Page 52 of Sicken of the Calm
“Amen to that,” she says,ignoring my sarcasm. “Talking about sex lives, how’s yours?” she smirks. I giveher a look. “Oh, come on! That was a totally legit sequitur,” she says. I rollmy eyes before looking at the bed between us.
“Good,” I say a little awkwardly.
“Just good?”
“…Really good,” I say, and I lookup to see her grinning from ear to ear.
“I can tell,” she says. I look ather questioningly and she raises an eyebrow. I laugh softly.
“I don’t know…I feel likeI’m…like, for the first time since I got to Fox Lake, I feel like I’m actuallychanging,you know? I feel like I’m a different person, sometimes,” I say, but I’m metwith a moment of silence, Iva looking at me pensively.
“I get what you’re saying, but Idon’t think you’re changing as much as you think you are, or that you’re adifferent person at all,” Iva says. I frown, not knowing how to feel aboutthat. “What I mean is, like, this is what people mean when they sayrealityis stranger than fiction. Like, everybody wants to believe there’s a lotmore consistency within people than there is, and it just turns into aself-fulfilling prophecy because you, like, start defining yourself accordingto the script of that characteristic and, ironically, start using it as proofthat thatisyou, when, actually, how you act is more dependent on thesituation than you would ever think. That’s why when shit happens like the, Idunno, the Milgram experiment, everybody’s like whaaat,Iwould never,but you would! If you had been reared in that environment, in that situation,you would.”
“So, you’re saying that no one isan individual? And never-evolving? That everything we do is dependent on thesituation? I call bullshit. You think everybody would let themselves be tied tothe bed ass up and be fucked until they can’t take it anymore?” I say,viscerally opposed to what Iva’s saying. Iva gapes at me.
“Ok…first of all…I am such aproud mama right now.”
“Shut up.”
“Secondly, no, I’m not exactlysaying that. Yes, ok, due to genes and rearing experience and culture and blahblah blah each person has a technically unique, like, personality. But, whatI’m saying is that, that personality is a lot more inconsistent than peoplethink. Like, what we do, our behaviour and shit, is a lot more influenced byexternal shit, like the situation or whatever, than internal shit. Yeah,personality offers a certain spectrum. Like I would never willingly, I don’tknow, cheat on someone, but there are certain things that I would do that wouldsurprise me if I just went off, ‘I am X, Y, and Z personality traits and I willact accordingly’.
“You’ve defined yourself asintroverted or whatever because so much of your time is spent uncomfortable inforced social situations like school, or thinking about having to deal withsocial situation, and you think, ok, being introverted means being quiet andawkward and blah blah blah but actually when you’re with me, you aren’t likethat at all! So, if personality were that ingrained, that inevitable, then itwouldn’t changethatdrastically according to who you’re with. And I swearto God, every introverted or shy or awkward or whatever person I know is likethat. So yes, compared to what we would call an extroverted person you arequiet inmoresituations, and get more easily socially exhausted, but itdoesn’t mean that’s just who youare, all the time, everywhere. It’s,like, about finding the people and situations that will help you be the personthat you wanna be instead of sitting in a room alone trying to change throughnothing but, like, the power of the mind. Yeah, sure, how we think ofsituations affect how we behave in them but, honestly, we have to actually putourselves in those situations to do that. So, like, I don’t think Ezra makesyou different from who youare, it’s just that, he, like…gets the bestout of you,” she says.
I chew on what she’s said,picking at the duvet cover. I feel like a lot of my life has been about mydesire for change whilst I cling to the shield ofintrovert. And I don’tthink Iva’s saying that I’mnotan introvert, but that maybe I’ve builtthe trait up in my mind as this perfect excuse for stagnation. It’s notdissimilar, I think, to the way I had assumed Ezra’s confidence ran a lotdeeper.
“But I’m not only different whenI’m with him,” I say nevertheless, not knowing if I want to be proven right orwrong.
“Yeah, but that’s justconfidence. When you’re with Ezra you, like, prove to yourself that the box youput yourself in isn’t actually real, so it’s easier to break away from thatself- fulfilling prophecy, which is exactly what I’ve been saying! God, it'samazing how right I am all the time,” Iva crows. I laugh.
“And humble.”
“And witty.”
“And beautiful.”
“And my pussy is tight as fuck,”she says, laughing.
“So is mine,” I choke, and welaugh harder.
When we’ve calmed down, she looksat me with a gentle smile. “I don’t think you’ve changed, as in who you are,but you’re a lot more…open,” she says. For some reason, I feel a tighteninginside. The feeling isn’t even unpleasant – it’s protective, a side-effect ofthose Egyptian waters Iva was talking about weeks ago.
“More open, how?” I can’t helpbut ask.
“I don’t know how to put it intowords. You’re just…” She trails off, but lifts her hand to press her fingerssoftly to my chest. I catch her hand and hold it as we look at each other.
Somehow, I know exactly what shemeans.
**********
“So, I’ve been chatting on a BDSMforum,” Ezra says one day, dropping it out of the blue. I pause the show we’rewatching, half-reclined on the bed with the laptop on a legged trayhalf-between, half-over us.
“Ok…” I say slowly, turning tolook at him.
“It’s just a local thing. Like, acommunity thing, not like, it’s not for, you know, scouting for-”
“I get it,” I say, putting himout of his misery. “It’s not for hooking up.”
“Yeah. I mean, there may be someof that happening but not, like, on the actual – anyway! I went on it to just…Idon’t know, make sure I was doing shit right and everything. Get some ideas. Anyway,the people there are, like, really nice. Like, I kind of expected – I don’t know,but they’re nice. I thought, maybe, we could…” He fidgets with his fingers fora moment. “Go meet them?” he asks tentatively. “It’s totally casual, they meetup in a café. Sounds more like a hang-out than anything, you know? But, yeah,it might be interesting to drop by.”
