Page 55 of In This Iron Ground
“Damien, that sounds fucking amazing,” Hakan burst out.
Damien looked up at him. “Yeah?”
“Yeah!”
Damien smiled. “Thanks.”
Damien already knew what Hakan wanted to do. English literature. There was an old and established publishing house in their town that Hakan wanted to come back and work at. Damien couldn’t imagine him leaving the pack for long, and an editing job suited him. He was careful with detail and meticulous when it came to his work. He had always been a listener, an observer, and this was an extension of that.
“You excited about college?” Damien asked, changing the subject.
Hakan shrugged. “Yeah, I mean…I’m gonna miss you guys.”
Damien smiled. “So will we,” he said, tamping down the aching truth of the words. “But we’re not going anywhere. A few miles between us…it’s nothing. Not between you and pack.”
Hakan looked at him quietly.
“Yeah. You’re right.”
**********
Damien’s feelings for Hakan seem to rise with the summer heat. They gained force, becoming so tangible that he could almost touch the shape of them, sharp and soft in turns.
Damien hung out with Koko and Olive, with Lallo and Dee, with the family. But there were days and days and days of just him and Hakan.
Hakan had hit and surpassed puberty a long time ago. He was a head taller than Damien, his broad shoulders and square jaw gaining dimension in comparison to Damien’s still-slight frame.
Damien remained bird-bones and freckles. The pale skin under his eyes would bruise sometime with lack of sleep, but the energy of his smiles and moving limbs had changed in the past years. They had become freer, venturing into the surrounding space instead of hiding in a tucked corner inside him.
The sun deepened and multiplied his freckles even as it tanned his skin. Hakan’s already darker skin would deepen with the passage of summer. Damien watched him. He couldn’t help it. Hakan was like a flickering flame in the dark. Damien’s moth spirit was enchanted, circling and circling, until his bravery turned blind.
What if?it started to say.What if?
What if whatever Damien was feeling was reciprocated? What if all of Damien’s fears that he was too worthless for Hakan were just lies? What if Damien’s cowardice was the one in control once again?
What if. What if. What if.
Damien would think about it at night. Images that slipped in and out of dreams. The smiles, and the phantom touches, and the want. The affection. The warmth.
Thewhat if.
There was a buzzing inside of Damien on the night of Hakan’s goodbye party. It had arrived out of the mirage of the summer heat. One moment they were celebrating Hakan’s acceptance into Eketon University, and the next they were at the edge of his departure.
Damien was used to time weaving its thread unevenly through the coarse material of his life.
The whole extended pack was there. They spilled onto one side of the house, where chairs and tables had been spread across the grass.
It was the night before the full moon and opportunity streamed like moonlight through the air.
There was a foreign feeling inside Damien. It felt like hope.
Damien watched Hakan make the rounds. He watched as Hakan was asked questions about his major, about his accommodations, about his feelings about the future. He saw his cup of overstimulation fill until it was almost ready to spill over.
“Wanna take a break?” Damien asked, sidling up to him.
Hakan threw him a grateful smile. “Yes.”
They snuck behind the house, nearing the edge of the forest. There was a stone bench there, free from moss due to the protective runes etches into it. In compensation, the boulders on either side were rich with moss, a pattern of brown and green across the blue stone. They looked like two worlds hanging in space.
