Page 25 of The Legend of Meneka
“Yet he is nothing without the Goddess. Even his representation marks her.” I raise my chin, and my own voice hardens. “You follow Shiva’s path, but you do not acknowledge that which balances him. You ignore Shakti, who shows him who he is, without whom he cannot enliven his divinity. Shiva would destroy the whole universe with the power of his meditation—destroy his own self. It is the Goddesswho anchors him into life, forcing him to react, to give, to participate. It is the Goddess who turns his destruction into creation, into eroticism. Without her, he is incomplete, yet you ignore her in your hermitage, claiming to follow his path. I sit in one lesson after another, Anirudh and Romasha parroting what you have taught them, yet you have not taught them this simple truth. I meditate at the hermitage’s lingam, yet though you’ve built the yoni there too, not a word is spoken about the Goddess. Are you sureyouhave a place in a hermitage that claims to follow Shiva?”
Silence rings within the temple.
Kaushika opens his mouth, then closes it. His gaze moves across the cave, to catch on the carvings of Shakti in her many forms. As violent Kali riding Shiva’s body. As benevolent Parvati, rivalling Shiva with her own meditation. As Sati and Durga and Annapurna and Kamakshi—the Goddess always asShakti, power personified, completing Shiva.
Something in Kaushika’s eyes shifts. Arrogance is replaced with sudden horror, then humility, and beyond that, a dazzling defenselessness.
It is so unexpected that I am taken aback.
“It is not Shiva alone who is the Lord of the Universe, Sage,” I say quietly. “It is Shiva when he is with Shakti. You worship the lingam and the yoni, but your denial of pleasure—your pursuit of asceticism without understanding—rejects love as a force of all creation. It rejects the Goddess, and so it rejects Shiva too. I asked you why you saved Navyashree, and you claimed it was your duty, an ascetic answer if there ever was one, yet your path of austerity does not embrace the beautiful contradictions of Shiva or the eternal shifting permanence of him. You claim to worship him, but how much of Shiva do you truly understand?”
Kaushika’s gaze moves from the carvings to me.
I dare not move, pinned by his eyes. I wonder if I have spoken in error. Given too much away. I try to retrieve my anger and indignation, the emotions I started this conversation with. I said the words to trip him up, but the longer Kaushika stares at me, unblinkingly, curiosity in his eyes, the harder it is to remember that I am in control.
He watches me, head tilted, like he is trying to make me out as much as I am him. Like he is truly seeing me for the first time.
Slowly, my breath grows shallow. My eyes dart to the laugh lines on his face. The long, artistic fingers. The fullness of his lips and the ghost of those dimples. What does he see? Why won’t he speak? My tether blooms, confusing me. I clutch it, but his perception unmoors me. Rambha, Amaravati, Indra—all of them disappear. Suddenly Kaushika and I are alone, without pretenses, without agendas, here in Shiva’s temple.
Kaushika’s mouth lifts in a small smile.
“You are right,” he says at last. “I have been ignoring the Goddess. Agastya would laugh at me if he knew this is what I’ve done. Perhaps that is why I have failed to summon Shiva to the hermitage.”
My eyes widen in horror. Abruptly, I am brought back to my mission. Did I truly just give him a weapon of knowledge, one that wouldhelphim? Did Indra see this somehow? Would the lord consider this a betrayal?
“Shiva would not leave Mount Kailash,” I breathe, panicked. “He does not simply come when called. You said so yourself.”
“He comes when he is convinced of a devotee’s love and purity,” Kaushika says. “Yousaid so yourself. You have given me essential insight into why he has been ignoring me. I should have seen this all along.” He rises, surging to his feet. “I will take your knowledge, freely offered. I will use it for the betterment of the hermitage. I thank you for this, Meneka.”
I rise to my feet as well, alarmed. “You admit I have knowledge. Then you will allow me to stay in the hermitage?”
“To teach us the path of the Goddess?” he says ironically. “You are unbearably beautiful. No doubt the others would welcome the learning from you.” He laughs, a raw, jagged sound, and shakes his head. “I think not. This is still my hermitage. No one stays here without knowing themselves. Without being able to perform the magic that connects them to their deeper self. Grateful as I am, your days are numbered unless you can make runes.”
He moves forward to leave the temple, but I block his way.
“Then teach me,” I say.
“It is not worth my time.”
“Your time?” I mimic his raw laugh. “You have time to leave the hermitage and travel, but not to train me?”
He shrugs callously. “Very well, I have the time. I do not have the desire.”
He cannot evict me. Not now. Not when I’m finally advancing in my mission. My desperation makes me bold. “You have not wanted me at the hermitage from the very beginning. Despite my strength. Despite my devotion. Why?”
“That is my business alone—” he begins.
“It is my business too,” I say sharply. “Youwantme to fail. You are lying about your intention. Lying about why you don’t want me here.”
Kaushika’s eyes flash. “Do not presume so much,” he says. “I thank you for your guidance about Shakti, but gratitude is all you will get from me today.”
Anger suffuses me, heating my cheeks. He makes to slide past me again, but I block him again. “Teach me,” I demand. “Teach me once, and then decide about my worth.”
“No. You debate well enough and you have philosophical knowledge about Shiva, but I sense too much turmoil in your heart. I haveno time to treat with it. Linger here and pray, Meneka. Pray that Shiva listens—but I must return to the hermitage.”
“So must I. Anirudh is waiting for me. Teach me, Kaushika. One lesson, and if I do not learn, I will leave the hermitage myself. I won’t wait for the Initiation Ceremony. I will leave tonight if you wish it.”
Interest sparks in his eyes. He inhales sharply, and his gaze travels down to his wrist. I realize I have captured it in my hand. His pulse thunders under my touch, and his eyes darken a fraction in awareness. My throat grows dry, but I refuse to swallow. I blurted the words out without thinking, but I am guaranteed to fail. I cannot do what the others do. My pretense here is over, and so is my mission from Amaravati. Surely he will not agree to my reckless demand? Anirudh told us that Kaushika is notallowedto teach by the dictates of the Mahasabha. I stare at him, expecting him to say no, but a roguish smile forms on his lips as though the prospect of having me gone from the hermitage is enough to risk the censure of the other sages. As though he has already won.
