Page 13 of The Enduring Universe
She began to make a keening sound.
She was flying.
She was falling.
She wasfailing.
Was she a complete being? What was happening to her?
She needed a tether. She needed a strong memory, but the strongest ones were filled with pain. Oam dying, flung away from her. Bharavi strangled with the spiralweed. Iravan walking away, abandoning her for seven months.
, the Virohi murmured.
You two deserve each other.
You’re leaving me, too.
Ahilya’s imagination betrayed her.
Nakshar, Dhruv, Iravan, and all that she had lost flashed in her mind. A vision unfolded, of things unsaid and almost dreamed, of shameful desires and unacknowledged regrets. Of what would have happened had she and Iravan never fought. How Iravan might have been had they borne a child. How her life would have been if they had never discovered the cause of earthrages, and she had simply submitted to the architects’ will like everyone had told her to while they’d all lived in the skies.
Tears ran down Ahilya’s cheeks as the visions of these half-spun fantasies bloomed.
They will corrupt you, Iravan said.
Are you sure you can trust them?Eskayra whispered.
A part of her knew that even thinking of a different life was a betrayal of everything she had achieved, and everything she had learned of her history. Her regret was a betrayal oftruth.
But another part of her knew that, manipulation or not, the Virohi were right.
If she had made different choices, this would not be her life now. If she had not been this person, survival would have been different. For months now, Ahilya had fought this battle with the Virohi, their desire against hers. The others had tried to help her, but in the end this was her battle.
She was so tired now. It would be so easy, so very easy to let the cosmic creatures break from Irshar as they wanted. Would it truly be so bad? They would be free, and so would she. Each time she trapped them in Irshar, she only trapped herself. How sweet the release would taste.
The desire to end this carried her inexorably forward, and horrified, she let it, following it like a temptation. The Virohi-Ahilyas moved in the mirror, coming ever closer.
She remembered saying to Airav,How does having so much power make me different from Iravan?She remembered warning Iravan of becoming a tyrant. She had never wanted to be like that. If she allowed the Virohi out… If she did this…
She alone would no longer have the crippling absolute power she had now. She would not be so hated. She alone would not be responsible—not for Irshar, not the Virohi, not the architects and the citizens, not the rest of humanity, notanyone. Survival would become everyone’s duty. It was what the rest wanted.
The Virohi glinted, smiling.
I…
But…
And Ahilya thought, exhausted and truthful.This is what I desire too.
