Page 111 of In This Iron Ground
Damien had needed more. His fear had a voice fed by years, by carer after carer, by the McKenzies. It wasn’t logical, but it reigned powerfully across iron land.
He thought about what Mandy would say. The encouraging little smile she would give him as he talked through something himself.
Blame was a strong word. He couldn’t blame himself for his fear. He couldn’t blame himself for what had been donetohim. His lens had been tainted. He couldn’t go to the past, but he could be active in the present.
Enough was enough. It was time to soften the earth and let things grow, unimpeded by the fear that the crops might not come to fruition.
He had to try.
Damien felt Hakan stir behind him. He turned around to watch Hakan wake up. To see how the dawn crested on his face as well. On the small muscles that gained animation, the fluttering eyelashes, the little, childish movements of his mouth.
Hakan’s eyes opened. The first thing they focused on was Damien. He watched Hakan’s vulnerable face rearrange. First, to delight. Then, worry.
“Good morning,” Damien said softly.
“Good morning.” A tentative echo back.
Damien gave him a small smile. Hakan stroked his cheek. They stayed there for a while, in the strengthening light of the day.
“I need to tell you something,” Hakan said eventually.
“Okay,” Damien acquiesced softly.
Silence fell softly for a moment. Hakan took a deep breath.
“Damien, I love you. I’minlove with you and, fuck, I’ve been in love with you for so long.…It’s not something I feel anymore, it’s something Iam. It’s so deep and so…there is nothing I wouldn’t give or kill or change for you to be happy and safe and…that’s how I want to make you feel. Every nightmare you wake up from, I want to be there. Every time you’re sad, or angry, or, or, oranything, I want to be the one that helps you make it go away. Every time you’re happy, it’s me I want you to think about sharing it with.
“You’re so…there is just so much muchness of you, like you fill everything up. You’re the best person I know. My best friend, I just, just…I want you. I want to be your home. Do you understand what I’m saying? I want to be your pack, and your mate, I want to…I want you to never for a single fucking moment ever feel alone again. Ever. Every time you feel worthless I want to rip it apart and sooth it andconvince youbecause you are, Damien you’re everything, you’re so…I don’t have the words. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just don’t have the words to tell you, to show you how fucking amazing, how much I…needand want and…”
Hakan shook his head, choking on a laugh. Damien was finding it hard to draw in a full breath.
“I’ve made so many stupid mistakes, starting with being eighteen and blind and an idiot, and every moment since for not telling you how I felt after I realized it. For being a fucking coward in the face of the bravest person I know. I want you to…I want you. I want everything. You can, obviously, you can say no. If you want to, say no and we’ll be friends, forever. But don’t for a second, don’t you dare for a second pretend that what I’m telling you isn’t true or that I’m confused becauseI’m not. Whatever you may feel is yours, but this is mine, okay, this is mine, so…” He trailed off. Damien could feel Hakan’s hand shaking on his face.
The silence felt thicker than ever. Damien felt he had to force his way through it to get to the carousel of his thoughts.
Hakan loved him.
Mia wanted him to be pack.
Damien remembered, a visceral memory that metastasized straight from the gut, being tucked under his desk at the McKenzies’. That feeling, of wanting to disappear. Of being small and wanting to be smaller. Of being alone and wanting to be nothing.
Of wanting it to stop, stop, stop.
It went so deep, that feeling. So deep into the earth of him. Damien couldn’t see how it would ever stop. How there would ever be anything different. How he could be more.
He looked at Hakan, there in that bed in the light of a new day. Damien’s lens flickered. For a moment, he saw himself through Hakan’s eyes.
Damien realized he was shaking his head when Hakan closed his eyes and laughed a little wetly, a sad smile on face.
“Okay,” Hakan said. “That’s…that’s okay. I get it, after everything I’ve…but I just wanted you to know, even if you don’t, if you can’t…it’s okay…”
Damien looked at him. Open. Loving.
The lens focused. He let his barriers weaken.
Hakan loved him.Loved him, the same way that Damien loved Hakan. With a force that felt like it could destroy or create anything for the other. There was a pain at the centre of his chest, but it felt like relief.
Mia wanted him to be pack.
