Page 60 of Sicken of the Calm
We lay there for a while, my handin his hair, feeling grateful to be the one, for once, to be taking care ofhim.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The return to Fox Lake isunceremonious despite the clinging goodbye from my parents, and winter trudgeson until it’s closer to spring than fall. On top of the time Ezra spends in myapartment, it becomes customary for him to join me at least once a week when Igo over to cook at Iva’s. Ezra and her become thick as thieves, causing Moore andI to share commiserating, almost alarmed looks at times as they cackletogether. I can’t deny, however, the painful pleasure of watching Ezra becomean inextricable part of my life. A million times when we are alone together Iwant to bring up our relationship status. Want to call it into question, howthe title can be congruent with the amount of time spent doing things that gobeyond sexual exploration; the meals, the holding hands, the times we fallasleep together without even doing anything beforehand. We’ve crossed a hundredlines without talking about a single one of them, and I can’t help but feelthat it is in complete opposition to the open dialogue that we have around allthings sexual. The stubborn, wild horse of my fears, however, bucks underlogic, always racing to the same point – if Ezra wanted it, why hasn’t he saidanything? He’s the one who made the first proposition, who laid down the terms,who is frank and courageous where I am not. It can only leave me with theconclusion, despite all the evidence otherwise, that it is a lack of will,instead of ability, that keeps him silent. It is amazing how that little bit ofdoubt can fell the colossus of what it’s actually like to be with him.
Despite this, the truth is that,day-to-day, these doubts simply do not matter. They don’t cause awkwardness ordistance, and it is perhaps this lack of tangible consequence that breedsstagnation. Apart from those moments that suddenly pierce the mirage of what wedo together, my time spent with Ezra is mostly untroubled. Instead, it builds aconfidence in me that allows me to explore things that I wouldn’t have thoughtmyself capable of, searching for things to please Ezra, to make him soundbreathless and in awe.
It's nearing the end of February,and Ezra has made it clear with his usual teasing nonchalance that he hassomething planned for tonight. This time, however, I have been scheming too,going as far as purchasing something precisely for such an occasion.
I glance at my reflection in mybathroom mirror. My face is already flushed from having fingered myself open,my cock half-hard, although the butterflies in my stomach are tamping myarousal. I look down at the just washed and dried plug in my hands. It’s black,medium-sized and shaped for long-term use. Despite my nerves, my hands aresteady as I lube it up. I take a deep breath and lean my body slightly on thesink as I use one had to part one of my ass cheeks, the other reaching back,holding the now slippery plug. I go slowly, stretching out the fingers thataren’t gripping the plug to orient myself. After a few tries, its blunt headrubs against my rim, a teasing sensation that reminds me immediately of Ezra.Unbidden, the image of what he would look like if he were watching me now comesto mind, and I have to close my eyes for a moment, a wave of arousal hittingme. I let it pass through, warming me before I start pushing the plug in.Despite just having used my fingers, it’s a bit of a stretch, but there’sbarely an ache. I can feel my cock filling further as I press the plug in. An easy,wet slide, and it’s suddenly in. My hole clenches around the dip before theflared base, designed to keep it safely in place. I grip the basin in front ofme. The plug isn’t big enough to rub my prostate at this angle, but thefullness and feeling of it makes me bite my lip.
I take a few deep breaths,convincing myself not to touch my cock. Even the slightest shift of my bodybrings sensation, the plug feeling foreign and delicious inside me. I move alittle, trying to become accustomed to it. The pleasure is a slow burn, but ittests my resolve. I have to clench my jaw against the desire to forgo my plansand simply start fucking myself with it now. I know the wait will make theeventual payoff that much sweeter.
I wash my hands, avoiding myreflection this time, trying to gear myself up for the next stage in my plan,even more intimidating than the last. Ezra’s imagined reaction, however, isenough to assuage my fears. I dry my hands before leaving the bathroom and headingtoward the bed, grabbing my phone on the way. I can’t help but make a soft, crackednoise at the feel of the plug inside me as I walk.
I may have, once again, underestimatedthe sensations associated with anything I do with, or for, Ezra, but it’s notgoing to stop me now.
I kneel on the bed beforelowering my head and torso down to the mattress, leaving my ass in the air. Ibite my hand, pressing my face against the covers as the position heightens thefeeling of the plug inside me, seeming to press it even deeper. I take a deepbreath, taking a few more moments to get used to the pleasure that rollsthrough me. My cock is fully hard now and I don’t look forward to having toignore it until it goes down.
For a handful of seconds, Iwonder if I should postpone the reveal until Ezra is physically with me. If Ishould treat myself to the way his expression would shift, bringing forth thatdark intensity. The way his lips would part and eyes widen before focusing; thenoise he would make, what he would say, the way it would feel to have him partmy cheeks as if he couldn’t help himself, just to get a closer look. It’s apassing thought, however. Having him know all day, imagining him remembering atodd points in the day and having to keep still as he pictures it, his handsclenched in his lap, is an irresistible lure. I imagine him taking his phoneout and looking at the picture I’m about to send, feeling that same desperatewant that he has made me feel a hundred times.
It'll make the wait worth it.
With that in mind, I positionmyself awkwardly so that the side of my face is pressed against the bed as oneof my hands returns to parting my ass cheek, the other bending uncomfortably toposition the phone so it can get a clear shot of the plug’s base. The first fewtries go abysmally, blurred and badly centred. I try to breathe evenly as I tryagain, making my arm as steady as possible as I take various shots. When I untwistto look at them, the pictures make my face burn. They’re obscene, the lightbrown of my ass-cheeks framing the black base of the plug. One of the pictureseven manages to capture a glimpse of my balls and still-hard cock hangingbeyond my parted legs.
I have to close my eyes and laughincredulously at myself for a moment. If someone had told my sixteen-year-oldself I would be sending this picture to Ezra, of all people, I would haveprobably died right then and there.
I don’t allow myself to think muchabout it. I’ve already planned what caption to accompany the picture, and typea quickThinking of you, triple-checking the text is going to Ezrabefore sending it off. The moment it’s irretrievable, a rush of mortificationgoes through me.
“Oh my God,” I say to myself,rolling onto my back and burying my head in my hands. The movement, however,shifts and presses the plug inside me and I gasp, grinding down for a fewseconds before the pinging of a series of incoming texts interrupts me. Theadrenaline rush that hits me makes me freeze in place, heart racing. I can’thelp but snatch the phone up, however, opening up the text thread with shakinghands.
Ezra
holy shit
holy shit holy shit
im in class right now holy shit
joaquin
I look up at the texts, phoneheld above my face, and feel the stupid grin on my lips. I type out anunrepentantSorry, both of us aware that I know his schedule by now.
Ezra
fuck
fuckfuckfuck
did u put it in just now?
Me
Yeah. It’s for long-termuse.
Ezra
fuck
