Page 20 of Sicken of the Calm
“Yes you are, but – you’re lucky,Joaquin.”
“Lucky,” I say flatly, but she’snodding.
“Yeah, yes,lucky.Joaquin,we’re all steered by things we like and don’t like. People spend a whole hellof a lot of time trying to convince themselves that they like something they don’tand that they don’t like something they do. I mean, sexuality is a good examplebut it can be as simple as taste in music or…anything. What I’m saying is,telling yourself that you don’t like what you do, as long as it’s, you know,consensual and shit, is gonna eat you from the inside out.” She looks at meimploringly. I nod, sighing, and she smiles. We both know it’s not as simple asthat, but it’s a start.
“And on top of that,” Iva goeson, “It’s Ezra, of all people.Ezra,”she laughs incredulously. I frown.
“What does that mean?”
“Joaquin, come on,” she says.There’s a long pause punctuated by the roll of her eyes. “Madre mía, do you getall your water from a river in Egypt? Never mind. Just enjoy it, the wholekinky orgasm denial, threesome – which we are totally talking about by the way,what the fuck? – sex extravaganza,” Iva smirks. I shake my head. When I look upagain, her expression has turned serious.
“Joaquin, are you sure it’s justthe whole kink thing that’s got you in knots or is it…I think you need to talkto Ezra – no, don’t start, I know you hate that but…J, you couldn’t even answerif you were fuck buddies or what, so. Talk to him. I mean, are you evenexclusive?” she asks, and a jolt goes through me. Her expression softens. Ilook away. “Yeah – you need to talk about it. Promise me?” she says, far fromthe first time she’s asked me to promise something I’ve had to follow throughon. I pause but nod. She’s right. Denial can only get me so far. There’s amoment of noise-filled silence.
“Ok…so, about that threesome.”
“Iva…”
“Joaquin…” She’s smirking and Ishake my head at her.
Iva called me lucky and, as Ilook at her, the bright interest in her eyes, the ringing bell of her concern,that’s exactly what I feel.
CHAPTER FOUR
The days pass with their usualrhythm. Class, football, hanging out with Moore and Iva. In football practice,Coach pulls Moore aside and when he comes back he actually looks pleased.
“You killing it?” I grin.
“I’m killing it,” he replies,meeting my high five. Moore’s going places, there’s no doubt about that.
In between all that, keeping intime with the beat, is Ezra. We text every day, mostly him sending me picturesand memes that make me snort and smile like an idiot, but we chat often. Aboutwhat, I wouldn’t be able to even say. Despite the ease of our conversation, thepromise I made to Iva is at the back of my mind, and I’m going to keep it, justnot yet.
It’s all casual, and it feelsdeliberate on Ezra’s end. But there are significant exceptions to the norm.
Ezra
I was thinking about you last night
It’s late, and I’m on my bed, my laptop on my stomach and myphone in my hands. I feel an instantaneous rush at his text.
Me
Oh?
Ezra
about that day in your room when you came in my hand
I wish I’d taken a picture. you wouldnt believe the way youlooked, all fucked out and
There’s a little pause
Ezra
shit, Im getting hard just thinking about it now
Fuck. I close the laptop, resting it beside me on the bed.
Ezra
