Page 54 of Sicken of the Calm
The realization of my ownprejudices, although uncomfortable, helps me shake off some of mysocially-awkward trepidation and engage the man, Osiris, next to me inconversation. He’s older than me by about fifteen years or thereabouts, and hementions about his Egyptian background, which explains his darker skin andstriking, almost feline eyes.
I don’t know if I’m crossing anetiquette line, but I ask him about how he realized he was into BDSM, suddenlyvoracious for information. He laughs a little sheepishly at my question,looking down.
“Oh, well. That’s a horriblestory,” he says, and I feel my eyes widen. At the expression on my face, he startsshaking his head, laughing. “No, no, sorry! I was being hyperbolic. That was aterrible way of putting it, sorry. I mean horrible as in terribly cliché, in myopinion. Have you seen the movieSex, Lies and Videotape?” he asks, asmile hanging onto his lips. His warm, dark eyes look amused as I nod my headslowly.
“Uh, yeah. Though I don’tremember it being about BDSM,” I say.
“No, no, it isn’t. But, everytime someone asks me that question, that movie pops into my head. I mean, it’sa movie that makes an impact when you see it as a teenager – as an adult yourealize that all the characters are caricatures of themselves, and so is theplotline. I mean, the Frigid Woman vs. the Sexually Voracious Woman, theCheating Business Husband vs. the Free Spirit Pervert – what did CheatingHusband call him? Apostle of Truth? But, I don’t know, I hadn’t really seenanything like it, something that explored a more…unusual side of sexuality. Thewhole thing about repression, about wanting something that may not be exactlynormal…it got me thinking, I guess. I mean, I can’t tell you exactly how thatfilm made an impact, but I just know it did, you know?” he says.
I nod, surprised and pleased athis openness. The truth is, I hadn’t really thought consciously about thisside of myself before Ezra, and is that strange? Does that mean that it’s lessreal than Osiris’, than someone’s who has known, in some capacity, for most oftheir lives? I smile a little to myself. I can practically hear Iva’sdisapproving voice as she slams me out of those particular musings.
“Yeah, I get you. And, I mean, atleast you didn’t sayThe Secretary,” I joke, and he laughs.
“Actually…” He teases and I grinbecause, yeah. Maybe I’ve been hiding secrets even from myself.
“So, is that what you recommendfor budding, um…BDSM-ers? Sex, Lies, and Videotape?” I ask. He chuckles.
“Hell, no.”
“What would you recommend, then?For, like, a sub trying to find themselves?” I ask, more for curiosity’s sakethan personal interest. I have Ezra, after all.
“Well…I think that doing your ownresearch is important. Reading up on stuff but from good sources. The thing is,with so much information out there, and so much of it being free, it might beharder to find a good source than it may seem, and it’s a bit of a Catch-22,isn’t it? You have to know about the topic before you know if something’s a goodsource, but you need to know what’s a good source to know about the topic…In myexperience, having someone you trust help you through it can be a lot better –and more enjoyable,” he smirks. “If it’s someone experienced in the field, oran already established Dom/sub couple, all the better,” he suggests. I nodamicably, although I disagree with the last bit. Sometimes, it can be enjoyablediscovering something together, if you trust that person enough.
“Isn’t that a bit risky, though?Putting yourself in the hands of someone who thinks they know better than you?”I can’t help but ask. Osiris tilts his head to the side a little, considering.
“Well, isn’t entering into anyrelationship risky? I would say that this type of relationship could actuallybe less so, due to the importance of boundaries. I mean, of course there’s arisk of abuse, but I think that’s not inherent in BDSM, it’s inherent inrelationships themselves,” he says. I hum, nodding. I think about Ezra’s little“squeeze my hand to get out” rule, and his suggestion that any couple could usesomething like that. If the open communication needed within BDSM was extendedto all parts of a relationship, I can imagine how it would make it healthier.
I glance at Ezra, who’s alreadylooking at me, expression unreadable. I’m not sure open communication on mostparts of the relationship is something we’re actually doing.
By the time Ezra and I leave, I’mtired and energized at the same time. I haven’t traded numbers with anybody,but I wouldn’t be opposed to going to the meet-up again, or even becoming aregular member.
I’m so distracted by my ownthoughts that it’s only when Ezra and I reach my apartment that I realize howquiet he’s been the whole way back. I watch him as he takes off his coat andgloves, doing the same with mine. He seems subdued, eyes lost in thought. For amoment he seems unreachable, like I’m not remotely on his radar. The thought isdisquieting.
“What is it?” I ask. I can feelthe frown on my face as Ezra blinks a few times, as if surfacing from thedepths of his thoughts.
“What?”
“What is it? What’s wrong?” Iask. Ezra looks at me blankly for a moment, still catching up to theconversation, before shaking his head with a slight smile.
“Nothing, dude. I was justthinking,” he says. He passes me to flop into a sitting position in the middleof the bed, but he doesn’t touch me, not even a graze of his hand. I turn mybody to face him, frown deepening.
“I thought we were doing thewhole ‘open communication’ thing,” I say because, at least on the topic ofBDSM, that’s what we agreed to do. Ezra looks at me for a moment, startled,before laughing quietly.
“Wow, I can’t believe the tableshave been turned so thoroughly,” he says, but his smile sobers as I continue tolook at him. “It’s seriously nothing. I was just thinking about what that Dom wassaying.”
“Who?”
“Osiris.”
“Saying what?”
“About, you know, learning withan experienced Dom,” Ezra says, and it suddenly dawns on me what the issue is.
“Ezra,” I say, sitting on the bedwith him. “That’s his opinion, and maybe his experience, but that doesn’t meanit’s applicable to us. I mean, in theory, yeah, I can see how having anexperienced Dom can help you out, but that’s just if you want to learn aboutthat part of your life in isolation of others. If it’s just…I mean…” I trailoff for a moment. What I want to say is that, for me, the whole Dom/sub thingis simply part of my relationship with Ezra, growing organically from the richearth of us. But I realize now that this is in complete contradiction to theagreement we made at the start of this whole thing – to explore this dynamicwithout commitment. If that were really the case, maybe having an experienced Domwouldbe beneficial, but the whole idea of exploring this with someone Idon’t trust like I do Ezra is almost repulsive.
“What I mean is,” I go on, tryingto find the words without giving myself away, “That I don’t want totrainto be a submissive. I want to, like, explore this as part of a relationship –and we’re friends, right? I mean, doyouwant to invite a-”
“No,” Ezra cuts me off. I nod.
