Page 57 of In This Iron Ground
The thick substance of shame was dripping down his neck and into his lungs. It was covering each alveolus oily and black.
He was suffocating.
How could he have been so stupid?
He’d known. All along, this premonition had been clear, a reflection from the past. He ruined things. Families. Opportunities. Relationships.
Himself.
He ruined things, and now his greed had ruined this too.
He took a trembling breath. Instead of moonlight, it was filled with the scorching rake of humiliation.
The image of Hakan’s soft, pitying eyes was a ghost howling in his head.
Damien took another breath.
He couldn’t do this now. It was Hakan’s goodbye party. He was leaving in two days. There was a family of werewolves downstairs. He couldn’t freak out here. He’d made a mistake and had to live with it.
He folded his emotions down.
a pig, a snake, a deer
Folded the corners down. Pressed the creases.
a swan, a plane, and eagle
He transformed its shape and pressed it down.
Down.
Down.
*****
“You smell funny,” Dee said, running towards him as he stepped outside again. She was so big now. Almost seven.
“Yousmell funny,” Damien teased, sticking his tongue out. Dee reciprocated, scrunching her whole face up. Damien laughed.
He waded into the crowd, camouflaged. He felt nothing inside. Everything was buried in the packed earth.
He caught sight of Hakan. Damien gave him a smile. Hakan frowned in response. It didn’t really matter.
The world made sense like this. Everything was as it should be.
Even though it was late, Damien helped clean up as the party died down. He had to keep going, moving forwards on his own momentum. He didn’t know what would happen when he stopped.
“Hey,” Hakan’s voice said from behind him as Damien stacked cups. He tensed at the sound.
“Hey,” he replied without turning around. He didn’t want to be near Hakan. His presence pierced the thin film stretched over his skin that kept everything in.
“Can we…talk?” Hakan asked.
Damien turned around with a smile. At Hakan’s obvious frown he dropped it, but kept his face placid. “Look, I’m sorry. No! Just…let me finish. I made an honest mistake. And…I’ll deal with it. It’s fine. It’s not a big deal. Can we just…leave it as a blip and move on?” He felt like pleading, but his voice was flat.
Hakan kept silent for so long that for a moment Damien wobbled over his shoddily constructed foundation.
“We good, then?” Hakan said.
