Page 85 of The Legend of Meneka
Kaushika blinks and his gaze finds mine. He swallows as though the words are difficult to say. His fingers move restlessly and a haunted look enters his eyes before he masters himself.
“Do you not know?” he murmurs. “I am here because I must atone, Meneka. You tried to tell me to stop. To find another way. But caught in my own pride, I did not listen to you. I do not expect you to forgive me, not after the way I abandoned you. Not after what I did to yourown sisters. But I hope that you will allow me to apologize. That is what this is.”
I say nothing for a long time. He does not rush me but merely goes back to arranging the clothes he has brought. Soon he begins to make a meal while I sit lost in my own mind. I know that the words he has spoken are more than an apology. They are both a reckoning for him and a path forward. How amIto proceed?
“I should have told you,” I say finally. “That I am an apsara.”
“Perhaps I was a coward too,” he replies. His gaze flickers to me. “To blame you. To leave you when you could not tell me your reasons.”
My heart seizes with his admission. It is one I never expected. I am disarmed beyond my own doubts. My fingers knot within the sheet I fold, creating wrinkles.
Kaushika’s own hands still from the meal he is making. “Nanda came to me to deceive me,” he says. “But perhaps you did not. I should have understood this before. I should have trusted myself to see, to know. Trusted you. Looking back, I can see how you even tried to tell me who you were, but perhaps I did not make it safe for you to do so. For that I am truly sorry.”
Here it is, the apology that should make things better, but can I forgive so easily? What about my own mistakes? I have owned up to them, paid for them several times over—but too much has come between us already, and not all of it is resolved.
Yet there can be no moving forward without clarity about my intentions. If I am to salvage anything with him, I have to be honest, no matter how much it will hurt. I corral my courage and lift my chin again.
“I do not want to lie anymore,” I say. “Know that I intend to return to Amaravati one day. My words to Indra were a promise. The battle may be over for now, but Amaravati still needs protection during theVajrayudh, and the city is my home. I will do whatever I can to safeguard it, even if I must do so from you.”
My words are like stones in my mouth, but Kaushika only nods like he has been expecting it.
“I must keep my vow too,” he says. “The souls of many are denied entry into swarga. Including that of King Satyavrat. Indra will have to relent, no matter his laws.”
My brows rise at that. “Does that mean you expect me to relent too, regarding Indra? It might not make sense to you, after all the wrongs he has done me, but my devotion cannot be erased so easily, Kaushika. It runs in my blood. It is in the stories I grew up with. The beauty and luxuries of Amaravati, the peace I have felt there—these are not compulsions in the way you see them, but embedded within my heritage, my veryculture, sustaining my devotion to the lord, even if he has behaved arrogantly.”
He tilts his head and gives me a speculative look. A sliver of challenge flickers in his gaze, but he nods. “I understand. I don’t expect you to love him any less, Meneka. But my own purpose burns within me, too, despite everything.”
“Then this peace itself is an illusion,” I counter. “We have resolved nothing.”
At that, Kaushika’s gaze turns quiet, searing. “I wonder,” he says softly.
And I think of how I began this journey on my knees in Indra’s court. How I faced the lord and won after my exile. How Kaushika and I are still here together despite everything, and how we shared a vision of love in the skies in the heat of the battle. Too many things have occurred to dismiss. His tears and mine. His causes and my betrayals. The journey we have taken, to be here now, in this quiet forest, by this intimate hut. Both of us are still bound by what we need to do, yet transformed beyond our dreams, holding twoopposing purposes within ourselves even as we stay true to who we are. Kaushika and Indra have done so much wrong, yet I love them both despite their enmity, despite their flaws. I finally understand that my devotion for them has little to do with them, but everything to do with me. Is nothing truly resolved? I wonder too.
After that, it is easier between us.
LATER THAT NIGHT A VISITOR COMES TO THE HUT.IHAVEfallen into a fitful sleep, my head full of dreams of Kaushika, scented by camphor and rosewood. I open my eyes, and there she is, a luminescent glow emanating from her. Her aura fills the one-chambered home. My eyes widen and I stumble off the bed. I fall to my knees, aware that I am dressed in only my shift. My hair tumbles down my back. My knees and shoulders are bare. This is no way to appear in front of the goddess. No way to appear before the mother of heaven.
“Queen S-Shachi,” I stutter.
I cannot breathe properly, too entranced by her loveliness. I have not seen her since that time in Indra’s throne room when I accepted this fateful mission, but I have not spoken to her inyears. Does she know my name? She must. She is here. Whyisshe here? My thoughts confuse me, the same way they once did with Indra. I dare not look upon her too intently, but even in my sleep-befuddled state, I can tell she is studying me. Shadows fall across the walls, and I see her tilt her head. The sari she wears hugs her curves, and unlike in the throne room when it was a fiery red, this time it is a sheer black, like she is a shadow of the night. The black shifts, sometimes edged with a shining silver, other times with stars caught within it, a mirage in itself.
Vaguely, I wonder why Kaushika has not sensed her, with so much of her magic pouring into the hut. Either he has left like all the otherswhile I stay here in the indecisiveness of my own mind, or—a horrible thought—shehas done something to him.
“He is still here,” Shachi says, amused as though hearing me. “Asleep under my enchantment. He is a powerful man. But he is a man. And I am a goddess.”
“Devi,” I whisper, unable to say anything else.
“Rise, apsara,” she says, flickering her fingers. “Sit.”
I obey. Tentatively, I seat myself at the edge of my cot. It is then that I notice that she has arrived with two other figures. I blink at the two women standing on either side of her, watching me silently. No, not just two women. Twoapsaras.The same two who were sent before me to this very mission to seduce Kaushika. Magadhi and Sundari both wear deep inky-blue saris, each of them as beautiful as the other, yet neither more than Shachi. A thousand questions pour into me, and a croak of disbelief escapes me before I can control myself. Goose bumps erupt on my skin. I know somehow that I am in terrible danger.
Queen Shachi studies me for a long moment, then sits down next to me. The bed does not shift with her weight.Goddess, I think. Is this an illusion?
“You called on the devis during the battle,” she says softly. “Where do you think we were?”
“Protecting Amaravati,” I whisper. “In case the war came to the city’s doorstep.”
Shachi shakes her head. “We were angry.”
