Page 24 of Sicken of the Calm
“Yes,” I say breathlessly.
“Do you do this? Do you likefingering yourself when you jerk off?” His words, said in that tone, send awave of arousal through me.
“I, not really. Not often,” Isay, and it feels like a confession.
“Why?” he says, and his tone issimple, unjudgmental.
“I don’t…I don’t know, I just.”There’s something always holding me back, but I wouldn’t be able to name iteven to myself. “I don’t know.”
“Has anybody ever done it foryou? Fingered you? You don’t have to tell me.” He says the last bit quickly,revealing that this is clearly more than just dirty talk.
“No. No one.” I’ve just been withtwo guys – passing, buzzed encounters, hand-jobs and a blowjob. I’m probablycompletely inexperienced compared to Ezra, but that is one thing I definitelydon’t have any insecurities in. Iva would kill me if I even suggested someoneshould be judged by their sexual experience or lack thereof.
Ezra just hums in response, buthe sounds pleased.
“You like that?” I ask, soundingmore inquiring that dirty.
“Yes,” Ezra answers simply.
“Why?” I ask, honestly wanting toknow.
“Because I’ll get to watch yourface the first time that someone else is inside you,” he replies. I close myeyes because – fuck.
“Let’s do a little trial run, hm?Get your fingers wet for me,” Ezra orders. Instinctively, I put them in mymouth, muffling my moan around them.
“What – fuck. I meant…never mind.That’s good,” he says, sounding a little strained. “Push them against yourtongue. How many do you have in there?”
“Three,” I say, before puttingthem in again.
“Yeah,” he grunts. “Ok, I’m gonnalose it if we don’t – rub your rim again, just the middle finger.”
It feels a little weird when I doit, the wetness making it seem like it’s not my finger, like it might besomething else, and the thought makes me ache. I’m so hard it hurts and Ihaven’t even touched my dick.
“Now, slide it in. Nice and slow.Push out slightly as you slide the finger in.”
The first time I ever fingeredmyself, when I was sixteen, I stupidly assumed that it would feel like aperfectly straight channel, like sticking your finger in a cylinder or afinger-trap, but it’s not like that at all. The flesh gives way, and there arechanges in, not texture, exactly, but almost shape, the further you go in. Iexpected it to be dry, too, and, although it is by no means wet, the warmth ofit gives the strong illusion of a soft moisture that keeps the friction frombeing too much, especially if you go slow like I’m doing now. To me, there’salways a difference in sensation between going in and pulling out; a pressurethat isn’t an ache with only a finger when I go in, and a burn that isn’t badenough to be called a burn on the way out.
I realize now that the problemI’ve had is that, when I’m alone, I’ve always tried fingering myself at thestart of jerking off, instead of when I’m fully turned-on. I’d always expectedit to be this magic button that gets switched on the moment something’s in myass. The reality is that sliding a finger in and out of my ass like I’m doingnow isn’t pleasurable like stroking my dick is pleasurable – it’s not immediaterecompense that can get you from start to finish. Especially without hitting myprostate, it’s auxiliary pleasure; kindle instead of the match.
Now, with my dick already fullyhard, with Ezra in my ear, this one finger makes me groan in pleasure. To havesomething inside me because Ezra told me to. To have it pumping in and out,just like his cock would as he looked at my face, saying-
“Good, baby, you’re doing sogood. Lube it up, now.”
I fumble for the lube and squeezeway too much onto my fingers. It drips on my dick and, Jesus Christ, I almostbreak the cardinal rule and touch myself. I take a deep breath, capping thelube and putting it aside.
“I-”
“Good. Slide one finger in, justlike before. Go slow.”
The wetness is an altogetherdifferent sensation. It’s a little cold first, but it warms up in seconds.
“You ready to add two fingers?”Ezra asks. He must be getting impatient.
“Yes,” I grunt.
“Do it. Go slow.”
I press my fingers together andthen in. With the thickness of my fingers, this is a definite stretch, an achewithout the ache, a burn without the burn.
