Page 71 of Sicken of the Calm
We collapse onto the bed in parts– knees, elbows, backs – until he’s straddling me, my feet flat on the bed andknees lifted behind his back. We kiss, and kiss and kiss, and it’s like it’snever enough, even as it’s filling me to my brim. Our hands are everywhere, notsearching, but tracing what they’ve already found a million times over, and wejust let it go on for a while, swimming in the trenches of us.
When Ezra pulls away, his facelooks kissed all over, lips bruised and eyes half-lidded and effulgent. When hemoves off me slightly to get the lube I follow him, draping over his stretchedback as he searches the drawer, kissing his shoulders and his nape. I have noidea what he smells of but I recognize the scent and want to keep it in my bed,on my skin and clothes, until it’s so intimate I can’t smell it anymore. Ezralaughs a little at the affection, but I am unrepentant and unembarrassed.There’s nothing to be scared of now.
When we settle back, I’m a littlesurprised when he straddles my middle again, having guessed he would have movedlower for easier access. He kisses me deeply, the kind of kiss that is meant toleave me dizzy and wanting, and when he pulls back there’s a little mischievoustilt to his mouth. Conditioned, my body feels arousal instead of alarm. I watchas he drips some lube onto two fingers and then, to my surprise, reaches behindand under himself. I feel my mouth open as he looks at me, and then I get tosee his expression shift from a smirk to something more inward as he slips afinger inside himself. I grip his thighs and he bites his lip. It’s such asight, the flush on his cheeks and glow in the black of his eyes. I feel awedand idiotic for my surprise. Another stupid assumption in the long list ofthem, especially since he had alluded to liking being penetrated in our initialkink talk.
I feel the thighs under my handsshift as he bounces a little on his finger, and it takes him no time at all,far less than he would take on me, to slip the second one in. This isaccompanied by a little noise, with Ezra closing his eyes and tilting his headback, savouring the stretch. My hands on him tighten. He continues fuckinghimself slowly, waves of his hips up and down, and I can see the exact momenthe must brush his prostate because he makes another small sound, the flush onhis skin travelling down to his collarbone. His cock is red and leaking onto myabs and I want him so much it’s like a force that is meant to be out in theuniverse, moving planets and creating stars.
“Can I,” I say, fumbling for thelube, and he just looks at me with all that glittering darkness in his eyes. Icoat my fingers and he stops his movements as my hand reaches under him.Slowly, carefully, I slip inside one of my thicker fingers along with his owntwo. He lets out a rush of breath and I can feel a shiver go through him. He’sso warm and tight, and when he starts moving, he hangs his head as if hedoesn’t have the strength to keep it up, moaning deep in his throat. I want tolook at our fingers fuck in and out of his hole, but it’s not worth giving up thissight, and we have time.
We have time.
I rub a soothing hand over histhigh, over his hips and his side, and when it brushes lightly over his cock hejerks slightly with his whole body.
“Ok,” he says and lifts, not intomy hand but away from the one inside him as he slips his other fingers out. Idon’t have time to protest before he’s grabbing the lube again. He looks at meas he kneels all the way up and leans back so that he can coat my dick in lube.I’m already fully hard, the sight of him enough by far to get me there amillion times over. I shudder at the feel of his hand and the knowledge ofwhat’s about to come.
I support him with my hands atthe back of his thighs as he positions himself. I feel the head of my dickbrush his hole and can’t help but squeeze his thighs slightly. He smiles at medespite his bottom lip being caught in his teeth, and then he lowers himselfdown. That tight heat swallows the head of my dick and I let out a burst ofbreath. I can’t keep my eyes off Ezra’s face as his gaze becomes a little lostwithin himself. I can practically see his focus shift from me to the sensationsof his own body. He lowers himself slowly, inch by excruciating inch, and bythe time he’s seated on me completely, we’re both breathing a little harshly.
It feels so good, my bodystraining with the stillness, but it doesn’t seriously cross my mind to thrustup. I can tell Ezra is in discomfort. His dick has flagged a little and I wrapmy hand around it, spreading the slight precum that remains from when we werefingering him. His red mouth opens at the sensation, a low moan falling out,and he starts moving his hips slightly, moving up and down in increments,stretching himself on my cock. He’s completely lost to sensation, and I wonderif this is what Ezra sees in me when he takes me to the edge again and againand again in a single night.
If that’s the case, it’s nowonder that he’s as addicted to is as he seems to be.
