Page 60 of The Legend of Meneka
Kaushika’s eyes flash. His fists clench, and I read his fury, his pain, in that one movement. I wait, too heartbroken to care if he is going to lash out.
But Kaushika only nods once, as if to himself. Then he turns away, his movements wooden.
I stumble forward and grasp his arm before he can leave. I know he will not curse me like he did Nanda, but the prospect of losing him in this manner stirs me more than his danger. “Don’t go,” I say, desperately. “We can fix this. Let me explain.”
“What is there to explain?” he replies, his eyes piercing into me. “I underestimated the storm lord badly. He won this round. He will not win again.”
“He did not win. I haven’t told …” But I cannot complete my sentence. Because Ihavetold. I told Rambha everything Kaushika ever said to me, and she reported it back to Indra. Undoubtedly, the devas conferred, going over every bit of my information, seeing how to manipulate it. Even now, according to Rambha, Indra prepares for war. Based onmyinformation.
Kaushika’s eyes glint. “Why stop yourself from telling another lie, Meneka?”
His voice is flat, emotionless. The sheer pain and hurt in it, masked behind a cold indifference, break my heart.
“Did you breach my shield too?” he asks. “Did you look into my lusts and plant your own image? If Indra dares to send me another apsara, I would like not to be such an easy puppet.”
He asks the question coldly, as though not truly expecting aresponse, but I see behind it the fear of what I did to him, in forcing him to lie with me.
“I—I didn’t plant any lusts in you,” I whisper. “I didn’t ever use my magic on you, Kaushika. I saw your lust, and I saw myself, and it shocked me too. It means only one thing. That your lust for me was pure. Uncontaminated by any magic. That you desired me, plain and simple.”
He says nothing, merely continues to stand there, frowning. I take courage from this and move my hand over his arm, trying to ease the tension from his bicep.
“You must have known,” I whisper. “Somewhere in your heart, you must have known who I was. After all my defense of Indra, you must have suspected it, you must have accepted it.”
Anger flares in his eyes. “Then it is my shortcoming? Even if that is true, then all you have done is subterfuge, when I hidnothingfrom you—I gave youeverythingof me. You were my goddess, my devi. If you truly believed my lust was my own, you could havetoldme you were an apsara, without any confusion and pretense. You could have trusted me to take all of you. Did I show you I was too weak for your desires? For you?”
“You cursed her—” I begin, pointing to the statue.
“Because she tried to desecrate my meditation, my power, and my free will! Is that what you did too?” His mouth twists, and the revulsion in him shakes me. “I cannot believe I have been so foolish. Of course, all your wisdom about the path of the Goddess, about the devi. Those were simply to thwart me, were they not? My trust, myarrogance, blinded me into believing that if you could do rune magic, you could not be an immortal. From that first day I saw you, I assumed your immense beauty could only mean one thing, but I fell for you against my better judgment, against all the warnings in my head,seducedby your mask of sincerity, giving you the benefit of the doubt.I forgot myself. And is that not what your kind does? Make a mark forget their own will? Everything you’ve said has been a lie.”
I shake my head in protest. “It wasn’t a lie.” I raise my hand to cup his face. “Kaushika, I—I made a mistake—surely you understand that. You’ve made them too—with her—”
I caress his face, but he wrenches me away from him, painfully, as though only just realizing I am so close to him. “Do not touch me,” he snarls. “These are excuses. You did what was in your nature. Lies and deception and illusions. That is what an apsara does. You violate. That’s your entire existence, and I foolishly thought it was love.”
“Itwaslove,” I say. “Itislove. Kaushika. I love—I am in love—”
“No,” he says, and now the heat leaves his voice. He takes another step back. “I was a mark. A mission. You were sent here by Indra to deceive me. Deny it, Meneka. I dare you.” A staggered breath escapes him. “Ibegyou,” he whispers. “Please. Deny it.”
I stare at him, and the words of explanation die in my mouth. Suddenly, I am sick to my stomach. Have I not thought the very same things he is saying to me now? Never with such brutality, never with such precision—but I have questioned my own nature the same way he is. I have been ashamed of being an apsara, knowing in the depths of my soul that I am a creature of poison and danger, forcing my marks to feel what they feel, forcing them to do things they would never do. I even questioned ifKaushika, despite never behaving like a typical mark, admitted the things he did to me because of my celestial power. I questioned it … but I did not stop.
A silence breathes between us.
Tears tremble and fall. I dash them away. I try to focus, be methodical, be clear. I take a deep breath to calm myself, relying on my training from the hermitage. Fromhishermitage.
“I can’t deny it,” I whisper. “Itwasa mission. Youwerea mark. But then you became so much more. I couldn’t tell you because I thoughtyou’d killed my sisters. Telling you would be a betrayal of the lord. I am his apsara, compelled to obey him and bound to Amaravati in a profound way. Please … I never wanted to deceive you.”
“What you want matters little,” Kaushika says quietly. “It is what you havedonethat must be judged. And your compulsion to obey is another thing Indra must answer for. Just like I will answer for what I’ve done to her. Is that not fair? That all of us pay for our mistakes?”
I can say nothing to this. He has trapped me with his reason, ever a sage’s weapon.
Kaushika’s mouth trembles, and his hand rises. For a second, I think that despite what he has said, he can forgive me. That we can face this together. I think he is going to touch me, my hair, my cheek, my lips. Almost, I lean into him, hoping.
When he speaks this time, his voice is low. Wondering.
“I worshiped you,” he whispers. “When we lay together, when we kissed.” His eyes drop to my mouth, and his own mouth hardens. His hand falls again. “Nothing you have said changes that you did everything intentionally.”
“I love you,” I say quietly. “Please believe me.”
“How can I?” he says, just as quietly. “How do I know this isn’t just another deception? That you haven’t simply taken away my choice? Even if I believe you, how can I trustmyselfnow, when it comes to you? WhenIhave been so blind?”
