Page 16 of Up In Flames
I scoffed. “Take out containers and microwave meals. But after that chili last weekend, you have me wanting to have some real food again. But I’ve been wandering the produce section for fifteen minutes and so far I have celery.”
“Is there anything specific you have in mind that you want to make?”
“Um… food?”
“Okay, so no meal plan. Gotcha. Okay, you need onions and garlic to go with that celery. Get a bag of onions and one of those packs of garlic with three heads in them. Or if you hate peeling garlic, you can get a jar of minced.”
“Bag of onions, jar of garlic. Got it.”
Will stayed on the line with me while I located both items. He chatted away to me about different things I could make with the same basic ingredients. He had me grab a bunch of carrots and a couple green peppers. It looked like way more food than I could eat before it all went bad, but I trusted Will to know what he was doing.
Next, he directed me to get some ground beef, or pork, or whatever other animal I liked to eat. I grabbed sausage while I was there without being told, and it felt like a victory.
When I’d walked into the store, everything had seemed overwhelming. It wasn’t that I used to do everything with Byron, or sometimes Byron and Rita. Once upon a time, I was a perfectly well-adjusted, grown-assed man. Sometimes I still caught glimpses of that person when my sense of humor would come out to play. I’d crack a joke, and it was as if I was the Oren before the accident. Happier, even if I wasn’t carefree then either. But those problems seemed far more trivial than the ones that plagued me now. And also somehow less trivial. The Oren before wouldn’t have nearly had an anxiety attack about a bag of apples.
By the time I got to the cashier to check out, I realized that I’d bought far too many things to easily carry home.
“I’m definitely going to have to call a cab. There’s no way I can get this home myself.”
I could if I drove, I told myself. My throat tightened and my skin felt hot, even though I shivered. It took me a minute to recognize that Will was trying to get my attention. Sucking in a deep breath, I let it out slowly. I refused to lose my shit at the checkout.
“Where are you?” he asked.
“The Megamart on fifth.”
“Pay for your things. I’ll meet you out front in fifteen.”
“No, it’s fine—I?—”
Will cut me off, his tone firm and unbending, but also so full of kindness and understanding that it left no room for refusal. “Fifteen minutes, Oren. Out front. I’ll be there. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“See you soon. Get yourself a chocolate bar at the checkout.” He ended the call, and I tucked my phone away.
What had started out as a good morning had quickly turned to shit. Was I so broken that I couldn’t manage to grocery shop on my own? I should be able to do things like shop and drive like I used to. I should be able to function without someone holding my hand.
I made a note to talk to my therapist about all the feelings swamping me. The guilt. The self-hate. The worthlessness, thick and relentless that shoved me back every time I thought I’d taken a step forward.
The cashier was nice enough, probably. The fog had descended on me, and all I could focus on was paying for my stuff and getting the hell out of there. The automatic doors whooshed open, and I hurried outside. Fresh air helped. Thesight of Will pulling up to the curb and putting his truck in park helped more.
He jumped out and came around. “Hey, man, good to see you.” He greeted me like nothing was wrong. Like it was a normal Saturday, and I wasn’t falling apart outside a Megamart with a cart full of groceries. He clapped me on the arm like we were old friends, and I watched, unmoving, as he loaded my bags into the back of the truck.
“I can just meet you back at your place if you’d rather walk.” His expression was nothing but understanding. No judgement. No barely hidden smirk like he thought it was hilarious. It made me want to be brave. He made me want to be brave.
“If you can run into burning buildings, I can stand a five-minute drive.”
“You sure?”
Not trusting myself to talk, I nodded instead and quickly returned my shopping cart to the rows of carts just inside the store. When I came back out, Will was in the driver’s seat. Reaching across, he popped the passenger door open for me.
“We can switch places if you’d rather drive.”
Shaking my head, I practically threw myself into the seat of Will’s truck and yanked the door shut before I could change my mind. My hands fumbled the seatbelt, and Will ended up helping me slot the buckle into place. The sound of it locking made me flinch like it was a gunshot echoing in the silence.
I gripped the door handle and forced another deep breath into my lungs. “Can you roll the window down?”
“Yeah, no problem.” The window started to roll down and then the truck began to move. The sudden motion made my stomach lurch, but I leaned toward the window and sucked in a lungful of fresh air.
