Page 56 of In This Iron Ground
“Thanks, man,” Hakan said with a sigh as he collapsed on the bench. Damien smiled, joining him.
They sat close together in the warm cicada night. The air was rich with the scent of the forest. Damien could still hear the laughter and chatter of the Salgados on the other side of the house, the comforting lull of the sea.
He took a deep breath. He let it out slowly.
The moonlight was everywhere. Inside him. It almost had a sound, like the clean ringing of a bell.
Hakan’s shoulder brushed again his. Damien wondered how his heart wasn’t racing. Why his head wasn’t filling with the sound of his rushing blood, his lungs tightening with a lack of air. But everything was still and quiet.
What if?
There, in that lit darkness, Damien turned towards him. Hakan looked back. His smile was as clear as the sky.
Damien leaned in. In, in, until there was a brush of skin. Of lips. Damien felt Hakan’s breath against him.
This was his first kiss.
He pressed forwards and suddenly it was real. The shape and feel of Hakan’s lips. The electricity of it. The—
And then, it was gone.
Damien opened his eyes. For a moment, Hakan’s expression didn’t make sense. It was a disjointed piece in the image that had been unfurling inside him.
Damien’s eyes cleared. His mind.
The expression fit into place. Fit into the progression of his life. Perfectly.
“What are you doing?” Hakan said. His mouth was painted open and startled, his eyebrows frowned by confusion, his hands held up a little, as if to ward Damien away. Hakan was leaning away, jolted from Damien by the kiss.
Everything stopped. His blood, his organs, his neurons, his atoms. There was nothingness—for a moment. And then everything came rushing back.
“I—I…” Damien held up his hands too, sliding to the opposite side of the bench. Hakan straightened slowly.
“Damien…” he said and God, that gentle voice. That pitying letdown. It was worse than any anger could have been.
“Sorry. Sorry, I don’t even know what I was—I was just, fuck!” Damien made to get up, but Hakan grabbed his arm. Every one of Damien’s particles froze.
“Wait. Wait, Damien. I…I’m really sorry, I just don’t—”
“I get it. I totally, totally”—he laughed, hating himself—“totallyget it. I’m an idiot, I—”
“You’re not an idiot. It’s not…I just don’t…I can’t…”
“I get it. Seriously, Hakan. I get it.”
How he could have thought this would end differently defied reason. How many times did life have to teach him this lesson?
“We can forget about it, okay? I’m not…I’m not gonna do that, I mean, I don’t…” Damien tied himself in knots. He wanted to leave. He needed to escape.
He looked up at Hakan’s eyes and knew. There was no forgetting about this. There was no misunderstanding what this meant.
Damien pulled at his arm. Hakan squeezed for a moment before letting go.
Damien got up. “Sorry. I…I’ll see you later, okay?”
Hakan looked at him. Damien shook his head. There was nothing more to say.
He walked in a haze. He slipped into the house, thankfully devoid of people. He crept into his room. As soon as the door was closed, he collapsed.
