Page 46 of Sicken of the Calm
“We – we are. I just…didn’t wantyou to be embarrassed,” Ezra says quietly. I look up at him, feeling sick.
“You’re embarrassed by-”
“No.No. I didn’t wantyouto be-”
“Why the hell would I beembarrassed? That makes no sense, Ezra,” I say, feeling like pulling my hairout. I can’t follow his thinking. What about our interactions had leant to theidea that I’m embarrassed about him? Granted, the vast majority of ourinteractions have been behind the closed door of my apartment, but that was amutual agreement that came hand-in-hand with our status of ‘not boyfriends’.
“I don’t know. I just – they’reyour football friends,” he says, and a familiar bolt of guilt hits me because –yeah. These are the same fears that had made me glad to see Iva by his side,only in reverse. “I didn’t…I mean obviously I’mhereso I knewthey’d…Fuck, I don’t know. This is all Iva’s fault,” he says, running the handnot holdings his drink through his hair.
“Why Iva’s?” I ask.
“She’s the one that convinced meto come. She said…God, I don’t know. I seriously just don’t know,” he says,agitated. Fed up, I take his drink from his hand and place it along with mineon the floor before taking hold of his forearms. We’re almost the same height,despite me being considerably broader than him, and he stares right back.
“Do you want to be here?” I askhim frankly. His eyebrows tick downward.
“I…”
“Let me clarify. I want you here.I’m happy you came. Thank you for coming. Do you want to be here?” I say,irritated into boldness by whatever miscommunication has brought us here. I’mrewarded by Ezra’s expression clearing slightly.
“Yeah. I want to be here.”
“Ok. Do you mind people knowingwe’re friends, or even that we’re sleeping together?”
“No.”
“I don’t either, no matter who itis,” I assert. Ezra nods, but there’s something lingering in his expression, anold and rusted doubt. I don’t have the words to argue him out of it, so I leanforward, kissing him. For a moment, he tenses up in my hands, but the nextsecond he’s kissing me back, taking control of the kiss with a hand at my nape.He opens his mouth and licks inside mine, pressing a little closer. I hum inpleasure, forgetting, for a moment, the world outside.
When we part, his lips are wetand a little red, and the glow is back in his eyes. I have the insane urge tocrush him against me in relief. I don’t want to see that hurt dim hisexpression ever again.
“Right, well…ok,” I sayawkwardly. He laughs softly and I can’t help but smile back. I turn to retrieveour drinks, but they’ve been tipped over. “You go back to Iva, I’ll get usdrinks,” I say, giving his wrist a squeeze.
“I can go with,” he offers.
“I’d rather you get the brunt ofher questions and raised fleek-eyebrow looks,” I say truthfully. He laughs.
“First of all, congratulations onalmost using the word ‘fleek’ correctly, Grandpa.”
“Fuck off.”
“Secondly, you’ll just pay forthat later when she catches you alone and corners you.”
“That’s a problem for future me,”I say, causing him to laugh and shake his head.
“It’s your funeral,” he says,heading back into the crowd with a wink. I walk in the opposite direction,finding the long tables with a buffet of drinks pressed against the side of thehouse.
“Dude!” A voice says, the onlywarning before someone is drunkenly slapping me on the back, making the drink Iwas trying to fix slosh over my hand. I try not to glare at Mikey, a wide-receiverI know only as much as I know anybody on the team. Not that he would havenoticed – the guy is sloshed.
“Did I just see you kissEzra?”he says incredulously. I set the drink I was making down. I already know I’mnot going to like where this conversation is about to go.
“Is that going to be a problem,”I say coldly, turning toward him. We’re right at the end of the drinks table,tucked against the house.
Mikey holds up his hands as ifI’m shooting him. “Woah, man, don’t get your panties in a twist, I didn’t meanit like that. I’m all for equality and whatever,” he says. I manage not to rollmy eyes, fearing they’d pop right out of my head if I do. “But, dude,Ezra?If you’re gonna be packing fudge, do it with better smelling fudge than that –that ass goes around like a carou-”
Before I know what I’m doing, myhand is fisted in the middle of his shirt and I’m slamming him against the sideof the house, hard. Mikey grunts as the air is knocked out of him, swearing asthe back of his head hits the plaster. The anger inside me is cold and focused.As quiet as I normally am with people I don’t particularly know, I feel I couldkill Mikey right this second.
“Listen to me very carefully, youuseless piece of shit,” I say lowly, digging my knuckles into his chest. Idon’t know if he’s that drunk or if he’s just surprised, but Mikey just gapesat me like he’s never seen me before. “I honestly don’t give a fuck what aninconsequential waste of space like you thinks of ‘equality or whatever’, butif I ever see you evenmouthEzra’s name again, I’m going to knock allyour goddamn teeth out. Do you understand what I’m saying?” I say, staring intohis eyes like I’m a moment away from doing exactly that. Mikey just blinks atme.
“Nod,” I order, and he does, lookingdazed. “Good,” I say releasing him with a final shove. I turn my back on him,gritting my teeth as I slowly finish making the drink. Without another glance,I leave Mikey slumped against the wall, not giving a shit what backlash theremay be when he sobers up.
