Page 97 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
From the corner of my eye, I see Yami wiping her tears before I look back up at her. But I’m not done yet. She needs to know one more thing.
“I need you, Yami. But I don’t want my life to dictate yours. You should get whatyouwant in life, too.” I finally look up at her, so she really gets it. “I know I don’t act like it, but when life is good, you’re one of the reasons why. I feel like I’m the opposite for you.”
“You’re not! How do you not get that I need you too? I need you just as bad, okay? Please, don’t leave....”
I blink away the tears welling up in my eyes. This whole time, she needed me too, and I abandoned her, just like I was so mad at my mom for doing to me. “I’ll try not to,” I manage to calm myself enough to get out.
“Cesar, I need you to really hear me right now, okay?” she looks at me almost as intensely as Jamal usually does. “You deserve to be loved.”
“Bullshit,” I say, feeling my lips shrug like I’m gonna cry again. “You should hate me. You should fucking yell at me or something. Hit me or throw something! Get yourself kicked out,that’swhat I deserve!”
She just shakes her head. “I couldn’t possibly punish you any worse than you’re punishing yourself—and why would I want to? I love you. If you don’t believe me, I’ll tell you again.”
“I believe you,” I say with a hand up so she doesn’t keep saying it and make me cry again. “But I want to fix it, Yami. Just tell me what to do to make it up to you and I’ll do it.”
“If staying alive is all you can do, it’s enough. It’s like I said before, I need you too. You make my life better when you’re in it.” She smiles and nudges the bag of Takis toward me. “I just want you to be okay.”
“I can’t promise you that,” I say. After everything, I don’t want to put a Band-Aid over it by making a promise I can’t be 100 percent sure I’ll keep.
“Then I want you to tell someone when you need support. If it’s not me, that’s fine, just tell someone. I want you to stop shutting everyone out. I want you to stop trying to brave all of this alone.”
“Okay.” I swallow the lump in my throat. That, I can at least try. “I promise.”
Day Two: Visiting Hours
Since they actually check to make sure you take your meds here, I don’t really have the option to fake it like I’ve been doing. I don’t really know what that means for me. I mean, I’m at least at a place now where I can admit I was a mess without the meds, but was I any better with them? I’m not so sure. Besides, Moni’s anecdote about her dad paying off doctors gets to me. What if I just go right back to being brainwashed?
Luckily, I don’t have to wait long to ask her about it, since the next person to visit is Moni.
She starts talking before she’s done pulling out her chair. “Abuela wanted to get you some snacks, so she’s at the vending machine.”
I’m actually kind of relieved to have a minute with just Moni so I can ask what I want. We probably don’t have a ton of time, so Istart talking before she has a chance to ask her own questions. I’d rather steer the conversation my own way than have to answer any “How are you feeling?” types of questions.
“How’s your dispensary fundraising going?” I ask, trying to find a segue to talking about the meds.
Moni shrugs, looking confused about the question. I guess I can’t blame her, considering where we are. Luckily, she humors me. “My Tampots are selling faster than I can make them, so that’s a good sign! I’ve been thinking of hiring some help so I don’t have to be as selective about who to sell to, but expanding a business like mine comes with risks, you know?”
She goes on to tell me all the details of said risks and I’m already regretting my choice of segue. Abuela’s quickly making her way toward me, so my window is basically over. I clear my throat to try and signal to Moni that she should stop talking about anything that could get her in trouble before Abuela reaches us, but she doesn’t seem to get the hint.
“Moni—” I try to interrupt, but she doesn’t even seem to hear me. By the time she realizes I’m trying to help her, Abuela’s already sitting in the chair next to her with a bag of chips in her hand.
“Surprise! Abuela brought snacks!” Moni grabs the chips and sets them in front of me as if Abuela didn’t hear a thing.
“I would be thanking the Lord we’re in this hospital right now if I were you,” Abuela says firmly.
“What do you expect me to do?” Moni tilts her head innocently. “How else am I supposed to raise the funds to open my own dispensary? To even go to college?” I know Moni has no shameabout what she does, but she apparently has the same amount of self-preservation instincts.
Abuela pinches the bridge of her nose. “If you get caught, there’s no way you would be allowed to open a dispensary. You know that, right?”
“Then I won’t get caught.” She shrugs, and a little laugh escapes from me.
“You already got caught, though,” I jump in. I might be a little cynical, but it’s not like it’s outside the realm of possibilities. She said so herself, he’s desperate. “If your dad really wants you to stop, what makes you think he won’t report you himself?”
Moni opens her mouth to answer, but all that comes out is a little croak.
“We’ll talk about this later, Monica,” Abuela says, then turns to me, and I just know she’s about to ask how I’m feeling or something, so I go first.
“Anyways.” I decide to just ask outright since the segue was a bust and I got Moni in trouble for nothing. “Are the doctors at places like this fair game for your dad too?”
