Page 28 of All That Has Flown Beyond
“That’s a horrible voice to live with, Kaiyo. I understand that. It’s hard not to listen to it. But it is another distortion of depression. At a fundamental level, we have to remember that, yes, depression is a consistent low mood, but its impact is mainly a distortion of perspective. It is a legitimate mental health difficulty. This means that your brain, mind, and body are not functioning in a healthy way.
“What this means is that any information processed by your brain right now is going to be corrupted. We need to debug the system slowly. We can’t trust what it puts out. So, when it tells you the antivirus isn’t working, it means nothing.”
Kaiyo furrowed his brows thoughtfully, chewing at his lip.
Claudia continued. “This makes it incredibly hard to track progress if you only use what the malware—excuse me if I’m taking this metaphor too far—is corrupting. And what it is corrupting right now is ‘emotional perspectives on world and self’. Youfeellike nothing has changed. Youfeellike you’re useless. Youfeellike this is going to go on forever.”
“But if that’s how I feel…what do I do?”
Claudia tilted her head. “Emotional perspectives can mask themselves as logic or facts, but that’s why we do those fact-collecting exercises. It’s difficult to do those alone, because we can be biased on the facts we collect. It’s natural to discard those that don’tfeelimportant. Which is why therapy helps. It offers another perspective.
“For now, Kaiyo, you cannot measure the success of anything by how it feels. I know that’s hard because how you feel is what you actually want to change, but that’s just the way it goes. Right now, you have to focus ondoing. When you feel a certain way, we need to not react in the first way that comes to mind. The pattern of behaviour and thought perpetuating the emotional need to be broken, and this takes time and patience but, God, is it worth it.”
Kaiyo looked up at Claudia. For months, nothing had seemed worth it. But now, with her words ringing in her ears, he felt something flare to life inside him.
“And, Kaiyo, let me tell you. When you first came, I wasn’t sure if you were at a point where you were ready to do that. But I am so, so proud of you. Youaredoing it. Things which may seem little to you,aren’t. They really, really aren’t. Every little thing counts.
“So…let’s keep going. As we’ve been doing, we’ll identify the patterns perpetuating emotion. We will set little goals on how to change them. We can practice it here. And we can do it at home. Eventually, the scale will tip, and you’ll startfeelingthe changes. Until then, let’sdo.”
It was rare that Claudia talked so much. Normally, it was Kaiyo being prompted into monosyllabic answers or long rants. Kaiyo looked at Claudia steadily. He recognized, suddenly, how exhausting what she was proposing would have seemed a few months ago. It had seemed unimaginable. But now, listening to the passion and conviction in her voice, he felt almost stirred. He was exhausted, but now he was aided by the force of momentum.
Kaiyo nodded at Claudia and watched her smile.
It felt almost, almost, like hope.
**********
Kaiyo’s mom parked the car outside the apartment. She had transferred hospitals after he had proven unable to return to Bamsdale, where the bodies of his ghosts were buried. Kaiyo would never be able to explain the mixture of guilt and gratitude he felt towards her.
Kaiyo put a hand over hers, stopping her from getting out of the car. She sat back, looking at him curiously, even though she immediately wrapped her hand around his.
“Mom…I just…thank you. For, you know. Everything,” Kaiyo said quietly in the intimacy of the car. Adeline’s face softened.
“Honey. You are the most important thing to me in the whole world. You don’t need to thank me.” She leaned over the gearstick, wrapping him tightly in her arms. “I am so damn proud of you, Kaiyo. You can’t imagine how proud of you I am.”
Kaiyo closed his eyes and let himself be held.
*****
That night, like a cosmic joke, his Ousía manifested.
CHAPTER FIVE
Kaiyo had never expected his manifestation to feel like this. It was a pyrrhic victory.
He ignored it. Ignored the calling, the sweetness of the possibility laying inside him. It had been more than a year since he even looked at any text to do with Ousía, but old knowledge was a luring scent whispering through his mind.
He told his mom. She hugged him with understanding on her face. For once, she didn’t push.
He told Claudia.Steps, she said. He took steps. One, another, another. It was a winding road filled with crossroads. One day he looked up, and he and his Ousía weren’t alone.
Her name was Akiko. Adeline had known her from long ago, when she was still married to Kaiyo’s father. Akiko was a shaman, her ancestors having moved to America from a Japanese village near where the Amanatis, Kaiyo’s paternal side of the family, were originally from.
As if by fate, Akiko was part of the pack nearest to the city Kaiyo was living in. He drove alone to the cottage by the forest where she lived, a quaint wooden structure that was part workspace, part home. The walls were covered with shelves stuffed with old tombs, glass cabinets with jars and pots filled with ritual ingredients. There were lines of sectioned-off crystals, plant pots littered everywhere, herbs dangling from the ceiling as they hung to dry. The smell of the place immediately reminded Kaiyo of his father, and he had to close his eyes for a moment as memories assaulted him.
“Kaiyo Amanati. A pleasure,” Akiko greeted him. She was tall and pale, with thin eyes peering at him mischieviously.
“Akiko Saeki. It’s an honour. Thank you for meeting with me.”
