Page 23 of All That Has Flown Beyond
“I know that.” They stared at each other. The anger drained out of him as quickly as it had flared. The swinging between emotions was exhausting. He didn’t have the will to fight.
He was sat on the toilet lid. He remained still as his mom shaved him slowly. The scrape of the razor was soft and intolerable.
He was placed on his feet. He was undressed. He was in the shower.
“Stop,” Kaiyo said, taking the sponge from Adeline’s hand. He closed the shower curtain, making her disappear.
He looked down at the wheel and axle of his arm. Of his body. It was covered in rust. He tried to push against it, and it let out a grinding noise at the force. He felt his exhausted muscles strain. He pushed with all his might at the lever.
Creeak. Creeak.
The axle moved. The wheel started turning, shifting his body in jolts.
Creeakwent the lever.Creeakwent his body.Creeakwent his mind.
He started crying. He didn’t know why. It was infinite around him, pressing down. He didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want to be anywhere. He wanted to close his eyes and close his eyes and close.
He dried himself numbly. The towel was heavy. Hea-vy. Hea-vy. The word tracked a path through his head.
Hea-vy.
Remember, it mused. Can you remember that time, ooooh, the sky was blue. It was after the Saba shaman was there; he had to set up the wards because you’re a useless piece of shit. Useless. Useless.
And it was the next day and you walked around your—Ahmik’s, not yours, obviously not yours—land.
It felt yours, though. It was yours.
And you walked through the forest on the rich earth and you felt. Can you remember that feeling? Like everything in you was aligned. Quiet, quiet, quiet inside. The filaments of you connected to the world around. The sea inside calm. You were what you were, and what you were wasn’t bad.
You were part of something. You were part of yourself, feeling whole or close to it. Feeling. Rested.
“It’s okay. Shhh, come on, it’s going to be okay.”
Kaiyo was sitting down on the toilet again. His mom was crouched in front of him, clutching his hands.
For the rest of his life. Every, every, every second. That feeling would never come back. Never. Never. He was alone. Hollow. Useless.
What was the point?
God, what was the point?
**********
His house became haunted by a poltergeist.
Before, all the phantoms would just float around and make it hard to see and breathe, freezing the air around him. Now, the ghost didn’t stop.Eat, it said,get up, take a shower, eat again, take a shower.
The rusty wheel was always screeching. The virus of his exhaustion stuffed all his cells, weighing them down.
His mouth shouted, sometimes. A lot of the time.Fuck off, he told the poltergeist.Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off!
The poltergeist didn’t leave.
He was going insane.
**********
Time. Time. More time. It dragged him along.
