Page 74 of The Legend of Meneka
Rambha swallows, the sound soft in her throat. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice the curve of her neck. The golden luminosity of her skin. The sari that hugs her and the blouse that is very nearly not there.
She is exquisite, but for once her beauty does nothing for me. Instead, I find myself thinking back to when I first met her all those years ago. I was an apsara of fifteen, and she was my new handler. I wanted to be like her from that first instance.Look where that brought us. If she encouraged me to become my own creature, would our destinies be different? Even Kaushika only ever wanted me to stay true to myself. I failed him when I failed to do this, never understanding my own nature—but Rambha, she only wanted me to become someone else, and I traveled that path into confusion and despair. What does she possibly have to say to me now? I turn to her, my mouth tightening, a question in my face.
She stirs. “I didn’t know the lord was going to do it,” she begins.
I wait. Do what? Impersonate her? Cut me off from Amaravati? Promise retribution? Which of these did she not know as his favorite apsara?
“When the lord told me that he exiled you …” Unexpected tears spring into her eyes, and Rambha brushes them away.
Instinct makes me want to move, hold her in my arms, and soothe her. If I only relent, the walls between us will break. I do not listen to that part of me. I remain frozen.
Rambha’s gaze falls. “I begged him to spare you. I told him I did not want you harmed. But he is furious and frightened. The threat to his power and to Amaravati is greater than ever. This is why he comes for Kaushika, now before the Vajrayudh fully arrives, while he still can. There was a time when the lord was more open-minded, but he is weakened now, beginning to fear the doubt people have in him. Queen Shachi questions him in front of his devas, showing them how fallible he is. He would not countenance it from you, Meneka. He would punish you if I told him of your failing devotion to him. And I cannot lie to him—I do notwantto. This is why I tried to dissuade you from your questions, why I tried to make you focus on your missions. To be involved in court intrigue is not something anyone should endure. You can be asked to make choices you will never be ready for.” Her voice becomes a whisper by the very end.
I imagine it. Indra has just cut me off from Amaravati. A full court awaits him in his palace, and his fury lashes out at all the immortals. He slouches on his throne, frowning, wishing to be entertained and distracted. The apsaras perform for him, showing him illusions of his own greatness. And later, when the court has cleared, Indra remains on his throne, moody and sulking. Rambha is at his feet, a supplicant. Rambha, who has been thrust into court intrigue, or perhaps choosesto participate. Rambha, who has been asked to make difficult choices, between the lord she loves … and me.
The images pour into my head easily, too vivid for my own imagination. I am instantly suspicious. Rambha’s aura shines, no longer subdued, and though her fingers do not twist into mudras, I think,She has always been more skilled.
“Why are you here?” I ask bluntly.
“I am here for you,” she replies.
I raise an eyebrow. “Not for Indra?”
“For him, too—always. And Amaravati.”
There is no guile in her response. She loves the City of Immortals just like I do. She has never been coy about it; in her mind, the city is inseparable from the lord. She has always worried about what Kaushika could do to it, from the very first time she told me about him.
“You kissed me before I left for the mission,” I say, and this time I cannot keep the hurt from my voice. “Why?”
Rambha lifts her eyes to meet mine. “I was trying to protect you. I placed a charm on you, one that would shield you from the lord’s wrath. I couldn’t save you from Kaushika’s unknown magic, but Indra’s temper I know well.” She smiles, and it is sad. “I know you, too, Meneka, and I knew this mission would test you. It would make you question the lord further, especially after the form your own boon took. My kiss was a transference of my own aura, to remind Indra in his time of rage that you are precious to me.”
I stare at her for signs of duplicity, but all I see is grief in the bend of her shoulders. My anger leaves me in a wave of tiredness.
Rambha did not ask me before placing the charm on me, her kiss only clouding my mind. Yet it was because of this transference that Indra chose to exile me instead of killing me. He cut me off from my power, an action that might have killed me anyway with the sickness of being removed from Amaravati’s magic, but he could have simplybeheaded me with the vajra—and he did not. I reclaimed my power because I still lived. I should thank Rambha for this small protection, but my gratitude fades within the sorrowful chasm of what I endured. Nothing is left behind except ashes of pity for the both of us. Is this to be an apsara’s lot? To love and protect but always do so without permission?
“So it didn’t mean anything,” I say. My voice is raw.
“It meant enough,” she whispers, and moves closer to me.
I do not move away, but I recognize the answer for what it is. An evasion.
“Did Indra know about this charm?” I ask.
“No, but when the charm took effect, he understood what I did. He remembered my love for you.”
I recall the expression of sadness in Indra’s eyes, even as he told me of my exile. “Did he punish you?” I ask.
Rambha hesitates for a second. Then she shakes her head. “He would not. Not me.”
I say nothing to this. I simply watch her.
She shivers under my scrutiny. “Meneka, it is complicated. We are immortals, you and I. We do not age like mortals do. Yet I am much older than you are. I was born during the Churning of the Oceans. I have been by the lord’s side, his dancer, his muse, his devotee, for millennia. Indra and I have lived through a thousand battles, a hundred heroics, a million manipulations. He has taken my form before, to test me and to test others, especially apsaras who threaten to go rogue. I have held his hand, planned his wars and missions for him, comforted him. We have always been more than lord and apsara.”
“Lovers,” I say dully, and she nods.
Little wonder he refused to endanger her on such a dangerous mission. I suppose I have known all along. I try to work upresentment, but in my heart I understand. Would I endanger Kaushika if I had a chance to save him? I shudder, unable to contemplate such a position.
“Does Queen Shachi approve?” I ask instead.
