Page 42 of Up In Flames
I shrugged a shoulder. “I mean… I didn’t want you to think that you were just an experiment. But I also came out for me.” Leaning against the back of the couch, I shut my eyes, but I could still feel Will’s gaze on me. He squeezed my hand, and I squeezed his back.
For a few minutes, we sat like that. Me gathering my thoughts, and Will content to sit and watch me. Eventually I felt him relax next to me.
“The accident took my friends from me, but it also took a chunk of me with them. For months after, I didn’t know who I was anymore. It sounds dumb, I know.”
“It doesn’t.” His voice was soft and full of understanding. “I watch people walk away from all kinds of shit, Oren. It’s normal for events to change you.”
“I don’t know if it changed me or just showed me that I didn’t really know who I was if I wasn’t fulfilling specific roles. No longer a student. No longer one part of a three-part friend group.” I exhaled a deep breath. “I wanted to come out because I want to own all the pieces of myself. I don’t want to deny things that are important to me or about me.”
“You’re braver than I am.”
I leaned close to Will and put my head on his shoulder. Now that I’d come, my energy was flagging, and more than anything I wanted to curl up in his arms and have a nice long nap.
“You run into burning buildings, Will. You’re not exactly a shrinking violet. And it takes a lot of strength to stay in the closet. I came out because I’m too tired to keep myself hidden away. Most days, I still feel like I’m barely getting by.”
“You really don’t care that I’m not out? Even after I made a big deal about you being straight?”
“You’re allowed to have concerns. And so am I. But I’m not worried about you being in the closet. You’ll come out when you’re ready and if that’s never, then that’s okay too.”
Will’s thumb started to move. Back and forth against mine in rhythmic movements.
“I’ve never had a boyfriend before,” he said. His thumb kept stroking my skin, but the tension in him was obvious in the rigid way he held himself.
“Well, that makes two of us.” My heart thrashed around in my chest. It would flail if it could. “Is that what you want us to be?”
I couldn’t make myself look at him in case I’d misread the intention behind his statement.
“Would it be unfair of me to say yes?”
“I think it would be unfair of you to say no if you didn’t mean it and deprive me of the opportunity to make my own decision about it.”
Will laughed and the tension bled out of him. He turned to look at me, a smile tugging at one side of his mouth. “Spoken like a true lawyer.”
“If you want to be with me, I want to be with you. I don’t care that you’re not out. I’m barely out. My big toe is out. Maybe my foot.”
“It doesn’t bother younow.”
“And if it does later, we can talk about it. Also spoken like a true lawyer.”
“I mostly deal with boring contracts. Lots of corporate mumbo jumbo. Lots of loopholes and closing the ones that don’t benefit our clients. That sort of thing. I’m used to dealing with people changing their mind about things.”
A strange look passed over Will’s face.
“What?” I asked, curious about the inner workings of Will Dorsey’s mind.
“I think I’d rather run into a burning building than be a lawyer. It sounds messy.”
“That’s why I didn’t go into family law. Every day in family court feels like walking into the seventh level of hell.”
“Spoken like someone with experience.”
I reached over and booped the end of his nose with my finger. “Very astute.”
He pretended to try and bite my finger, and I grinned at him. It was sweet the way he was playful with me. Unguarded and willing to be silly, to not take himself entirely seriously.
“I was a foster brat. Unfit parents. Court battles. That kind of thing. Eventually they gave up trying to get me back. Or gave up looking like they were trying to get me back.”
“Shit. I’m sorry, Oren.”
