Page 68 of Sicken of the Calm
“I’m just going to get the lube,baby. Would you like that?” he asks. Yes and no, but I nod my head, thebenefits outweighing the fears. Despite the panic, I’m hard and aching, my bodystill a wanting more.
“I have to let go of you for afew seconds. I’ll hum so you know I’m here,” he says, and I want to say,ofcourse I know you’re here, of course I know you wouldn’t leave, but I’ve learnedthis lesson a million times over; sometimes, what you feel trumps what youknow.
“Ok,” I say. He kisses me softlyagain, from my forehead, across the bridge of my nose, to my lips. I’m smilingby the time he reaches my mouth, and I feel his returned expression against me.
I wasn’t aware that humming couldbe off-key, but Ezra’s is, and I have to bury my grin in the sheets. Instead ofthe jolting emptiness his last departure wrought, this one is filled with thesort of affection that I simply can’t deny anymore.
When he returns, he brushes ahand across my back, threading his fingers through my hair.
“Good?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I say in a contentedsigh.
Ezra gets me on my knees, my facepressed against the sheets as I lean on my forearms, wrists bound in front ofme. I hear the lid of the lube open before feeling the rub of two of hisfingers against my hole. Just like that, all the arousal that had beendistracted away comes roaring back, and I squeeze my eyes shut, tilting my assback to get more. His other hand comes to grip my hip, but he acquiesces,slipping two wet fingers inside me. I’m expecting him to go as slowly as heusually does at this point, but he starts fucking me intently with his fingersinstead, pausing only to rub against my prostate. I moan out his name, notknowing if I want more or if it’s too much. It’s not long before he’s adding alittle more lube and thrusting a third finger in, twisting and stretching themslightly, increasing the burn and the ache and the want. He leans forward, thehand not inside me pinching one of my nipples tightly. It isn’t a teasingtouch, but ruthless and sudden, and it has me bucking against his fingers andcrying out, the pain hurtling me forward, making me desperate and begging.
When he finally releases mynipple and slips his fingers out of me, I can barely think straight, knowingonly that I want more. I pant in anticipation as I hear the lube again. My sheetsmust be suffering because when his hand come to hold my hip, it’s mostly dry.The other must be guiding his cock, the head of it sliding against my hole, andthen suddenly he thrusts in, one long push that punches the breath out of me.The aching pain is a rolling wave that I can feel across every bit ofsubjugated skin.
He stops for a moment, timesuspended. I can hear him breathe. I feel him deep inside me, around me, andwhen he starts fucking me, everything else is swallowed up. He’s thrusting intome hard and relentlessly, and my awareness is reduced to the vast pinprick ofthis, of Ezra, of the pleasure that builds and builds with every drag across myprostate. When he reaches around and starts jerking me off, I feel like I can’ttake any more. Every inch of my body has been ransacked and conquered, thepleasure dragged on and on until I’ve lost hold of all my other senses.
“Ezra,” I cry out.
“Come, come for me,” I hear theearth say, and I do, an earthquake through the forests and the valleys and thehills. Ezra is still fucking into me until he drapes over me, biting into myshoulders as he comes too. The sensation just drags mine forward, until we’reboth trembling and gasping, melted together.
My knees give and we fall on thebed, although Ezra is careful not to land completely on me. I make a littlenoise as he slips out, and he soothes me across my sweaty skin with hands andlips. Instead of settling, he goes straight to untying me, rubbing and kissingslightly raw wrists before lying beside me. I bend my slightly aching armscarefully in front me as I lay on my side, and then use my hands to pull Ezracloser, feeling my aching muscles stretch as I wrap around him.
I still have the blindfold on, I realisebut don’t say anything as Ezra kisses me deeply, running his hands across myhair and face. I still feel him across my body, inside me, like he’s nevergoing to leave, and it calms me deep inside.
We lay quiet and close for awhile before I feel him shift, and then his fingers trail across the edge ofthe blindfold.
“I’m gonna take this off, ok?” hesays quietly, and I nod. Slowly, he unties the knot at the side of my head andthen starts unwrapping me slowly. “Keep your eyes closed,” he warns, and I do,watching as the darkness becomes translucent and warm.
When the blindfold is completelyremoved, I settle my head back on the pillow, feeling Ezra trace the previouslycovered skin around my eyes, as if making sure I’m all in one piece. He kissesme between the eyes and, as if given permission, they flutter open. The lightis low enough that it’s not really blinding, but I still have to blink a fewtimes to get my bearings. Regaining my sight after such a long while filledwith sensation and without light has me a little disoriented. I focus on Ezra’sface, watchful and calm, and it somehow feels more intimate and vulnerable thanwhen the blindfold was put on. I feel like my forced sight is exposing me inturn and I close my eyes, burying myself in Ezra’s neck. He holds me close,running his hands over my skin and my hair, murmuring nothings into thestrands.
“Ezra,” I say, suddenly a littleoverwhelmed by the affection and the doubt, by my sudden inability to hide.
He holds me tight until all I canfeel is him. I hold my breath. Hold. I’m just waiting for the tunnel to breakso I can meet the sky above.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I thought that when everythingcame to a head it would happen in the safety of my apartment, where Ezra and Iseem to exist the most. When it does, however, it’s out in the unguarded open.
Those aching moments ofvulnerability, in which I feel the instability of the foundation Ezra and I arebuilding our relationship on, keep stacking up. They seep into the raw momentsafter sex, leaving me clinging to something I’m not sure is there. Ezra, too,seems to change, becoming a little more distant when we’re not in bed.Sometimes, I catch him looking lost in thought, staring at the bed unseeingly,as if it’s the source of all his problems, even though they seem to fade awaythe moment we fall upon it.
Spring is already here when thebedrock under us finally crumbles. Of course, it’s something small that does itin the end, the final drop that overflows the cup. I’m standing betweenuniversity buildings, the sun reawakened to meet the changing of seasons,making the green of the grass around me bright with promise. I’m chatting withsome of my football teammates, discussing the changing schedule now that thegames leading up to summer are starting, when I spot Ezra walking nearby. Iturn to him immediately and smile. I know he sees me because he nods back,clutching at the straps of his backpack, but he doesn’t approach, turning awaywithout a word or barely an expression. My own face falls into a frown. Helooks like he’s about to just walk away when I say a hasty goodbye to myteammates and chase after him. I call his name and he stops, but he doesn’tturn around, and I have to circle him just to see his face. He looks at me witha strained smile, and my face doesn’t shift from its frown.
“I have class,” he saysimmediately, and my expression only deepens.
“Ok…”
“Sorry,” he says, looking away.
“Are you ok?” I ask, and he nodshis head, shrugging.
“Yeah, ‘course,” he saysunconvincingly, and his eyes dart to my teammates as they walk by, shoutinggoodbyes at me. I wave as they pass before looking back at Ezra. The skinaround his eyes is tight, the edges of his lips unhappy.
“Are they giving you trouble?” Iask, and it takes me to another time, back to our hometown, when I barely knewhim. His expression changes at my question, and he huffs out a laugh.
“No, no,” he says, waving me off,leaving me frustrated and relieved at once.
