Page 21 of Up In Flames
“Well, I can see how that would make the blind dates with all those lovely church women extra awkward for you.” I didn’t ask why he didn’t just tell his parents or his coworkers. People came out on their own time or not at all. Whatever reasons he had, he’d either share them, or he wouldn’t. The most I could do was let him know that I would be there for him.
I offered him a smile. “Just when I think you can’t get any more brave than you are, you go and surprise me.”
Will dragged his gaze up to meet mine. “Brave? How can I be brave when you’re the first person I’ve ever told that I was gay. I haven’t even said it to the guys I’ve hooked up with.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure you don’t have to say you’re at least a little bit not-straight if you’re getting frisky with another dude.”
“Frisky?” Will arched an eyebrow. “Frisky? Really?”
“There’s worse slang I could’ve used. Like bumping uglies. Who says that?”
“You just did.”
“Asshole.”
Will smiled at me, bright and not completely carefree, but he looked lighter than he had when he’d shown up. Warmth spread through me when I realized it was me who had given him that safe space to let go of some of the burden he carried.
I had a million questions for him, things likewhen did he knowandhad he ever had a boyfriend?Why he wasn’t out was obvious if his parents were the church-going, super religious type. Not that all church people weren’t accepting, but it often made things harder. There could be more to it than that, but I didn’t want to pry.
“If there’s anything you want or need to talk about, I’m a pretty good listener.”
“It’s weird but just saying it out loud makes me feel like I’ve said enough for one day. Does that make sense?” Will wiped a hand down his face. “It was only two words.”
I moved to the other end of the couch and put my hand on his shoulder. I wanted to wrap him up in a hug but kept from doing so. Still, I needed him to know that I was there for him.
“They were two important words. It can’t be an easy thing to keep to yourself.”
Will’s next exhale looked like it deflated him. Like he breathed out every bit of angst he’d been holding on to. I felt the tension bleed out of him.
“Sometimes it’s easy. Like I don’t even think about it. I just get up and do my job and it’s not an issue. But then other times, it’s like I can’t breathe. Like I’m holding my breath waiting for someone to figure it out. Sometimes I want them to. It would take the pressure off, you know.” Will scoffed. “You probably don’t.”
“I don’t. But I can imagine how hard it is to keep something like that to yourself.” I pulled my hand away and folded it neatly in my lap. “I’m glad you felt like you could tell me.”
He leaned back. Resting his head against the back of the couch, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them again, he turned his head to look at me.
“Thanks again for playing along with the phone call today. I think I’d have gone crazy if I had to sit there for another minute.”
“I know you had dinner, but if you wanted to stick around for a bit, we could order a pizza. I hooked up Byron’s Xbox the other day, but I haven’t gotten around to actually using it.”
“Byron?”
“He was…”
Will flinched. “Sorry.”
“Thanks, but it’s… it is what it is. His parents wanted me to have something of his, and we used to play Xbox when we were taking study breaks. I hooked it up the other week but haven’t been able to play it.” But if Will could be brave, then so could I.
For so long after the accident, I felt like I was living in a parallel world. One without air and sunlight. One where every step was like walking through waist-deep mud.
Since reconnecting with Will, things had started to look a little brighter. I still had days when I couldn’t breathe. Days when I didn’t want to get out of bed or wake up at all. I still had days when I had to miss work because my headache came back. I hated those days the most. They took every ounce of energy I had out of me. Even when the headache was gone, I tended to feel shitty for a couple days after. Like it gave me a hangover.
“Are you sure?” Will asked.
I knew he wouldn’t hold it against me if I lost my shit mid-game or had a breakdown after. Or if I couldn’t do it at all. Knowing that made it easier to even think about it.
“Yeah. I think I am.”
Will grinned at me. “Great. Prepare to get your ass kicked.”
