Page 80 of In This Iron Ground
“I know that. I don’t…it took me by surprise. It won’t happen again.”
Damien nodded, but he knew. He would never sleep with Nasir again. He wouldn’t be able to keep his head in the experience. The memory of what had happened between him and Hakan would burn through.
“Okay. So, um…friends, yeah?” Damien said, still naked on Hakan’s bed. There were a few inches of space between them now, filled with the thick smell of sex, of residual heat.
“Duh,” Hakan replied. There was a pause. “And…you know. If you wanted some benefits with those friends…”
Damien stared at him. His mind had gone completely blank, but his mouth was still working. “Yeah. Uh…yeah. Okay.”
“Okay. Cool.”
They stared at each other.
“Okay, well…I was promised food,” Damien said. Hakan watched him carefully before a small smile tipped the side of his mouth.
It was a testament to their friendship that they were able to slip back into their day despite this thing that had awakened between them, dozing just below their interactions, waiting to strike.
**********
There was an eerie calmness inside Damien as he walked to his dorm. He unlocked his door, thumping his back against it as it closed behind him.
“Don’t freak out,” his voice said to himself. He took a deep breath.
He lay on his bed, trying to think. To move the different pieces until the image became coherent. He took another breath.
Hakan had pulled away from Damien when he was sixteen. He hadn’t wanted Damien then. But Damien was eighteen now, in college. He hadn’t changed significantly as a person, he didn’t think. By some miracle, however, he had grown into a body that Hakan was attracted to.
The anxiety that had been buzzing inside Damien settled and flattened everything.
Suddenly, it made sense. It was almost a relief, really, to know exactly what he was worth. Not to be Hakan’s partner, or boyfriend, or husband, or mate. He was enough to be a friend. A casual fuck. No more than that.
His place in Hakan’s life echoed almost exactly his relationship with the Salgados as a whole. He was worth being fostered, being taken care of, being loved, even, but not being an official member of the family. Of the pack.
Damien took another deep breath. Hope was an addiction that strung you along. You thought you could give up at any time, but it always wanted a little more of you. Now, however, he could just accept.
He would be Hakan’s friend. They would fuck, perhaps. And then Hakan would find someone who was worthy of him.
It caused a cool, unharmful sort of pain to think about it. Of seeing Hakan with someone who deserved and loved him. What else could he want for the person he loved?
He got up from the bed. He felt a little disoriented for a moment before slipping his laptop out of his bag and booting it up on the desk.
He’d read his essay again. Make sure it flowed. He had things to do.
The strange hollowness at the pit of his stomach always numbed with time.
**********
Damien had showered thoroughly before going to Nasir’s, but he could tell the werewolf knew straightaway. His eyes went directly to Damien’s neck. Damien watched as Nasir’s body tensed, expression falling for a moment before gaining back its composure.
“Come in,” Nasir said, stepping aside.
Damien walked in, a diluted sort of guilt running through him. It wasn’t like their relationship was romantic or exclusive, but it was a relationship nonetheless.
“So…um…” Damien started.
“I’m guessing you got with that werewolf that was only a friend?” Nasir asked with a rueful smile.
“Uh…yeah. I mean, it’s casual. But yeah.”
