Page 100 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
When we come inside, Abuela and Doña Violeta stand from their spots on the couch, but my mom stops them.
“No, no, we’ll all sit,” she says as she ushers us all into the living room. It almost feels like an intervention. Part of me is bummed that Moni’s not here to ease the tension, since apparently she’s spending another weekend trip with her dad and won’t be back until tomorrow. Then again, something tells me this is an immediate-family kind of conversation, whatever that means for us.
I sit next to Abuela, with the rest on the other couch. “We need to clear the air. Life is too precious to hold it all in and live with regrets, and I know I’m not the only one who needs to get something off my chest. I want us to be able to hash things out as a family. I’ll go first.”
Mami closes her eyes as her mouth moves like she’s saying a quick prayer to herself. We all just kind of sit there in silent anticipation with no idea what’s about to happen. Eventually she gives herself the sign of the cross and continues.
“I have some apologies I need to share. First of all, to you, Mami.”
“To me?” Abuela looks at my mom like she’s trying to solve an impossible math equation in her head. “Mija, you don’t have to—”
“No, I do. Just let me say this, okay, Mami? I can’t pretend to understand everything that’s happened, but I know it’s not as simple as I used to think. I know you’re trying now, and I know calling you crazy instead of trying to understand didn’t help our situation.” She turns to me at that. “And, Cesar, I’m so sorry for anything I might have said about your abuela that you ended up internalizing. I don’t think either of you are crazy, okay?”
My heart gets heavy. It’s true that every time I heard my mom call my grandma crazy, it made it a little harder to breathe. Like if she hated her mom so much for being crazy, was that how she felt about me?
“I am crazy, though,” I admit.
“Okay, then I’ll say this.” Mami looks at me with tears in her eyes. “I’m not ashamed of you. Not for being bisexual, and not for being bipolar. Either of you.”
Abuela smiles, her eyes also getting a bit misty. “Thank you, mija.”
I want to say something too, but my words are stuck in my throat. Mami doesn’t seem to be done yet, though, so maybe that’s all right.
“And, Yami.” She turns to face Yami, who’s sitting next to her. Both of them are already getting choked up. “I love you more than I can put into words, and I’m so, so sorry for everything I’ve said or done to make you feel otherwise. You’ve carried so much on your shoulders over the years, and I need you to know that it’s enough.Youare enough.”
By the time Mami’s done with all her apologies, at least half the room is in tears, and she and Yami are holding hands like their lives depend on it. Then Mami starts looking around at the rest of us, as if to say “Who’s next?”
I won’t lie, the idea of apologizing for everything I’ve done to all these people right now scares the shit out of me, so I’m relieved when Abuela volunteers herself next.
“I need to apologize too, mija,” she says to my mom. “I know I didn’t make things easy on you growing up. Now that you’ve given me the chance to be in your life again, I promise to be a better mother and grandmother for the rest of mine. I don’t take this gift for granted. And... I also want to apologize to you, Viva.” She shifts her gaze to Doña Violeta, who smiles, not at all fazed by the play on her name. “I made a choice, all those years ago, and I can admit now that it was the wrong one. Even if I suffered more for it, I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too,” Doña Violeta says. “I should have kept in touch then. I was so glad to hear you’ve been doing better recently, but I regret that I wasn’t a part of that journey.” Doña Violeta’s apology makes me think about how I’ve felt about Jamal lately. About how much I’ve missed.
Not being a part of his journey with coming out and all hisperformances was one of the hardest parts about pushing him away. I need to fix that.
“And I’m sorry to you too, Cesar.” Doña Violeta turns to me now. “I shouldn’t have lied to you.”
“I wouldn’t have gone with you to Abuela’s if you told the truth,” I admit. “But don’t do it again.”
“Promise, mijo,” she says with a smile.
“Okay, I’ll go next,” Yami says with a shaky breath, and I know what she’s about to say before she gets it out. Even though she has nothing to apologize for, it must be scary bringing this up to our mom. I give her an encouraging nod so she knows I have her back. “I’ve been keeping a secret from you, Mami. I didn’t say anything because I haven’t really decided yet, but...” She pauses, running her hands over her braid nervously. “I didn’t just get into ASU. Bo and I both got into the art program at NAU.” She avoids my mom’s gaze.
I can’t help but smile. She said it out loud, which tells me how bad she wants this. She’s never been super sure of what she wanted to do after high school, so this is clearly a bigger deal than she’s letting on.
The few seconds of silence waiting to see Mami’s reaction feels like forever. She eventually wipes a tear and clears her throat. “I’m so proud of you, mija. That’s really great news.”
“Really?” Yami looks more confused than relieved. “If you need me to stay to help with the business, I can. And, Cesar, literally, if you tell me you need me here, I’ll go to ASU instead. I don’t want to abandon you guys.”
“Yami, stop,” I say, my voice coming out softer than she’s usedto from me lately. “You want to go to NAU, right? When have you ever considered your own needs before mine? For once in your life, do whatyouwant to do.”
“But are you gonna be okay if I leave?”
I hate that I can’t confidently say I will. But if I’m not, it’s not on her. “I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “But I definitely won’t be okay if you don’t go to the college you want because of me. You should go.”
Yami opens her mouth like she’s about to protest, but Mami stops her. “Mija, I want you to do what is best for you and your future. I’ll be here with your brother, and so will Violeta and your abuela. We’ve got plenty of support to go around. You’ve done more than enough for all of us. It’s time you do something for yourself.”
Mami’s barely finished her sentence before Yami throws herself into a hug. “Thank you, Mami. I’ll call all the time, and we can all visit whenever.” She pulls away. “I love you guys so much, but... I do really want to go.”
