Page 27 of All That Has Flown Beyond
“Who cares?” Kaiyo muttered.
“You don’t have to care. Right now, we’re just trying to be analytical about the situation, as we know that emotions distort perspective, and we’re under their influence lately. We have a hypothesis: nothing has changed. We’re trying to see if, factually, that’s correct or not. How you feel about the conclusions is another matter, but let’s at least collect precise information.”
Kaiyo wrinkled his nose but sighed. “Okay.”
“Okay, so. You still feel at a zero. As often as, say, two months ago?”
“No.”
“When you do feel at a zero, is it for as long?”
Kaiyo thought about it. “I guess…no. I mean, before, it was just all the time.”
“Before, when you were at a zero, were you convinced you would never get out? Never not be at a zero?”
Kaiyo took a deep breath. “Yeah. It was…all there was. It was just that place, everywhere.”
“When you do return to that place now, does all of you still feel that conviction that it’s forever? Remember, I’m not asking if that feeling has disappeared, only if it has changed from before.”
“I mean…I don’t know. It’s hard…when I’m there it’s like…I don’t know. It’s too shit to compare.”
“Okay, that’s completely understandable. What about going outside? Are you doing that more?”
“I don’t really go out much.”
“Remember—”
“Right, right, right, we’re talking about change. Yeah, I guess. I mean, I come here every week and to the psychiatrist every few weeks, so…”
“And what about eating? Are you eating more regularly?”
“Yeah, but that’s because of Mom.”
“Well, it’s absolutely normal to have someone prompt that at this stage but, believe me, there are many people stuck in a place where not even their mom can get to them. That’s stillyoueating the food.”
“I guess.”
“Okay. So, to recap. The hypothesis was, nothing has changed. However, from the information we have collected, you are engaging in more self-care and hygiene behaviours such as showering, brushing your teeth, eating, et cetera. You are doing more things, such as activities that may not be nearly as pleasurable as they once were, like watching a movie, but the fact that you are doing them is a change from some months ago. You are going out more. The lowest points of mood do not occur as often or for as long. Is that all correct?”
“I mean…yeah, okay? Yeah. But that’s the thing. I still don’t feel…yeah, all of that has changed, but I still feel like, just…hollow. Like nothingness.”
“Sucks, huh?” Claudia said. Kaiyo stared at her incredulously. “Kaiyo, I’m sorry, but that’s how this path goes. It’s not an indication that therapy or the medication or the things that you are doing are not working. This is literallyhow it works.”
Kaiyo scrunched up his nose, but Claudia went on.
“At this point, we are still stuck in a Catch-22. See, we feel like crap, so we see the world as crap. We see the world as crap, so we feel like crap. We feel like crap, so…well, you get it. So, how the world actually looks is irrelevant at this point. The actual facts aren’t large enough, and your perspective hasn’t cleared enough, to cause a noticeable difference to the cycle of negative thoughts, negative emotions we are stuck in right now.”
Kaiyo slumped a little in his seat, but Claudia just smiled gently.
“I get how that can be demoralizing, but that’s why I’m always encouraging you to look at facts instead of emotional interpretations of the world. I get that you don’tcareabout the facts. You don’tfeelanything about the fact that all those things have changed. They’re, like, hanging in a vacuum. But, unfortunately, it’s just the way this works.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m guessing you’re trying to measure the success of therapy and what you are doing for two main reasons. One, it’s exhausting, and you want to see if it’s worth it. Two, there is a voice that’s telling you this isn’t something that’s happening to you, but something that youare. Instead of believing ‘I have depression’, it’s ‘I have a quality in myself that makes me a depressed person’.”
Kaiyo closed his eyes, nodding slightly.
“That voice is always trying to be proven right, and it is the biggest freaking liar. It’s like a politician, twisting the facts, making something out of nothing. ‘See, you tried that coping mechanism a few times, and it didn’t make you feel instantly better! Obviously, it doesn’t work’! it says. ‘See! You’ve been going to therapy for months, and you aren’t feeling at a six consistently, this doesn’t work! It’syou’! Does that voice sound familiar?”
Kaiyo took in a shaky breath. It was disconcerting to have thoughts he wasn’t fully aware he was having reflected back at him so starkly. “Yeah. It sounds familiar.”
