Page 67 of Up In Flames
Hated that I’d let him down. Hated that I was a chicken shit. If I told people and I lost them, well at least I’d be losing people who didn’t matter as much to me as Oren.
“Are you waiting for lottery results? You’ve been glued to your phone all day.” Briggs flopped down on the chair next to mine. Our shift was winding down, and it had stayed fairly quiet after we’d dealt with Oren’s emergency. I almost wished it had been a busy shift. It would’ve gone by faster. I’d spent hours practicing knots and organizing my equipment before crashing for a few hours. It was one of the longest shifts I’d ever worked.
“I’m worried about Oren.” The honesty loosened a knot in my chest. Normally I’d have pretended that I was fine. That there was nothing to see here. Or I’d have made up a different lie. A sick parent or something. “He looked like shit yesterday and I haven’t been able to get ahold of him.”
More honesty loosened more knots in my stomach. I’d been a little truthful, and nothing bad happened. Maybe I could risk a whole lot more.
“I’m sure he’s fine.” Briggs’s response was usual for him. He was very unflappable, like a boulder in a windstorm. It took more than a little disturbance to break his calm.
I put my phone away but took it out again when it buzzed. It wasn’t from Oren. It was just an app notification.
I’d be okay when I heard from Oren. I’d be okay when I stopped shutting everyone out. When I just came out and let the chips fall and if people hated me, they’d hate me but at least I’d have Oren.
“Not really. No.” I tucked my phone away then leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. Briggs copied mybody language, and when I didn’t say anything, he bumped his shoulder against mine.
“Spill.”
Truth be told, I was tired of not telling people about me. It wasn’t like I wanted everything to change, but I wanted Oren more than I wanted the status quo.
“I’m gay.”
Briggs let out a low whistle. “Well, that’s new.”
“Not really, no.” I let out a sharp, bitter laugh and I held my breath waiting for the shoe to drop.
“Well, shit, buddy. I’m glad you told me. You can tell me anything, and I’ll always have your back. You know that, right?” Briggs slung his arm around me, and when he gave me a friendly squeeze, it felt like he was holding me together, like he knew I was on the verge of falling apart.
“Oren… he’s more than my friend.” I glanced over at Briggs and found him smiling at me.
“Leave it to you to meet your boyfriend at a car wreck. Some guys have all the luck.” His gentle teasing settled my nerves. If he was still touching me, teasing me, happy for me, then maybe his happiness and acceptance was genuine. Maybe I’d spent all these years tangled up, hiding myself for no good reason.
Briggs sat quietly with me for a few minutes as I took some deep breaths and regained my shaky composure.
“Are you telling everyone or just me? The guys will all have your back. You know that too, right?”
I didn’t know that, though. That was the problem. I’d seen and heard too many people get hated on when they came out. Kids I went to high school with had been shunned by the church. Kicked out by their family. Or not kicked out but not accepted. Whispered about like being anything different was bad and gossip-worthy.
I was afraid, but I wasn’t even brave enough to admit that.
“Will they?” I asked, hope dangerously close to the surface. Briggs knew the truth, and he hadn’t done anything but accept me. “The idea of coming out to everyone is exhausting. I want them to know, but telling you was a lot for me. And I still have to tell my parents.”
Briggs tightened his grip on me. “I can’t help with the parents; you’re on your own there. But I can tell all the assholes around here if you want. They’ll be cool with it. And if they’re not, you know I’ll kick their sorry asses, but it won’t come to that. Trust me?”
Briggs had followed me into burning buildings. He’d had my back in far more dire situations before, and he would again. I did trust him.
“What did you have in mind?”
“Well, I could just go tell them. Rip the Band-Aid off. Things are seldom as bad as we convince ourselves they are. But if the idea of coming out to all of them one at a time or to everyone in a group is too daunting, I’ve been told I have a big mouth. It would be nice to put it to good use once in a while.”
“That’s not fair to ask you.”
“You didn’t ask.” Briggs finally let go of me, but even without his touch, I knew he had my back.
“You think it’ll be okay?”
“Course it will.” Briggs’s smile was broad and bright. Confident. “Promise.”
I should be the one to tell everyone. But I’d already told Briggs, and it had taken every ounce of strength in me to say it the first time. Now that he knew, it should be easier, but the thought of telling everyone all at once, all their eyes on me, staring, questioning, made my stomach turn.
