his eyes. His cheeks were wet.
“Kaiyo, I understand you went through a severing ritual that was traumatic in its suddenness. I understand how losing so much at once, on top of what you have already gone through, can colour your perspective of the world. That’s normal. But it isn’t accurate. Right now, you are seeing yourself and your future through a lens clouded by past trauma and your current emotional state. Again, as normal as this is, it results in a complete distortion of reality. We have to wipe away at that lens a little.”
“Why? What’s the point? Just…what’s the fucking point?”
“Because you are making extremely big decisions, like what to do with your life, based on completely inaccurate information. In any situation, that results in harmful, unnecessary consequences. You can do what you want with your life, Kaiyo, but let’s at least get to a point where the information you have is accurate.”
Kaiyo shook his head. God, he was just so tired.
“I know that when we set up the goal like that it seems enormous. But, for now, we have no big goal. We have the moment. That’s all we can operate in. What we can do in therapy is simply take steps. Small, manageable steps. Forget about the destination. For now, we are walking.”
Kaiyo stared blankly at the wall.
“I’m going to refer you to our psychiatrist as well, if that’s okay with you. She’ll talk to you about other options to try on top of therapy, such as medication. How does that sound?”
Kaiyo closed his eyes. It sounded impossible. It all sounded utterly impossible.
He thought about the fight he would have to have with his mom if he said no. The wheel and axle of his body crusted over completely.
“Fine,” he said, knowing it was useless. He was useless. But there was no escaping this.
*****
Kaiyo went to the psychiatrist. She was a dickhead. Her voice was condescending as she explained the necessity for therapy and self-help, how medication was only part of a triangle, how…
Kaiyo stopped listening.
He was prescribed SSRIs. Adeline and Kaiyo went to the pharmacy to pick them up. Adeline immediately took control of them. It was another battle in a long line that he lost.
