Page 102 of In This Iron Ground
“I’m…sorry. I don’t mean it to come off that way.”
“Well. Whatever. It’s fine.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” Then, as if he couldn’t help himself, “I’m not weak,” he bit out.
“I know that. Damien, I know that.”
“Do you, though?” Damien turned to look at Hakan. “You don’t act that way.”
The admission was hard to voice.
“Yes. Damien, Jesus, yes. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”
Damien snorted at that, suddenly exhausted. He sat down on the couch, looking away as Hakan sat next to him.
“Damien, you are!”
“Okay.”
“Damien…” The silence that fell was heavy. Damien wanted to close his eyes and forget the day.
“You just…you treat me like I’m always about to break. Sometimes…it makes me feel like it’s true,” Damien said so quietly that, if it weren’t for Hakan’s werewolf senses, he might not have picked it up. Damien heard Hakan take a deep breath and felt guilt curdle inside him. “Sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“No, I-I understand what you’re saying and…maybe I’ve been…overdoing it. It’s just. Damien. You are one of the…I can’t even, I don’t have the words to describe how strong I think you are. But…and it’s not fair, the way I treat you, maybe. You’re right. It’s not a reflection of what I really think about you, and if I’m making you feel that way, I’m so sorry. I just…when I. When I found you in the forest. That time, with the pills.”
Damien squeezed his eyes shut. Was he ever going to escape that?
“No, Damien, I-I don’t know how to put this into words. Because there is no way in hell you should feel guilty about that. You reacted to a situation that you were put in, but I can’t forget it. The way you smelt…God. I thought. I thought for sure you’d…there in mom’s arms I thought…and when they took you away in the ambulance…
“That wasn’t you. As in, it was the situation, it, it, you—no one, no one deserves what you went through. Jesus, you were thirteen! Or fourteen, just. And…every time, now. It’s not that I think that you’ll break. I know you won’t. You didn’t then, and you won’t now. But I still, I still…I react. I want to just, I don’t want you to feel that way again. Not because it’ll end in the same situation but because you just…you shouldn’t take anymore.
“And I get that that’s crazy. I get that. You’ve got to, tolive. And part of life is feeling like shit but I…I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better. Give me a chance, okay? I know you can take it. I don’t want you to, but I know that you can. You’re strong. It’smewho can’t take it and…I’ll do better. Tell me, when I’m stepping over the line. I’ll do better.”
Damien’s head filled up with Hakan’s words. With the desperate plea in them. The truth they resonated with. They shook something loose inside Damien. Something old and crusted with grime. It fell to join the dirt.
Damien turned to look at him. Hakan’s expression was open, unguarded.
“Thank you,” Damien said softly. Not only for his promises but for having the instinct to protect Damien in the first place. It came out in ways that were stifling, but Damien had been without for long enough to see the value in having someone care about him that much.
Damien shifted forwards. Hakan wrapped him in his arms immediately, pulling him close. They collapsed on the couch, noses buried in each other’s necks.
**********
“It’s not that I think I deserved what happened,” Damien said, looking away from Mandy. “It’s just that I don’t think I should feelsobad about it. There are people who have it so much worse. At least they weren’t my parents. And it was for less than two years. I just think…I don’t know. It’s been years. Maybe I should just be over it by now.”
“Okay,” Mandy said. “That seems like a particular point of view you have on the situation. What if we stepped away from it a bit? What if the exact same situation happened to someone you cared about? Say, the friend that suggested you go to therapy?”
“It’s not the same.”
“Okay. What makes those two situations different?”
“I don’t know,” Damien huffed.
“It’s a difficult question to answer. Take a moment. Something is telling you those situations are not the same. What differs them?”
There was a pause. It stretched. Damien forced himself to answer. “Because he’s good. He’s…good. And I’m…”
