Page 94 of The Surviving Sky
“By makingthisdecision.” He let out a humorless laugh. “Rages, Ahilya. Why now? What has happened?”
That he could ask her this question, that hebelieved—no,expectedher to be oblivious, to be ignorant, and had likely taken her forgiveness forgranted—Ahilyashook in silent fury, unable to form a reply.
“Why, Ahilya?” he persisted. “Because you no longer want to try? Because you’ve finally had enough? Because you don’t love me anymore?”
She said nothing. Her hands continued to pack as she placed one book after another in a bag.
His shadow moved, a latent aggression to it. Ahilya felt him right behind her, the vibrations of his energy and his anger, rumbling through the house as though he were morphing the architecture. “Which is it, Ahilya?” he asked, his voice hard. “I deserve toknow—”
“And I deserve to know things too, Iravan,” she said, losing her temper abruptly and whipping around. “But it’s not as though you’ve been open with yoursecrets—”
“This is unfair. I’ve told you as much as Ican—asmuch as I’m allowed to—more—I gave you things I’m not supposedto—”
Ahilya followed the direction of his eyes, to his rudra bead bracelet dangling from her wrist, to the books she still held, books he had provided her from the architect archives that she had never taken to the library alcove. Her body trembled in wrath.I saved you, he’d said.Trust me. She dropped the books back on the shelf and moved toward him, her hands clenched into fists.
“Thatis your defense?” she spat, furious. “You want me to be grateful to you? Is that why you brought up the spiralweed right now? Another way to get me to submit?”
Iravan blinked. “No, I misspoke; I didn’t say it right. Thespiralweed—Imeant I don’t care about yourcrime—”
“My crime? How dare you talk about my crimes when yours have been so great? Did you think no one would find out you killed Bharavi?”
Iravan’s eyes widened.
His mouth fell open.
“I saw you,” Ahilya whispered. “She was going to be excised. She would have returned to Tariya. Is killing people just a habit with you now? First Oam, then Bharavi?”
“Oam was anaccident—andBharavi—”
“Was what? Another accident? Don’t bother lying, Iravan. I saw you use the spiralweed. Did you do it so I’d be implicated with you? To ensure my silence?”
“No, you don’tunderstand—”
“You think it’ll all be forgiven if you finally tell me you’ve chosen to place me in a position I should have always been in? Because you tell me I’mimportantto you? Everywhere you go, you destroy socallously—myexpedition, Oam’s life, Dhruv’s experiment, and nowthis—”
Iravan shook his head furiously, raising an imploring hand toward her. “No, Ahilya, please listen. I did it for her own good. Bharavi wantedthis—”
“I watched you,” Ahilya shouted. “She was fighting. She was calling out yourname, Iravan.”
“No, you don’t understand.Ecstasy—itgives you incredible powers with no regard for the safety of the ashram. And she was deteriorating. I suspected it wouldn’t be longbefore—”
“You killed her because of asuspicion? You destroyed Tariya’sfamily—”
“I saved Tariya the pain,” Iravan said, his voice raised. “When excision happens, familieserode—”
“Why?” she shot back. “Because architects aren’t architects anymore? Because they’re no longer fuckingspecial? Did Tariya ever indicate she loved Bharavi only because of her power?”
“No. No, of course not! But excision cutsaway—Thefamilies, they don’trecover—Lovehas very little to do withit—”
“How, Iravan?”
“Because love is meaningless when a person can’t feel, Ahilya,” he shouted, goaded beyond endurance. “That’s what excision does. Non-architects never fully understand this!”
Stung, Ahilya fell silent. Her cheeks warmed in anger and humiliation. Iravan’s words echoed around their home. The foliage in the apartment became prickly: tight, thorny leaves stabbing out of the walls. She saw Iravan crush her rudra bead key before the expedition. Saw him open a hole by her feet, uncaring of her life.You should be on your knees, he’d said,thanking the architects.
“I’m sorry,” he said, forcing his voice into calmness. “I know it’s not through any fault of your own.”
Ahilya swallowed. Rage and bitterness coursed through her, tightening her chest. She took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. Iravan had always kept his own identity as an architect topmost; of course he would think he would no longer be able tofeelwithout the presence of the Moment. Of course he had never thought that non-architects were as sensitive or as complex as architects. He had indicated it before, in so many words time and again, in his explanation of the ragas—It’s a matter of consciousness-sensitivity, he’d said, words she’d ignored like so many others. But the ones now, they were so telling, so wrong, that revulsion grew in her, choking her. She had been so foolish. His every conversation had been twisted, a trap, a hundred meanings she’d blinded herself to. How could she believe anything anymore?He’s a charmer, Ahilya. Don’t take your time, or he will decide for you. They had finally come to the consequences of his duplicities, and her excuses for him. She had ignored the writing on the wall for too long. No more.
