Page 63 of The Surviving Sky
“It shouldn’t have been possible, and you know it. You’re stating the same closed-minded drivel that everyone does, about Ecstasy beingterrible—”
“Ecstasyisterrible,” Iravan said. “It’s the worst thing that can happen to an architect. Every beginner architect knows this.”
“For fuck’s sake, Iravan.” Bharavi stood up and began pacing the terrace; Iravan had never seen her so angry, so scared. “You’re not a beginner anymore; you’re a Senior Architect, a councilor of Nakshar. You’re meant todefinethe rules, tocreatethem. Your independent thinking above all else is why you were promoted to the office. You want to escape excisionanddemotion? This is the only way. I’m trying to save you. Why won’t you listen?”
Iravan ran his hands through his hair, clutching at his locks.
“A week ago, you said I had to be careful, and now you’re saying I should break the rules. You said you’ll call me to an Exam at the slightest provocation, and now you tell me that Ecstasy isn’t bad after all. What are you trying to tell me, Bharavi?”
“I’m trying to tell you that you need to listen to your own moral intuition,” Bharavi said. “That, above all, is what it means to be a Senior Architect. It’s a balance between the individual good and the greater good. It’s deep, unerring trust in the judgement of your own conscience. It’s understanding the costs and consequences of power.”
“I don’t have the luxury of introspection. I’m on a clock!”
“You’re missing thepoint—”
“No, I’m not,” Iravan said, slamming his fists into the arms of his wheelchair. “You stand there, telling me to listen to my moral intuition, making it sound so easy, but it’s not. All my life, it seems my role should have been clear. Born with the ability to traject, so become an architect, protect the ashram, be a good husband. Well, I let myself be guided by these truths, but the harder I try, the more I lose. No matter what I do, it doesn’t feel right, and I can’t see a path!”
Bharavi stopped next to him and sank down on the bench that had grown for her. “All architects are expected to pay a price—thatis the cost ofsurvival—thecharge ofpower—”
“It’s toohuge—Itneverends—I’vealready lost so much.”
“What have you lost?”
“I don’t know,” he said, his hold on his hair painful. “I thought you’d helpme—”
“Answer the question, Iravan. Is it Ahilya? Your clarity as a Senior Architect? The balance you need to maintain?”
“Yes, those, butno—”
“Then what?”
“Idon’t—”
“What have you lost?”
“I know what you’re trying; it won’twork—”
“What have you lost, Iravan?”
Iravan hurled himself into the Moment; his visions split and he trajected harshly.
“I’ve lost myself,” he roared.
The grass around them shot up, converting into spiky, thorny cacti, a forest of lethal spines barely missing the two of them. Iravan breathed heavily, his chest ragged, the peace of the Moment sullied by his turbulent emotions.
Bharavi froze, staring at him, at the glowing vines over his skin.
He stared back, his heart thumping in his chest.
In the Moment, the Resonance fluttered in front of him, mirror-like, mercurial, waiting.
Slowly, very slowly, without taking his eyes off Bharavi, Iravan released his trajection. He departed the Moment.
The Resonance disappeared. The blue-green light winked out of him. On the terrace, the trees retreated with a slick whisking sound and became grass again.
Horrified by what he’d said, by what he’d done, Iravan sank his head into his hands. The two paths glimmered in hismind—pathsthat he now knew had haunted him all his life. He had found himself on that fork at every step, at every instant, and never picked correctly even though the paths had come again and again. What was he becoming? What was hedoing? There was no absolution.
“This person who I am,” he whispered.“This…Iravan. I don’t know who I amanymore—Idon’t know what I’m supposed to be. I look inside me, and all I see is an eternal fall in a place where the rest of me ought to be. I try to fill that hole, with being an architect, a husband, a councilor, but it only grows wider, insatiable. The truth is, I don’t care about the ashram, I don’t care about Ahilya, and a part of me is convinced that caring about any of this is pointless until I understand who I really am.”