I can tell when the pain has lostits edge as Ezra moves my hand from his dick and starts moving up and down moresharply.
“Move,” he says. I don’t need anyfurther encouragement, grabbing the back of his thighs again and thrusting intohim in counterpoint. We both moan, and he collapses forward for a kiss, wet andopen-mouthed, filled with noise and breath. When he pulls away, he leaves ahand around my neck, and we fuck each other like that, watching each other, hishand feeling every noise and breath even before I make them.
As I look at him, his flushedskin and messy hair and that look in his eyes, I realize – this is mine tokeep. For as long as I am allowed to have it, for as long as I take care of itas I should, this is mine. It’s not a certainty, nothing is, but now I have thepossibility, the opportunity of having Ezra with me, always. To walk on thispath together, wherever it may take us. I’ll get to see his sleepy eyes in themorning and contented ones at night. Will share in his every victory, and bewith him in every loss. Will meet his parents, and keep him safe in the dark.We’ll live together, and fight, and say bitter things before we put all thelessons we still have to learn to use, and come together again. I’ll get to seehim grow, get to share all the amazing things I know he is capable of. And oneday, I’ll build us a house, and it’ll be another glowing, safe place, simplybecause I share it with him.
I take a deep breath, feeling hishand around my neck. There’s something inside me that has opened completely,that is filling me with a rush like I’ve never felt before. Happiness, butdeeper, like I’ll feel a little bit of it forever if I look at the right placeinside me.
“Ezra,” I say, and reach up topull him in for a kiss that lasts forever, in some place, in one of thosealternate universes we’ve finally left behind.
I say his name again, biting itinto his lips, because I’m close, my muscles clenching, the heat rising. Heleans back and wraps a hand around his own dick, jerking himself off over me,moaning and tilting his head back. The sight is a lightning bolt. I don’t thinkwe’ve ever actually come together, but as his hips start stuttering in a lossof rhythm, his hand quickening, losing himself, I feel my own orgasm grow. Witha long, low moan he comes, his cum shooting over me, and my own orgasm hits mea second later, the pleasure ransacking me from the inside out.
Ezra slumps over me, my softeningcock still inside as he buries his face in my neck, breathing harshly. I cupthe back of his head, rubbing his scalp absentmindedly as I try to catch my ownbreath, our chests heaving against each other. My other arm wraps around him. Ifeel content and safe, covered in the turtle shell of him that makes my home.
When we finally untangle, I stophim from getting up.
“Me, this time,” I say as helooks at me in question. He rolls his eyes but consents, lying back down on thebed as I get the stuff and then clean us up. There’s something calming abouttaking care of Ezra after fucking him, and I let myself linger for a momentbefore putting all the stuff back.
When I return, we wrap aroundeach other so tightly it would take an unnatural force to keep us apart.
“We’re idiots,” he says into myskin. I smile into his skin because he’s right, but at this exact moment, Idon’t have it in me to regret anything that has lead me here.
And maybe that should be themoment that I tell him, tell myself, everything. It’s only later, though, as wewatch something on my laptop, that I let that feeling expand. I look at him,taking in the pieces of him as if I can’t quite bear the fullness of the whole.I look at the way the tip of his tongue presses against his right incisor whenhe smiles, the unguarded stretch of his neck, the open angles of his body,inviting, inviting, his restless fingers tapping the rhythm of some internalpulse, the safety of his skin, his bones. Each detail is a fold in the origamipiece of this person that sits beside me.
A feeling unfurls inside me,enormous. Delicate. Petal by petal it opens. The fragrance of it overtakes me,rushes through me like relief and fear at once. It gathers within me, theunfragmented scent of the night.
God,I think,God –
“I love you,” I tell him. It’s assimple as that.
We’re sitting side by side, andwhen Ezra turns to me he’s still got a smile on his face from the show we’re watchingas if he hasn’t quite heard what I’ve said. I watch the smile slip off hisface, his eyes widening, eyebrows rising. There’s a moment where the surpriseis suspended, and then the smile returns, brighter than I’ve ever seen it,taking over his whole face, the depth of his eyes.
“What?” he asks, and I smile withhim.
“I love you. I fucking love you,I-” but I’m cut off by his laugh being pressed against my lips.
“Me – I love you, I love you too,obviously,” he says, and kisses me, and we laugh into each other because in thehistory of man, there hasn’t been a more obvious revelation.
